𝙸𝚝 𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝙴𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝙷𝚎𝚛𝚎 (𝔾𝕚𝕪𝕦𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕠) {𝓚𝓝Ⴘ}
𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 15: 𝓗𝓸𝔀 𝓣𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 𝓐𝓻𝓮 𝓝𝓸𝔀
Himari POV:
Three weeks later, with my rehabilation training complete, I left the Butterfly Mansion for good and returned to my parent's farm.
I hadn't bumped into Giyu at the mansion like I thought I would. He didn't come back ever since that visit. I felt a little bit worried, but more carefree and light. It was like I'd lived my life under a fog and it had finally lifted.
I really missed Nezuko, though. She was such an adorable girl and if she ever turned human and wanted to become a Slayer, I'd like her to become my succesor (If I became a Hashira!).
The more I reflected on my choices, the more I felt relieved. Giyu was a sweet person, a kind man, but just not the one for me. It often felt like I was nurturing him in a way, like a mother, and it may sound selfish- but it felt like he was never doing enough for me. He didn't provide accomdation for me, offer to pay bills or take me out. We only did cheap or free things when we went on dates.
But one of the perks of dating Giyu was his private connections. Nezuko, Tanjiro, Miss Kocho, Shigeru-kun- precious people that I had come to love.
Nezuko was the cutest demon and I'd completely accepted her after we became great friends. She idolized me and did just the most adorable things. She was so thoughtful and even mended my haori after it was ripped at the mountain.
I had a lot of faith in Tanjiro. He was a young boy with lots to learn, but I could already tell he had potential. His background and family connections also put him ahead of the group.
Miss Kocho was a well-respected pillar and I used to idolize her until I found out she was dating Shigeru-kun. That made me feel a little queasy towards her, though I didn't know why. Even the sound pillar with three wives didn't make me feel uneasy, but the insect pillar did I intended to find out why.
Shigeru. I'd met him when Shinobu invited me and Giyu over. She wanted to meet me. Shigeru was a rank lower than me, but an admirable swordsman and had a kind heart. He was funny, and cute, but I supressed my feelings towards him because I didn't want to betray Giyu in the slightest.
However, now things were different. I could feel however I wanted towards him now and Shigeru was possibly just the greatest guy I'd met. He was also apparently pretty cashed-up, with all his part-time jobs, so he was ideal. But he was already dating Miss Kocho.
Now that I thought about it, perhaps that was why I dispised Miss Kocho so much. Her ringing bell-like laugh, her petite figure, her pretty eyes and cute faces probably charmed Shigeru much more than whatever I had.
When I begun dating Giyu, I'd informed Kaguya-sama since Giyu was a Hashira and I thought he should know. Giyu got a little fustrated with me for exposing his private life to his master, but it all blew over. When I told Kaguya-sama that we had broken up, he seemed somewhat glad, like he'd known things wouldn't work out for us.
A little part of me was turning selfish, dark. Maybe I was just sick of caring for other people, with no-one caring for me.
Giyu POV:
If this room got any darker, I wouldn't be able to take it.
I keep telling that to myself, but everytime the light faded and I still took it.
Again and again and again and again.
Nobody realised. Nobody saw. Nobody knew. Nobody cared.
There was just always no-one there for me, no-one to lean on. No-one to stop me.
Blood runs like water, it's just everywhere. I don't bother to clean up. Nobody visits me, or steps into this house. There's so much blood that it splatters and splashes when I step on the ground.
My pale skin is even paler now. Dark circles under my eyes sink in and my hair is disravelled. Blood loss makes my hands tremble and my legs wobble. I don't eve bother to do my hair in the morning anymore- my hands shake so much it's impossible.
My haori is stained a dull red, and my katana has been chipped multiple times. Injuries that haven't come from demons. Never returning to report anything after missions.
Yet nobody realises.
I haven't been seeing people much. I don't attend Hashira meetings or training sessions anymore, in the fear that they might find out. I don't go out to buy food or wander the streets. I stay cooped up in this house of mine until evening falls and I hunt demons or complete misisons.
I still get missions from my crow, but I only set out for them in the evening. If I can't complete it by dawn, I return and leave it half-finished for tommorow. My mind is dull, mute- it doesn't matter to me anymore if a few demons live for a few more hours or if a few humans die and a few humans suffer.
It's hard for me to get up in the morning, tiredness sinking into my body and the growing dullness dark telling me, 'You don't need to get up anyway. Nobody needs you.'
Before, I'd always needed to live for a purpose. For a person. I'd lived for Tsutako, for Sabito, then for Himari, but what happened? They all left me. Whether it be for good or for now, they were all gone. Leaving me yet again at a loss for words.
What should I do now? Should I get myself together and keep living? Or should I just give up on this cruel world? Is it my fault that I haven't been taking care of myself, and is it really my fault they left me? What is the point of grieving them, of giving them my tears, when they don't even care anymore? Prayer after prayer, yet no god will respond.
I should be used to the pain by now. I should be able to take my faithful sword and stab it through cleanly. I should be able to just jump off a cliff or into an ocean.
I always hesitate.
I never do it.
A deluded part of myself still likes to think people would be worried or hurt by my death. Still likes to think people like Tanjiro care about me. Still likes to believe he wants me alive.
I used to think if I ever really wanted to die, I should think about how that would hurt Tanjiro.
But really, his kindness is just an act too. Just a mask concealing his own dark thoughts.
I didn't attend our arranged training session.
If he cared, he would come visit me. Check on me. 'Why didn't you come?' 'Are you okay?' Delusions like that make it more painful when he doesn't come. When he forgets about me and contuines on his daily life.
Is that selfish? Is it selfish to think that? Should I really expect people to be thinking of me 24/7? Should I really expect them to think about me at all?
I was only ever a one-time purchase. I helped Tanjiro once, but never again. He's used me of everything I have to give him. I can't help him anymore. I'm no use to to him anymore. He's got what he wanted, what he needed. He's got that second chance and I can't ever take it back and he knows it.
Even if that deluded part of myself is right that Tanjiro still cares about me, it doesn't change the fact that there are more people who would be happy if I died than the oppisote. I'm just a burden to everyone. I can't even complete missions right or stop thinking terrible thoughts. I'm just a horrible person, and I guess that's why everyone gave up on me.
Now that I think about it..
Tsutako probably just wanted to die in honour.
Sabito probably just felt bad for me.
Himari probably just wanted to date a pillar for connections.
Tanjiro probably just wanted to seem nice for everyone's love.
I can't even compare myself to demons that have killed hundreds of people. At least they can hold their heads high. At least they can bring themselves to live on. At least they have a purpose.
My mind flashes and I falter whenever I think of the dark things whispered to me.
You'll never be good enough, Tomioka.
Just stay away from me!
It's all your fault! It's your fault she died!
How dare you!
I really wish you weren't my partner this week!
Stop being so stubborn.
What a waste of oxygen.
Pull yourself together.
You think you're better than everyone else?
Think being depressed makes you so cool?
God, I wish he'd just die already.
Just die already.
Just-
I'm feeling dizzy.
A little faint.
Maybe I should go lie down-
A/N: Remember, if you have any suicidal thoughts or issues please do not commence reading this book. Please ask for help immediantly. I did not write this to encourage people with suicidal intentions.
Please ensure that you are aware this is all fiction. If you are not in a mentally healthy state, I do not recommend you contuine reading. I accept no responsibility for whatever ideas this book gives you and you have been warned.
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