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"Gaga ka ba?" malakas na tanong ni Ryn sa akin nang pinuntahan nila ako sa kwarto ko matapos kong sabihin sa kanila ang nangyari. It was almost 9 in the evening and they have decided to stay with me tonight because of what happened. They're really always there for me when I need them.
I was just sitting on the edge of my bed and I've been stopping myself from crying again. I'm getting tired of crying. When I went to my room earlier today, I just kept on crying. They were all asking for me and I just told them that I wasn't feeling well. Hindi na rin ako bumalik para kausapin ang iba pang mga empleyado dahil hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko ba sila lahat haharapin sa estado ko.
Mabuti na lang at hindi nagpumilit ang mga magulang ko na palabasin ako ng kwarto kanina. Wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang umiyak habang iniisip ang mga nangyari.
How hurt Cloud was when I said those words.
How over we are now.
"Ryn," awat ni Anj sa kaibigan namin dahil nakikita nito kung paano akong umiyak. Nasa tabi ko ito habang inaalo ako.
Ryn looked at her and shook her head and turned her head on me again. "Anj, look. I'm just... I don't understand you, Ash. Why did you do that without even talking to Cloud? Why did you do that without clarifying things and–"
"I don't know..." I looked down and started sobbing again. Mahigpit kong niyakap ang unan habang patuloy ang pag-iyak ko. I know that I am not in the position to cry, to be like this because I was the one who broke up with him, but I feel like a shit right now.
I feel like a mess.
And I couldn't stop blaming myself again. Kung mali ako ng akala, kung mali ako ng ginawa, I just hurt him for the second time. Ibig sabihin ay ang pagkakamaling nagawa ko noon, ginawa ko ulit.
Sinaktan ko ulit si Cloud.
"I don't know..." muling sabi ko bago tumingin sa kanilang dalawa. Nanlalabo ang mga mata ko sa patuloy na pag-iyak at lumapit naman sa akin si Anj at niyakap ako ng mahigpit. "I don't know. I... was stupid, I know. I am stupid, I know that..." nagyuko ako at niyakap ng mahigpit si Anj. Sumasakit na rin ang ulo ko sa pag-iyak ngunit para bang hindi nauubos ang mga luha ko sa pagpatak.
"I... they kept telling me those things... and–"
"And you believed them..." Ryn cut me off and looked at me. Lumapit siya sa amin at tumabi rin sa akin at hinawakan ang kamay ko. Sunod-sunod pa rin ang pagpatak ng mga luha ko habang nakatingin kay Ryn.
She was right.
I believed them.
"What happened to my dad's company... I saw how hurt he was. How devastated he was... and I can't put him through that pain again if ever there's another plan that is coming and–"
"Ashanti..." pinisil ni Ryn ang kamay ko at tinitigan ako. "Your dad is fixing it, and you're helping him, and so is Cloud."
I looked down and sobbed.
"But you don't understand... I heard him, I heard him talking about his plans..."
"You thought he was back to get his revenge, right?" she asked me again and I looked at her. "You thought he was back to hurt you, but didn't he prove to you that he loves you? O wala ka talagang tiwala kay Cloud?"
"Ryn, that's enough. You can talk to her about that some other time," si Anj ang umawat sa babae ngunit umiling lang ito sa kanya.
"I love him..." mahinang sabi ko bago humikbi. "I know that I love him..."
"But you didn't trust him..." muling sabi ni Ryn sa akin. This time, her voice was calmer, it was softer.
I looked down and sobbed again.
Hinawakan ni Anj ang likod ko at marahang hinagod iyon habang nakatingin sa akin. "You should get more rest first, Ashanti..." si Anj ang nagsalita at tumingin kay Ryn. "We will deal with this tomorrow, okay?" sabi niyang muli sa akin at pinunasan ang pisngi ko. "You should take some rest. A lot has happened..."
I hugged her tight and continued sobbing while leaning on her shoulder. Hindi ko masabi rito kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon dahil alam ko na ang hirap intindihin ng nangyari...
I was impulsive.
I wasn't thinking straight.
I acted based on impulse and now... now, Cloud is gone.
I made him leave...
And maybe... I will regret my decision, but what can I do? I was so worried about my parents. Nag-aalala ako sa kanila lalo pa at nangyari iyon sa daddy ko.
"It's going to be okay, Ash... it's going to be okay..." Anj said again before looking at Ryn. Naramdaman ko rin ang pagyakap ni Ryn sa akin at hinayaan ako ng mga ito na umiyak nang umiyak.
Napakabigat sa pakiramdam... I was the one who pushed him away, but... I am also the one hurting so much right now.
They stayed with me until I fell asleep. Hindi nila ako hinayaang mag-isa at paggising ko kinabukasan ay masakit pa rin ang ulo ko mula sa lahat ng nangyari.
Marahan lang akong bumangon at nagpunta sa banyo para maghilamos. I looked at myself and I am a complete mess.
Namamaga ang mga mata ko, namumula ang mga iyon dahil sa pag-iyak. What I can see in the mirror now is the Ashanti when I broke up with him years ago. I look the same Ashanti who cried all night, regretting her decision and missing him so much.
Nag-unahan ang pagpatak ng luha sa mga mata ko habang nakatingin sa sarili ko. I looked down and saw the ring on my finger. Mas lumakas ang pag-iyak ko nang maramdaman ko na namang muli ang kirot sa dibdib ko dahil sa nangyari.
How I feel the big hole in my chest... like there's no way to heal from this.
I looked down and bit my lip hard and tried calming myself.
"You did that, Ashanti... you did that. Stop crying..." I told myself as I tried breathing heavily. I stayed in the bathroom for a couple more minutes before I washed my face. Lumabas ako ng banyo na tulog pa rin ang dalawang kaibigan ko kaya lumabas na muna ako ng kwarto para bumaba.
Nakita ko ang mga magulang ko na naroon.
"I'm glad that Cloud is helping us," narinig ko na sabi ni Daddy kay Mommy. Napahawak ako sa pinto at napahinto ako nang marinig ko ito. "Things are really hard but I am glad that he's here to help us and he's with Ashanti."
"I know. Ako man ay masaya para sa kanilang dalawa. I can see how happy Ashanti is whenever she's with Cloud, and he loves our daughter. Iyon naman din ang mahalaga."
I bit my lip again when I heard my mom. Hindi sinabi ni Cloud sa mga ito ang nangyari... hindi pa nito sinasabi sa mga ito.
And he's... he's still helping my dad.
"Cloud said his dad will also help us rebuilt the company," may sigla sa boses ni Daddy nang sabihin niya iyon. "Of course, I said I will think about it, but I know we need all the help we can get," he added.
I breathed heavily and took a step back. Instead of going back to my room, I just went out to walk and to clear my mind. I sat on the bench when I reached the park.
With a heavy heart, I looked at the sky and smiled sadly.
Paano ko sasabihin sa mga magulang ko ang nangyari? Paano ko sasabihin sa kanila ang ginawa ko? Paano ko rin haharapin si Cloud ngayon?
Hindi ba dapat ay ako ang galit sa kanya dahil sa alam kong ginawa niya...? Pero bakit... bakit hindi ko maramdaman iyon.
All I can feel now is pain.
Pain because I lost him.
I wiped my cheeks again when I felt the tears rolling down from my eyes again. I heaved a sigh and stayed in the park for almost 30 minutes before I decided to walk back home. Alam kong kailangan ko ring harapin ang mga magulang ko, ang mga nangyari, si Cloud... kailangan kong harapin ang mga nangyayari.
It's either I will be able to solve it, or leave it.
It has been three days and I haven't heard anything from Cloud. Sa bahay lang ako nag-oopisina habang ang iba ay kinuhanan na ni Daddy ng pansamantalang office spaces. Kahit papaano ay nagsisimula ng ayusin ang mga nangyari.
And no one noticed what happened to me and Cloud.
Bumaba lang ako nang magtanghalian na para kumain. I really have no appetite but I need to eat since I have work to do. Kung hindi lang siguro kailangan, baka hindi na rin ako kumakain.
"Are you okay, Ashanti?" tanong ni Mommy sa akin. I looked at her and nodded my head. Nagyuko ako at nagpatuloy sa pagkain.
"Are you still sick? Bumabagsak ang katawan mo, ah?" puna nito sa akin, humigpit naman ang hawak ko sa kubyertos.
I cleared my throat.
"I... I was just having a hard time sleeping, Mom, dahil sa nangyari..." sagot ko sa kanya at gusto kong pagsisihan na bumaba ako para kumain. Dapat pala ay nagpahatid na lang ako ng tanghalian sa kwarto ko.
"You should take some time off. Cloud is helping your dad and your dad said they're doing good so far," ngumiti ito sa akin at hinawakan ang kamay ko. "Wag ka ng mag-alala, okay?"
Marahan akong tumango sa kanya at huminga ng malalim at pinilit ang sarili na kumain. Halos hindi ko rin naman nagalaw ang pagkain ko ay nagpaalam na ako na aakyat na para bumalik sa ginagawa ko.
In the afternoon, we had an online meeting. I turned off the camera and listened to them. Napatuwid ang likod ko nang makita ko na sumali roon si Cloud. Gaya ko ay nakapatay rin ang camera nito.
I could feel my heart thumping on my chest while looking at his name. Nanlabo ang mga mata ko habang nakatingin doon kaya mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin at huminga ng malalim.
He seemed okay.
He seemed fine.
Tahimik lang ako habang nagsasalita ang mga ito para sa mga susunod na plano nila. Hindi ako nakikisali at hinahayaan ko ang mga ito sa mga sunod na hakbangin nila para maging okay na ulit ang company. Kung paano babangon muli.
"We also received a report from the police about what happened."
Napatuwid ang likod ko sa narinig ko. Nalaman na nila kung ano ang nangyari?
"I will hand over the report to Mr. Laurel and he will be the one who will discuss it to all of you," dagdag ni Cloud. May mga nagtanong dito pero sinabi na lang nito na hindi ito ang sasagot sa mga tanong.
"Thanks, have a great day," he said again before leaving the virtual meeting. Hindi ako nakagalaw habang nakatingin lang ako sa screen. Isa-isang nawala ang mga tao roon hanggang ako na lang mag-isa ang natira.
I bit my lip again and breathed heavily. Naihilamos ko ang palad sa mukha bago pinatay ang laptop at tumayo upang maglakad-lakad sa loob ng kwarto ko.
He seemed calm... or... he's mad?
We haven't talked for days. Hindi ko siya tinatawagan, hindi niya rin ako kinakausap. Hindi kami nagpapansinan na dalawa. Nagsasama lang kami sa mga meetings gaya kanina pero hindi talaga kami nag-uusap.
Kung nasa kanya na ngayon ang report, malamang ay alam na niya ang nangyari...
Kinuha ko ang phone ko at tinawagan si Daddy para alamin kung nasaan ito. Ibinigay naman nito sa akin ang address kaya kinuha ko na rin ang susi ng sasakyan at diretsong lumabas para puntahan ito.
Halos may kalahating oras din akong nagmaneho bago ko ipinarada ang sasakyan ko sa tabi ng sasakyan ni Daddy. Napansin ko na naroon din ang sasakyan ni Cloud.
I went inside the building and looked for them. Nauna kong nakita ang secretary ni Daddy kaya sinamahan ako nito papunta sa kanya. Lumilinga-linga ako habang naglalakad kaming dalawa.
"Dito po, Ma'am," sabi nito sa akin bago binuksan ang pinto.
I smiled a little and went inside and I froze when I saw Cloud there.
"Ashanti," dad acknowledged me.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know that–"
"It's okay," sabi ni daddy habang nakatingin sa akin. "It's also a good thing you're here," sabi nito bago ako sinabihan na maupo rin doon. "The report is here..." he raised the folder and looked at me.
Nilingon ko si Cloud na seryoso lang habang nakatingin sa daddy ko.
Hindi niya ako tinatapunan ng tingin.
I clenched my fist.
"It was Leonardo who's behind what happened..." sabi ni Daddy na ikinakunot ko ng noo.
"What?" I asked him and took the folder from him. Binasa ko iyon at lumalabas na may inutusan ang lalaki para simulan ang sunog.
"He was a former finance officer and we asked him to resign since the company is losing millions," si Cloud ang nagsalita. Tumingin siya sa akin, diretso sa mga mata ko. "He was the one who's behind what happened, Ms. Laurel."
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.
"I can't believe it, too, Ashanti. Hindi ko akalain na sa sobrang galit niya sa nangyari ay gagawin niya ang bagay na iyon. He was like a family to us," nanlulumo na sabi ni Daddy sa amin ni Cloud. "I will talk to our lawyer and make sure he will pay for what he did," dagdag nito.
Hindi pa rin ako makakibo dahil sa nangyari.
Cloud... he was innocent...
I was wrong...
Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakita ko si Cloud na nakatingin na muli sa Daddy ko.
"Cloud–"
"This is my last day here, too, Sir," sabi ni Cloud bago ko pa matuloy ang sasabihin ko. Nangunot ang noo ni Daddy sa sinabi ng lalaki. Maging ako ay nagulat sa sinabi nito.
"What? What happened?" Dad asked Cloud and I was just looking at him.
"Dad offered me a new position in the company. I want to focus on that business," he said, still serious. "Don't worry, as promised we will help, but I won't be the one who will lead it," he added and got up.
"Looks like you're decided... but I am thankful for your help, Cloud. We're really thankful..." tumayo rin si Daddy at nakipagkamay sa lalaki.
Nanatili akong nakaupo habang mahigpit na hawak ang folder. Nag-excuse si Daddy nang tawagin ito ng secretary para sa sunod na meeting nito.
Naiwan kaming dalawa sa opisina nito habang nakatayo pa rin ang lalaki.
"You're... leaving..." mahinang sabi ko habang nag-uunahan ang pagpatak ng mga luha sa mga mata ko. I looked at him and I saw him tighten his jaw.
"I'm just doing what you wanted..." he said in a cold voice.
I bit my lip hard and looked at him. "I..." bumibigat ang paghinga ko habang nakatingin sa kanya.
What I did was wrong...
What I did was so wrong...
"I get it, Ashanti. You think that low of me and I can't blame you. Mula naman noon, ako ang naghabol sa'yo, hindi ba?" he said while looking at me.
"No, Cloud, I was–"
"This time, I won't chase you anymore. I'll do what you want. I'll let you go. Please take care of yourself," he said and walked towards me and kissed my forehead.
I looked down as I watched him walk away from me.
And it's all my fault.
It was all my fault.
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