Scar Tissue
I heard footsteps. It was especially clear late at night in the hospital.
My heart couldn't help but speed up. I was hopeless. It has already been ten years, and we have seen each other so many times. Why was I still so nervous whenever I thought about her?
I still felt bewildered when the door violently opened. My Lisa stood outside the door panting, staring straight at me.
We stared at each other.
It had only been half a year. We were just a few meters apart, but many things have changed, and it felt like a lifetime had passed.
I wanted to smile, but my face was too stiff. I couldn't control it well.
I could only stare at her greedily.
She had thinned down by a lot. Some of her bones were visible through her skin. But nevertheless, her eyes were bright. Her gaze shone full of yearning and joy.
I thought she would rush forward to hug me. However, she only stood outside the door, not daring to step forward.
She looked at me unblinkingly, her head full of thoughts as she hesitated to come in.
Then, I realized that she was actually afraid. She was slightly trembling. She looked at me, trying her utmost to read something in my expression.
She was waiting for my response... She actually didn't dare to come over before receiving a clear signal from me...
I laughed. Where was the proud and arrogant Lisa who always had me in her grasp?
I was no longer the same person from half a year ago. Even if I still was, how could I possibly hate or ignore her?
She was firmly rooted in my life, growing on my flesh and fused with my blood. If she was pulled out, I would die along with her.
We have already missed out on so much that it was almost irrecoverable.
Yet, this idiot still had the audacity to feel afraid and hesitant.
Why did she still hesitate at a time like this?
Lisa never did anything that made me satisfied.
What else could I do? I could only submit to fate and take up this responsibility.
Lisa still looked at me with an expression I've never seen before. Her face showed an amount of confusion combined with yearning, grievance, hesitation, and sorrow.
I smiled and opened my arms towards her.
Despite that, she still didn't rush over to my side like I imagined. Instead, she took unsteady steps towards me. As if she had forgotten how to walk, she stumbled over like a penguin.
It was only a few meters of distance, but she took a good amount of time before finally stopping before my bed. She stretched out her hand, wanting to touch me but shrank back again.
My heart ached.
Was she afraid that she wouldn't be able to touch me? That I would disappear into nothingness like before?
I wouldn't. Never again.
I grabbed her hand tightly and pulled it to my neck.
Can you feel it? It's warm with a pulse that is beating for you.
Lisa, I miss you so much.
It's strange isn't it? I have been by your side all this while. Yet, I still miss you very much.
Her fingers were ice cold and trembling.
I think that I could warm them up. From now on and into the far, far future.
Then, I pulled her over and hugged her tightly.
Although my body was still difficult to control after not moving for half a year, there was no problem hugging her.
She was finally willing to relax and hug me as she called my name desperately.
"Irene, Irene, Irene, Irene..."
She was a singer after all... Her voice was so pleasant to hear. My extremely common name sounded so heavenly with her voice.
I also foolishly replied to all of her calls.
It was the warmth that I could hug and the two hands that I could grasp. My Lisa.
It was wonderful. It was so wonderful.
I played with the hair that reached her ears. I was hugged so tightly by her it was becoming difficult to breath.
I was enjoying this extremely tight hug when she suddenly let go. Instead, she grabbed me as if grabbing a chicken.
"You won't disappear again suddenly would you?" With reddened eyes, she asked me fiercely.
I shook my head desperately.
She remembered. She remembered everything.
I must have made her suffer after disappearing right before her. I felt very remorseful. I had no idea how she lived after that day.
Staring at her thin, languished face, my heart ached.
She didn't believe me and continued holding on. She studied me from top to bottom, as if checking merchandise for any missing corners.
I couldn't help but laugh, saying, "Lisa is a fool."
What a useless thing to say. There were so many wonderful, loving words to say at a moment like this, why did I pick the most tasteless one?
"Yes, I'm foolish."
On the contrary, Lisa went along with me and admitted to it, her head lowered as she spoke.
A moment of silence.
My shoulders started to hurt from her hold, so I took her hands in mine and held them in my grasp.
Then, I noticed that her wrist had a bunch of hideous scars.
I was stunned. How could I not be familiar with this pair of hands? The hands that I have admired for the past ten years had always been slim and clean, white without a single blemish.
Lisa wasn't a good owner. Every good thing that lands in her hands would all end up greatly damaged.
The scars that have suddenly appeared thoroughly destroyed the thing I have been meticulously taking care of for so long.
"What are these? Ige mwoya?" I bellowed, heart aching.
Please don't let it be what I think it is. Please don't let it be what I think it is...
I only have one scar on my left wrist. Although it was ugly, it has already been six months and only a light scar was visible.
However, the scar on her wrist is still protruding sinisterly.
I don't believe it. It won't be what I think it is. My Lisa isn't so foolish...
She didn't say anything. All she did was bury her head onto my shoulder and ignored everything.
I looked towards Sehun. I was directly facing him, while Lisa's back was to him. Using his right index finger, Sehun made a cutting motion on his left wrist.
I cried out involuntarily and hugged Lisa tightly.
"Museun iriya?? Lisa-ya, what did you do?"
Lisa hugged me back tighter without raising her head.
I pushed her away forcefully and held up her wrist. Her eyes were still red as she looked away stubbornly.
She didn't cry, always being able to force herself to act strong.
There are so many scars. Just how many times did she do it?
"You hurt yourself because of me?"
There are so many scars. What if you died? What if I woke up and ended up finding you dead? Are we going to reenact an old play like Romeo and Juliet?
Fear overwhelmed me, entangled like a spider web, making me unable to breathe.
"Lisa, how could you do this?!" I bellowed at her.
How could you do this? What have you done to my most important and cherished Lisa?
"Why can't I do it when you can?!" She finally looked straight at me. Feeling more injustice and fear than me, her reply was fiercer than mine, "Why should I live on when you're dead?!"
What kind of logic is this? Why can't you live on when I'm dead?
I didn't save you from that ice cold lake just for you to try and commit suicide afterwards!
Of course I knew that you would feel hurt, sad and regretful. You would have always remembered me, the one who died.
However, although it may be selfish of me, I saved you hoping that you will live well and happy...
Nevertheless, I can no longer reproach her.
"With the birds, I had shared this lonely view." She hummed.
I know it's useless trying to criticize Lisa now. Once she feels that she is not wrong, she will continue to feel this way. Feeling that she doesn't need to live on if I'm not around, a feeling that lingers no matter what.
Lisa has always been so stubborn...
I'm unable to correct her. I can only bear with her, with her stubbornness, persistence and her nature to mask her inner vulnerability with a tough shell.
She really can make someone feel angry, distressed and helpless.
Fortunately, it didn't result in a grievous mistake.
Thankfully, heaven decided to have mercy on us and gave us another chance to restart. She is still in my embrace, she can still laugh and cry, she is still breathing and her heart is still beating.
It was so difficult to achieve...
Let her continue being cold, arrogant and stubborn.
Anyway, she has always been this way when I liked her.
It's already a luxury that I can restart.
I have always been very greedy, but now I'm very satisfied.
I pulled on her sleeve. In the end, she had still won me. Seeing me back down, she also stopped being haughty, continuing to bury her head on my shoulder obediently.
"Lisa, I missed you so much." I spoke softly into her ears, "I missed you. And, I love you..."
How unfair. It has always been me saying this.
It was me who said it last time, but she ignored me.
Now, it was still me who was saying it. However, she was sobbing so much she couldn't say it.
I suddenly felt that I'm losing too much in this. I'm saying it so kindly to her. In the end, I'm going to end up in the palm of her hand again.
I'm really making a loss, being with Lisa.
Forget it. There's still a long time. I will force her to say it back to me a thousand times.
I feel that I'm doing much better than before. I can deal with Lisa slowly. I will let her off for today.
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