Odd
I stood on one side and quietly watched her. I was shocked to see an expression of fragility appearing slowly on Lisa's expressionless face.
I had seen this expression before. Long ago, Lisa had the same expression when we were at the hospital with Jennie. This was when she thought that Jennie wouldn't survive. It was an expression that made others feel an extraordinary heartache. It made them feel that they didn't know what to do. She thought that she had covered it up well but the people around her could tell that she wanted to cry but couldn't.
Ever since she left the trainee team, she gradually became someone who could hide her thoughts. She always looked cold on the surface.
Now that cold mask of her seemed to have broken like glass.
I knew that Lisa was a proud person. She would put on a strong facade even if she was wronged. She would never let someone else see her when she was weak.
In fact, she still looked expressionless overall. She could have continued acting but there was no one around to see it so she could gradually show her sorrows. The most impactful actress could make the audience feel shrouded by a sense of sadness by simply standing there without crying or smiling. Lisa currently looked just like that.
Was it because of me?
It looked like she did care about me even though she didn't love me. She hated me but she wasn't as heartless as how she had always shown herself to be.
This was sufficient enough to make me feel happy and satisfied.
This was definitely redemption for someone like me who forever loved her.
Jennie came back pretty late. She didn't look as pale as she was when she went out but her expression still looked strange.
I don't get it. Why was she so anxious for me?
It should have been enough if she was just acting. Lisa didn't even bat an eye to it.
We were considered close. We often drank and went out for karaoke together because of Lisa. I didn't treat her badly when I was alive but I didn't treat her well either.
I had always made it clear that I was inviting her because of Lisa; I was inviting her as Lisa's "friend" and I clearly showed that I had no desire to give Lisa to her.
Lisa changed back to her cold demeanor again after Jennie came back. If Jennie doesn't speak, she wouldn't take the initiative to speak even though she obviously looked defeated. Lisa was trying to act cool but she wasn't able to hide the fact that she was looking at Jennie's every movement. It was as though she was trying to read something from Jennie's actions.
Jennie didn't seem to be in the mood to play such games with her but she still kept quiet on purpose. Based on her expression, she seemed to be gloating with clenched teeth on the inside.
I felt very uneasy after I saw that look. I was worried that Sehun might have told her everything.
I didn't want Lisa to find out that I was already dead.
Initially, I didn't want her to find out because I was worried that my death would affect their relationship. But now, I didn't want her to find out because I'm worried about her.
Although I didn't think that Lisa would laugh happily and live a perfectly happy life after learning that I died, I did think that she would at least feel a few seconds of guilt towards me, the little grass which she had accidentally stepped on in her life journey filled with endless happiness. That was what I thought before I died but I was no longer sure after seeing her state after Jennie left the house.
You could say that I was being pretentious or that it was just wishful thinking. However, I think that Lisa might actually care about me much more than I thought.
It was fine even if it was out of disgust or resentment.
When I was still alive, I would always cling to her, refusing to let her go. However, I didn't wish for myself to haunt her even after I died.
They were both waiting for the other to speak first.
It was Jennie who broke the silence in the end. She broke a glass cup. It was probably by accident but she made it seem like it was on purpose and used the opportunity to bring up the topic.
I really wished that Jennie would disappear at this very moment. I didn't want to see the expression on Lisa's face once she found out that I had died.
I had once thought of it. Regardless of whether she was feeling sad for me or not, I didn't wish to see her expression.
I wouldn't be unhappy even if she was indifferent.
I was just scared that she would be upset.
I couldn't bear to see it. I inflicted the cut on myself in hopes that it would be better for her. I had never wanted it to be the source of her pain.
I just felt that the world would have been better without me.
"She got leukemia, just like I did before." It was just a short sentence of eight words but Jennie's eyes reddened.
I stared blankly. I see. Sehun didn't tell her that I died but told her about the fact that I was ill.
This... wasn't a bad way to end it.
Sehun promised me that he wouldn't tell her. He would just leak the news that I'm cured afterwards. Then they could treat it as us not meeting ever again. Lisa probably wouldn't think too much of it. There were many friends in life that we never meet again.
Jennie was someone who had experienced the ordeal before. She knew exactly what leukemia was and how scary it was. She knew just how much one needed to persevere and stay strong to overcome the disease.
What she didn't know was that I didn't even have half of her tenacity.
Lisa stood still without any expression or reaction.
She would always behave this way whenever she faced a sudden problem but Jennie saw it as her not giving any thought towards the issue. She became angry and kicked the coffee table between them. Jennie rushed forward and grabbed Lisa, shaking her back and forth.
"Can you have some sort of reaction? Are you sad? Are you happy? Say something!"
Something felt odd. What Jennie had just said could've been interpreted in two ways. It could be believed that she was being jealous because Lisa was worried about me. It could also be because she was feeling sorry for me.
It was obviously not the former. Jennie wasn't someone who was easily jealous. However, Jennie wasn't taking the position as Lisa's lover either.
I started realizing the oddity that I have been feeling from them for the past few weeks.
From the very first time Jennie appeared by Lisa's side, she had been taking the position of "Irene's friend" instead of "Lisa's lover".
I had always thought that they looked beautiful together whenever the two of them were behaving sweetly together. Yet, I always felt an oddity. Jennie always angered Lisa for some unfathomable reason but it was all because she was speaking up for me. I could finally understand the reason behind her actions and the oddity that I felt.
It was very clear that Jennie's every action had completely positioned herself as an "outsider". She was truthfully hating Lisa's cruelty towards me. In addition, she was worried about me and feeling sorry for me.
I think that things might have been different from what I imagined. It seems like there were still many things I had not understood. Jennie's actions were something completely out of my predictions. She was keeping a link between me and Lisa and she was strangely agreeable about us being together. She was also oddly friendly towards the unlikable me.
Lisa came back to her senses after being shaken by Jennie. She adopted her usual attitude and went straight to the point.
"Have you told Sehun that Seoul central hospital has found a suitable bone marrow?"
"Of course I did."
"Then there's nothing to worry about." Lisa heaved a sigh of relief. She adjusted her clothes and sat on the sofa after breaking free from Jennie.
Jennie was clearly dissatisfied with her calm reaction. She wasn't able to think of a rebuke so she stood there in silence.
"Are you... not going to ask Irene about it?" Jennie sighed and finally reverted back to the cultured Jennie. She sat beside Lisa.
"What for?" Lisa was afraid that Jennie would suddenly jump at her again so she added in embarrassment, "The call isn't going through."
"We don't even know when it started... Irene must have been afraid." Jennie said lightly, somewhat mumbling to herself. I saw that Lisa's face visibly darkened. Despite that, Jennie didn't stop. She turned around to look at Lisa and ruthlessly said, "Irene probably knew that she was ill and that's why she moved out. You did her wrong. What if she ends up dying?"
That was killing someone intangibly. Lisa's face was completely dark after hearing that.
However, the question I was most concerned about popped up again. The phrase Jennie used was "you did her wrong" and not "we did her wrong".
No matter what, she should still have some kind of awareness. She was the one who snatched Lisa away even though Lisa was the one who chased me out. It was not her fault that Lisa liked her and it wasn't wrong for her to like Lisa.
However, I liked Lisa first and she had agreed to be my lover. The actual statement should have been that "both of them have wronged me."
She kept moving one step backwards and placing herself as an outsider. She was also unreasonably blaming Lisa for treating me badly. I don't understand.
■■
It was a disaster the next day when Lisa had to take publicity photos for her new album. The album was specifically set to be released on Valentine's Day next year. The idea was very creative. On Valentine's Day, single girls would probably feel happier after getting an idol's new album. With this as the main idea, the album will consist mostly of upbeat love songs. It was not meant to make someone cry alone at home while listening to the CD.
Lisa was wearing a brand new golden suit. She wasn't able to sweetly smile when she was supposed to.
It had always been okay for her to take pictures without a smile. However, the intended effect of this album was "A Sweet Valentine's Day" so she must smile.
She was still expressionless no matter how the staff tried to beg and ask her to smile.
In the end, a lackey proposed the idea of bringing Jennie, who was currently making a guest appearance in a fashion show on the same floor. There weren't many people who were able to come to the true conclusion about their relationship but everyone knew that the two of them got along well together. Anyone that wasn't blind would be able to see that Lisa's ice mask would melt whenever Jennie was around.
It was supposed to be a wise idea but to everyone's disappointment, Jennie wasn't effective against Lisa today.
When Jennie arrived and saw Lisa, she left without saying a word.
The people around didn't know the inside story so the rumor that the two celebrity friends were fighting spread out.
Lisa had always been obstinate and was unable to do anything that didn't go with her mood. The staff tried their best for the whole day but they could only pack up in embarrassment.
I felt that my matters were largely responsible for this.
When I died, I wasn't expecting a call from the hospital to my home. The call had made everything complicated. It was supposed to be very simple: after our breakup, Lisa and Jennie would live happily ever after with Irene completely out of the picture.
At the car park, Lisa sat in her car but didn't start it up.
I had thought that she was waiting for Jennie but I remembered that Jennie told her that she wouldn't be able to return home tonight. There were some activities regarding Rosé's "On the Ground" at L.A. so Jennie would be busy for two days with Rosé on the other side of the ocean.
Rosé might take the chance to make a move. Who knows.
I looked at where Lisa had been staring at and saw the person that he was waiting for.
It was Sehun with his silver Mercedes.
Lisa got out of the car and walked towards her. Sehun seemed to have been prepared for this and elegantly waited there.
"Director Oh." Lisa was surprisingly very polite this time.
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