Realization
The ten years she spent by my side was all for Jennie.
Everytime I remembered this, I felt envious.
Lisa was willing to make such a sacrifice to help Jennie, yet all of my effort and my support for her was unable to move her.
But on second thought, I was also very despicable for making use of this.
Suddenly, another evil thought popped into my head. The Kim family only had one daughter. Would they let her be with a woman and ruin their chances of having any descendants?
Lisa's call with Jennie ended at around 9pm. After that, Lisa looked like she was about to head to sleep.
She usually stayed up until 2 to 3am before sleeping until the afternoon. Surprisingly, she behaved differently from normal on such a festive day.
When you sleep early, you will wake up early. Were you preparing yourself so that you could meet Jennie, who you haven't seen for a long time, tomorrow with energy?
This sounded plausible.
Before she slept, she took out her phone again.
I looked over. She called me, but it didn't go through.
I laughed. You actually thought of me. Thank you.
Since the phone kept ringing and nobody picked up, she steeled her heart and called Sehun.
Sehun hung her up three times.
On the fourth call, he finally answered.
Even though people still had things to do at midnight, everyone was immersed in the celebratory mood of the festival. The sound of firecrackers outside were thunderously loud, I couldn't hear what Sehun said. Even Lisa had to shout.
"Please help me tell Irene that I wish her a Happy Chinese New Year! Please tell her to take care of her body. Also, please help me tell her I said thank you!"
I think she was thanking me for taking care of her that time.
Sehun probably wouldn't say anything mean. It was New Year after all. Lisa hung up the phone in satisfaction. She smiled so happily she blushed.
How rare for her to look so cute.
I felt that this was a good ending.
I quietly waited. After 12am, I was still here.
On the night, I stared at the clock as it turned to 12am, but I realised that I was still here.
Every new year, the old items would be cleaned out to welcome the new. I had thought that I would be cleaned up as well and disappear in the new year.
I thought it was time for the curtain call, especially after Lisa said "Happy Chinese New Year" and "thank you".
I laughed helplessly. In the end, it was just the start of a normal new day.
The most spectacular sight to see during New Year's was people praying. During the day of Lunar New year, all the major temples in Seoul were fully packed with people. Both believers and non-believers would come to pray for luck, peace, a happy family, good studies, luck in love and more. Anyway, everyone wished for happy things.
I prayed every year as well. People always said that if you were sincere, your wish would come true. However, people were probably too greedy and wished for far too many things, so the gods only looked at us in disdain. Take me for example. I always prayed sincerely, but none of my wishes came true.
I had either wished for too much or was too obsessed.
Lisa would definitely not do something so superstitious like pray to god. Whenever I came back refreshed from the various temples, she was usually still asleep.
People always said that one should be hardworking on the first day of a new year so that you would have a good start to the year. However, Lisa never cared.
But she was different this year. She actually woke up around five in the morning. For the ten years I have been with her, she had never woken up so early unless she had a flight.
No wonder she slept so early yesterday.
I thought that she wanted to pick up Jennie at the airport. But in the end, she went to the temple to pray just like the overly greedy me, the devotees, as well as the elders who had nothing to do.
She first went to the church, then the buddhist temple, taoist temple, and mosque. She practically visited all the places which had prayable gods. Regardless of which area of the world the god looked after, she prayed to all of them.
Every time she prayed, she mumbled quietly to herself. I wonder what special wish she had this year that needed her to be so serious and careful.
Nevertheless, I followed her throughout and prayed with her. I prayed that she will be happy and that her wish will come true.
Since I was a spirit, it might have been easier for the gods to hear me.
Just like that, she squeezed around with everyone at every major temple and church for the whole day. When she returned home that night, she was exhausted.
Jennie was already back.
Lisa was stunned when she saw her. Then, she smiled apologetically.
Naturally, Jennie didn't fuss about it since she had a higher tolerance than me.
She didn't even ask where Lisa had gone for the whole day. Instead, when Lisa went to bathe, Jennie helped tidy the coat she threw onto the sofa. While she was tidying, a bunch of talismans fell out of the pocket.
I only just realised that they were all bujok, protective talismans.
I stared blankly at them. Back when Jennie was sick, she seemed to have done something similar as well.
At that time, I followed her from one temple to another and burned many .
She never believed in ghosts or gods and was not a devotee. Did she really think it would work if she started now?
Even so, I still felt moved and sorrowful when I saw the talismans.
Jennie's expression looked strange. She stared blankly at the talismans for a good while. Then, she smiled for some time before crying.
I didn't expect her to cry. For a moment, I didn't know why she was crying. However, after thinking for a bit, I understood. Although Jennie didn't display her jealousy, it didn't mean she wasn't upset when Lisa thought about me.
Although she appeared unbothered, she still liked Lisa. She may not be holding onto Lisa pitifully like I did, but that didn't mean that her love for Lisa was any less than mine. She just expressed her love differently from me.
I couldn't help but be shocked by her endurance and perseverance.
I mocked her. What's the point of having endurance and perseverance? Lisa was precisely taking advantage of your endurance and making use of your perseverance. The more you force yourself to smile, the more she would wantonly take advantage of you.
Lisa had always been like this, and I always knew.
However, I was also impressed by how great Jennie was.
My feelings for Lisa were definitely not less than Jennie's. However, Jennie had many things I didn't have.
It was so hard to let go of the person you love. Just how was Jennie able to do it? I was not able to make such sacrifices. It had already been ten years. I tried all that I could to let go of Lisa, but I never succeeded.
I wasn't sure if Jennie's love was the so called "selfless love", but I knew that I could never achieve it. I couldn't let go. A pleasant way to explain my suicide would be to let Lisa be happy. However, to say it bluntly, I was just unable to let her go, so I chose that method to end it once and for all.
Jennie clearly didn't understand Lisa well enough. Either that, or she was just foolish like me, choosing to endure everything. Before Lisa came out, she wiped away her tears and acted like nothing ever happened.
Holding a bunch of protective talismans in her hand, she focused on the awkward-looking Lisa who came out of the bathroom, mockery filling her gaze.
"Have you finally figured out the question I asked you before I moved in?"
Figured out what?
I wasn't sure what question Jennie asked, but Lisa was clearly angered. However, it seemed like she was just faking it. She sat beside Jennie and stared at her, an ugly expression etched onto her face for a while, before she sighed and smiled in relief.
She then asked curiously, "How did you know back then?"
"Please, it was so obvious!" Jennie clicked her tongue without care. Smiling proudly, she said, "You clearly didn't know when you fell for her. You were unable to put down your pride, and you were not willing to admit it, so you changed to another method. You bullied her and felt happy seeing her sad. What kind of moral is that?!"
This "her" couldn't possibly be me right?
"...In this world, only Irene would be so obstinate." Jennie heaved a heavy sigh and continued, "She stayed so devoted even though she was so badly abused by you. The two of you really are a perfect match."
If it was Irene, then that would be me.
Not only did Lisa not rebuke, she even smiled approvingly in embarrassment.
Jennie said with a smile that Lisa liked me. Lisa smiled in agreement.
Looking at them, I felt like I was in a dream and nothing was real.
I was having a very absurd and ridiculous dream and was very close to laughing myself awake.
What was this? Lisa had come to like me so easily?
The infinite number of prayers and wishes I made when I was alive finally came true, but why did it come true this way?
I didn't understand. Three months ago, she had forced me to move away so coldly and unkindly and was so close to Jennie in front of me. Two months ago, she also forbade Jennie from bringing me up. She loathed me so much she burnt all my photos. Now, she was suddenly saying that she liked me?
What was "like"? What kind of "like" was that? Your definition of like was to force me onto the path of no return?
Lisa could hate me, loathe me, despise me, and look at me in disdain. Although I didn't sin greatly, I did force her to like me. I was the one who wronged her first. However, she cannot like me. If she actually returned even a tiny fraction of my feelings for her, she was the Ten Evils.
God knew how much I suffered during the ten years I was by her side.
God knew how much mistreatment and pain I endured. Every day, I was tortured by her both physically and mentally. Every day, I humbly begged for that little scrap of her pity and attention.
For ten years, I lived quietly by her side and slowly died in the silence. During our final days together, I was anxious every day. Almost every morning when I woke up, the first thought I had was that I wanted to die.
Now that I thought back, I wonder if I had depression.
Anyway, I was held captive by something called Lisa. She was like a swamp, invading me with despair in the darkness, slowly drowning me.
She could neither see nor hear me no matter how much I cried and begged for her help and forgiveness.
She had no idea how much bitterness and despair I had to endure.
After all of that cruelty, she had no right to say that she loved me.
She could not say that she loved me now.
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