Let Her Go
Only know you love her when you let her go.
Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
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Was this what a real deep sleep felt like? You didn't feel hot or cold, you didn't feel happy or sad, you wouldn't think of anything, and you couldn't feel anything.
Then, there would always be that indistinct voice or a ray of sunlight that woke you up.
No one would be completely clear-headed when they just woke up. It was the same for me. I needed a certain amount of time to recall where I was and what I was doing.
"Hey, Irene, Irene!"
Who was being so persistent...
I opened my eyes slowly. What came into view was a blinding white color. I was dazzled by it and ended up closing my eyes immediately.
"She's really awake..." A cold and low voice sounded by my ear.
It's familiar. It's too familiar. Who might it be? Someone who always had such a sarcastic and smug tone.
"Irene. Irene. Wake up, stop sleeping." He said as he nudged me again. I tried my best and opened my eyes once again.
I couldn't help but squint my eyes due to the glaring lights.
Where was I?
"Stop acting dead. Jeongsin charyeo! Get yourself together!" The voice sounded again.
After my eyes finally got used to the brightness, I turned my head towards the source of the voice. That person was handsome and elegant, and his face naturally carried a scornful look. It was indeed him.
"Hunnie..." I called out softly. My throat was dry, so my voice sounded unclear. It didn't feel like my own voice. I tried moving, but even my limbs didn't feel like mine. I couldn't control them well.
What's going on... Where was I, and what was I doing...
"You'reactually awake." He smiled at me. It was a sinister smile that revealed hissnow-white teeth. "Do you know how long you have slept?"
I was confused by his question. Right now, I didn't even know whether I was on my own bed. What year and month was it? Was it morning or night? I knew nothing.
However, memories soon flooded my head like a storm. I have yet to understand what was going on, but my whole head was already filled with Lisa.
Her grinding her teeth, her cold and solitary figure, her smile and look of despair.
"Lisa..."
"You're hopeless. Why is she still the first person you remember when you just woke up!" Sehun's face visibly darkened.
"I... I'm still alive..." I suddenly gained awareness and remembered everything that had happened. The bone-chilling cold water was the only thing I felt after I cut my wrist, and it was also what I felt after I carried Lisa out of the water for the very last time.
I tried lifting my arm. It didn't feel like mine. It was extremely stiff, but I still tried my best to move it. It was also very straining to move my body. I looked at my own hand and saw that it was flesh and blood. I tried to touch something. I could touch objects, and my hand brought them warmth.
I was really still alive?
There was a hideous scar on my left wrist.
It wasn't there before.
I looked at it in a daze.
"That's right. Though, I have a knife. Do you wish to try and die again?" Sehun said this with his usual cold voice, one that hit a person when they were down.
I still haven't understood many things, but I didn't wish to die anymore. So I shook my head.
I should be dead, and if I was unlucky, my soul might also have dissipated. Why was I suddenly alive now and lying on the bed with blood and flesh?
Was I dreaming? Don't tell me that everything that had happened was all just a nightmare?
It seemed too realistic for a nightmare.
If it was just a nightmare, what's with the ugly scar on my wrist.
The hug, pain, heartache, and despair I felt was so vivid. In the four months I spent with her, every day was so precious to the point of heartbreaking. How could it all be just my imagination?
That was why I should already be dead.
Hoping to receive an answer, I looked up at Sehun.
Seeing the confusion on my face, Sehun said coldly, "Today is the 3rd of May. It is the half-year anniversary of your suicide attempt and coma.
Suicide... Suicide attempt...
My mind blanked out as if an explosion had occurred within.
Attempt. Attempt means that it wasn't successful.
I tried committing suicide, but I didn't die.
Ha. I laughed.
Suicide attempt?
"Vegetative state?" As my head was still in a mess, only these two words came out as I pointed at myself while looking at Sehun. I was too shocked and agitated. My brain was not working as well as usual. I didn't even know what I wished to express.
Nevertheless, Sehun probably understood.
"Not so advanced. It's just that you almost died but didn't manage to, yet you kept refusing to wake up." He sneered.
I slept for half a year, in which four months was spent by Lisa's side. It was now the beginning of May, and the last time I left Lisa was April...
Although the information wasn't too complicated on their own, it made my head a mess when they came at me all at once. However, a thought suddenly flashed through my mind, and an explanation formed in my head.
I never died. I have been by Lisa's side as a living spirit.
I wasn't haunting as a dead spirit. Instead, I was having an out-of-body experience.
The reason why I slept for so long even though I didn't die was because my soul ran off somewhere else.
My god.
Although I prayed to god, I never believed that people had "souls".
I wasn't aware that I became a spirit during the period I was with Lisa.
Now that I realized I was still alive, I was slightly creep out. So it turned out that there really were 'those kinds of things' in the world, and I had once been "those kinds of things."
Learning about a secret of the world that I wasn't supposed to know made me uncomfortable. Some people may have been jealous of those masters that could communicate with "those kinds of things", but I felt like it would be better off not having that kind of ability.
Therefore, I was a little perturbed despite surviving the disaster.
Of course, I soon started forgetting about the spirit issue, because I was now submerged in shock about the fact that I was "still alive".
There were many people in the world who lived their lives not knowing what it was like to live after the disaster. It was the first time for me.
What was it like? I think it felt similar to a poor family suddenly winning the lottery with a prize of ten million dollars.
What was different, however, was the fact that winning money was nothing compared to gaining back a life.
I couldn't believe such a miraculous thing happened. I really wanted to laugh out loud and thank heaven.
Heaven wouldn't suddenly treat one so well. I was long aware of this fact. Right now, I only needed to ascertain one thing before I could laugh out loud and truly feel happy.
I held on to Sehun and asked, "How is Lisa?"
Sehun looked at me in anger and helplessness for my disappointing question.
"How is she?" Feeling anxious, I grabbed him and started shaking him as I asked.
"Not good." replied Sehun.
I let go of him, feeling rest assured. "Not good" was two words that made me feel the most rest assured when it came out of Sehun's mouth.
If something happened to Lisa, Sehun would either lie to me saying that Lisa was doing very well, or tell me the cruel truth directly. He was this kind of person.
"Not good" meant that the worst had not happened.
"However... I think she has reflected..." Sehun added lightly.
I didn't pay close attention to why Sehun's hostility towards Lisa wasn't as strong as before. I also didn't think much about what he meant by "reflected."
He didn't have to tell me that Lisa had reflected for me to know. I have always been by Lisa's side and saw her extreme changes when everyone thought I was in a coma.
To Sehun, I was still the Irene who tried to kill myself half a year ago due to being heartbroken. But he didn't know that I have also learnt a lot during this half a year.
"I want to see Lisa." I said.
Hearing my words, Sehun heaved out a sigh and tried his best not to turn mad. To him, I was probably someone who couldn't be saved. I was so into Lisa that I looked for her immediately after I woke up despite the whole ordeal.
In my case however, I knew that I wanted to see her immediately.
I already let the chance slip once. I definitely couldn't let it slip a second time.
I think we've already had enough of the pain of not being able to redeem after making mistakes.
Under my insistence, Sehun called Lisa. The call was short and simple. He only said "Irene woke up, are you coming or not" before hanging up. Actually, it was currently midnight. I shouldn't be so stubborn, but I wanted to see Lisa. I thought she probably wanted to see me too.
I wonder what the reunion would be like after all that we have experienced.
"Lisa and Jennie broke up." Seeing my stubbornness, Sehun gave in and told me the events that happened. He leaned against the windowsill and said slowly, "I think she probably likes you."
Then, he prepared himself to watch me act like the female lead of a soap opera.
Unfortunately for Sehun, he didn't see the moved or overjoyed look that he had imagined on my unperturbed expression. On the other hand, I was very pleased. My calmness made him feel defeated, but I was happy to be able to see a rare defeated look on his face.
Sehun looked at me, the person who slept for half a year that suddenly became less expressive and predictable.
"Don't tell me you finally thought it through and wish to break up with her. That's why you are calling her here so late at night?"
How was that possible? I rolled my eyes at Sehun. He looked at me strangely for a good while before saying, "Why do I feel like you have changed?"
Because... many things have happened in the past half-year.
When I watched everything as a bystander, I finally understood and came to accept everything.
I felt that I could finally make the correct decision on the path I was treading.
I didn't manage to find my way back on the right track after being lost, but the Earth was round. After making a wrong turn, I walked a whole big and arduous circle and finally managed to reach the goal. It was something worth celebrating.
I was not sure whether everything that happened right now was just heaven's mercy, another round of an evil joke or another important test. All I could do was to go along with my fate. But regardless of what was going to happen, I hoped that I could bring happiness to the person I loved this time.
I won't break my promise again.
"I'm sorry." I looked at my brother, a person who had a wicked tongue but still came to see me on such a late night, "Sehun, I have troubled you." I said sincerely.
I gave everyone trouble and made them sad.
I would apologize to Rosé and Jennie the next time I saw them.
I would apologize seriously.
"Forget it." Visibly embarrassed, Sehun turned his head away and said, "You should apologize to Rosé instead. She cried the most."
"Since that's the case, why did you tell her that I was dead?"
Now that I remembered this, I felt depressed. At that time, Rosé wasn't joking around when she was going to fight Lisa.
Since Sehun already knew that I wasn't dead, my former self who didn't know about it couldn't really be considered the culprit who caused so many people to be upset. Instead, it was Sehun who had always been unpredictable, sly, and evil.
Sehun looked back at me and questioned my complaint.
"How did you know that I told her you were dead?"
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If this night is not forever. At least we are together.
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