Turn
"Lisa, get ready!"
Fortunately, the director shouted for Lisa to go up the stage, so they didn't get to continue the conversation.
This was the first time I didn't have the heart to watch Lisa's performance.
I kept thinking about what she was going to do.
There were so many things that I couldn't predict. I was terrified.
The evening party lasted until midnight, and they went to a company banquet afterward. Lisa finally arrived home when it was dawn.
She fell asleep the moment she laid down and slept until the afternoon.
When she finally woke up, she didn't eat and headed straight to the study room. This infuriated me, I wanted to pull her ear and shout at her.
'You have forgotten your past pain once the wound was healed!!'
She sat in front of the black grand piano and started playing softly.
I suddenly remembered that it had been a very long time since I saw her play the piano.
Her expression was cold, only the sound of the piano expressed the Lisa I knew. She was once this gentle and sad. I felt so intoxicated every time I listened to her play. When she found out, she no longer played the piano before me. Whenever she needed to play, she would do it in the company's piano room, avoiding me at the same time.
She would always do the opposite of what I wanted.
For an instance, she was the only one left in the world. Everything else was far away from her as she was alone in her room. The smile on her face was leisurely yet distant.
When the afternoon sunlight turned into moonlight, she seemed to come back to her senses, and she smiled lightly.
It was a pleased and self-satisfied smile that belonged to the usual, arrogant Lisa.
Then, she started playing the piano with her slender fingers.
She probably hasn't finished writing the lyrics, as she only sang along to some parts of the song.
It was supposed to be a remembrance of the sweet memories of the past. However, it sounded to me like it was something no longer obtainable. From now on, even though we were so close, there would only be sorrow from being unable to see each other.
She smiled as she sang, sweetly reminiscing the memories. She didn't pay attention to any sad ones.
Lisa, is this your new song?
Who wouldn't cry if they listened to such a song on Valentine's day?
Memories. They were something that hurt someone the most.
It really was a beautiful song, but the current me was unable to appreciate it.
I believed that everyone who went through similar sufferings would cry listening to this song.
What I was worried about didn't happen.
Although Lisa did many things that could easily cause a misunderstanding, her heart had always been with and still was with Jennie.
That's right. How was it possible for someone who never loved me for ten years to suddenly love me?
■■■
On the second day after Jennie left for Milan, Lisa started sorting out her photos again and was in the process of choosing one. All the photos were either of her being with her parents or her being with Jennie. I didn't know why she was taking so long to choose.
In the end, she finally picked out a photo she looked happy with.
It was a picture of her and Jennie on a carousel. They were both sitting on the same horse, smiling happily.
I still remember that the picture was taken on her birthday during Christmas, though I didn't remember which year it was.
Anyway, it was one of the years within the ten years.
It was a carnival night that was held annually on Christmas at the amusement park.
To make her happy, I was always very generous on her birthday. Not only did I force Rosé and other friends to join in, Jennie was also always invited.
Because of Lisa, I often brought Jennie along. This was also the reason why I was relatively close to Jennie.
I wonder if Lisa knew that I was especially miserable every Christmas.
That was to be expected. Who didn't wish to spend such a romantic day happily with someone they loved? However, how could I be happy if the person I loved was smiling at someone else, hugging someone else, and treating me like a pest, yet I had to smile and act like I didn't mind?
I was still alive back then and wasn't as broad-minded as I was now.
Now that I thought back, I realized just how much mistreatment and misery I received from Lisa. This might have partly contributed to the decision to cut myself back then.
I've also realized that I was able to accept seeing Lisa and Jennie be happy together, but I was still unable to let go of the things in the past.
I still and will always remember the mistreatment I received, the hopelessness I felt, and how I had to put up a big smile.
The misery that I couldn't vent accumulated in my heart and hid itself in one corner. Whenever it surfaced, I was never resigned to it.
Was this perhaps why I didn't want to let her go when I was alive?
Because I wasn't resigned to my misery?
I had thought I had a more noble and sounding reason.
It seemed like I was exactly what Lisa described me to be for the past ten years. I was just a selfish person.
Lisa held the photo and looked at it for a very long time, her expression a complex mix of yearning and gentleness.
I was really confused by their actions. In front of Jennie, she would talk about me unknowingly. But now that Jennie wasn't around, she looked at a photo to reminisce about her.
I believed in the sanity of Lisa, but I couldn't comprehend such unimaginable actions.
Jennie too.
Why was she able to tolerate Lisa's yearning for me? Even if 'no jealousy' was virtue, such virtue was akin to her letting the hungry me eat a piece of her. It had clearly crossed the bottom line. Or perhaps, did she already know that Lisa would do something so foolish like stare at her picture in a daze? Was that why she didn't pay me any attention and utterly pitied me?
If that was the case, I was really pathetic.
Jennie came back from Milan three days later, and they continued their ordinary and warm lives as usual.
However, it felt stranger to me now.
They seemed to have a tacit understanding of "to treat each other as an honoured guest" as compared to the past. Ever since the few days before Jennie went to L.A, they haven't had many intimate moments. And after she came back from Milan, I couldn't feel their happiness from being reunited as a couple. And now, the action of Jennie laying on Lisa and acting spoiled was also gone.
I had been wondering if Jennie had already submitted to Rosé.
Let's not debate whether Jennie had two-timed or not. I was surprised neither of them questioned the awkwardness in their relationship. They seemed to be lovers only in name, yet the two of them were able to continue living their lives peacefully.
When it was time to sleep, Lisa would often sneak out from the bedroom. Then, she would switch on the dim floor lamp in the living room and take out the photo. She would stare at it for a long time in a trance.
I didn't understand. Jennie was right in the room, but Lisa didn't touch her. Instead, she sat here and stared at the photo to reminisce the past. Why was she doing this?
I couldn't understand the two of them anymore.
■■
A month quickly went by. This year's winter was freezing, and it snowed many times. Early February marked the beginning of the and Valentine's Day.
All the festivities were packed together.
Lisa's new album had finished its final stage of production.
I was lucky to have a chance to enter her recording studio.
I was very satisfied to be able to listen to her sing the very first edition of the song.
She looked very beautiful when she was singing seriously. She was only able to be immersed in the music when she knew that no one was around her, bringing out the mystical and lonely feel that was similar to that of a deep sea.
For some reason, I have been feeling sentimental lately. Like dust that had settled after falling on a surface, I was now unperturbed by many things.
I had a premonition that I was going to leave her very soon.
Naturally, I was unwilling. However, my current mentality was very different from my obsession two months ago. God had probably seen enough of me as a joke.
Ever since I touched her previously for the last time and changed back to this form, my spirit hadn't been as strong as before.
Back then, I only floated around and never felt tired. Yet recently, my body felt heavier than before.
My soul most likely could no longer maintain itself in exchange for the chance to touch her that time. I believed I would disappear soon.
Actually, I shouldn't be complaining. I should thank god for the short yet unbelievable time I got out of thin air after I died to stay by her side.
Although the time I spent with her had been bitter, it was also sweet. I should have a good time reminiscing.
......
For the whole month, Lisa was busy publicizing her new album. As for Jennie, she had to go back to her house at Cheongdam-dong to film a new show. She also decided to stay there with her parents for the Spring Festival. For the entire month, the two of them were both busy with their own schedule, and they were away from each other more than they were together.
It snowed three times in January.
I have actually admired the beautiful, white scenery with Lisa plenty of times. During winter, it often snowed in Seoul City. When we were young, we often built snowmen together and had snowball fights.
When we were together later, she wouldn't bother herself with me no matter how many times I asked her. Thus, I could only build my ugly and lonely snowman alone in my courtyard every year.
However, Lisa seemed free this year. When it snowed for the third time, she drove to a river levee to enjoy the cold breeze for a long while.
This was the perfect chance for me to fantasize. In any case, I really was beside her. I could delude myself into thinking that we were watching the beautiful, snowy scenery together, watching this white, coloured world for the last time.
New Year's Eve had always been a big celebration for us. We would always hold a party and wouldn't return home unless we were drunk
Since I wasn't around to take the lead this year, everyone seemed to have a tacit understanding to stay quiet.
Even though Jennie was far away at Cheongdam-dong, she still called back and wished Lisa a Happy Chinese New Year together with her family.
She said that she would come back on New Year's Day itself. As expected, she always thought of Lisa.
I wasn't sure whether Jennie had confessed to her family about her relationship with Lisa. She probably hadn't.
The Kim family treated me and Lisa like noble people who sent them charcoal on a snowing day. They treated us very warmly. They were a family of sincere people.
Jennie came from a family with a typical financial background, and she was the only daughter. For the sake of treating her illness, the family went bankrupt that year. This was the reason why Lisa begged me to promote Jennie. She knew that Jennie needed money.
The ten years she spent by my side ...
... was all for Jennie.
—■—
Have you ever loved somebody so much makes you wanna break down and cry? Have you ever loved somebody unconditionally even tho they hurt and caused you misery but you still love 'em?
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