break my heart again -yeonbin-
-entry twenty-
october 31st
red. that was the color around yeonjun right now. blood was dripping down his body and puddled on the ground.
he laid there on the bathroom floor with the lights turned off. no one was home. it was quiet. yeonjun couldn't ask for a better way to die.
tears dropped from his eyes. this was a bittersweet moment. he didn't want to die, but it was the only way to escape. he wanted to have the joys of life but that's not something he was deserving of.
he can feel his heart racing and his vision blurring. he's too dizzy to even sit up. everything hurt. his head had a piercing headache and his stomach cramping.
none of this pain could equal the hurt in his heart.
it was too dim for yeonjun to see where the blade went as he slowly moved his hand around to find it. there wasn't a spot on his arms or thighs that wasn't cut. he knows he shouldn't lose this much blood but it didn't matter, there was no going back now.
even though the lights were off, he could see the outline of the pills that spilled out of his hands and scattered while forcing them down his throat. the amount he swallowed is unknown.
he laid there thinking about all the happy times he had when he was a kid. oh how he wishes he could be 9 years old again.
his childhood might have been harsh but at least he had fun. the life he lived now wasn't enjoyable at all.
then yeonjun's thoughts went back to his parents. he couldn't control the sobs that came out his mouth. even though his parents are too strict on him and he claims to hate them, it's all not true.
he loves his parents, how could he hate them. remembering all the times he had with his dad made him cry uncontrollably. he misses the bond he used to have with him.
he feels horrible for the way he's been with his parents the past few years. they added on to his anger and that's why he blows up at them but how could he hate them? his heart is too forgiving to stay angry at them.
remembering the times where they'd push him on the swings or buy him his favorite food made his heart ache especially when they'd wake him up at night and apologize for yelling at him before sleeping.
he wishes that's how his parents treated him now but he ruined it all. yeonjun was such a fool for love that he saw his family as his enemy.
earlier in the day
yeonjun went out of his room and ate breakfast with his family for the last time. he helped around which surprised his mom but she didn't question it.
they didn't talk much at the table but yeonjun knows it's for best because they'd either get in an argument or he'd cry since this was his last day with them.
he did chores around the house and his parents thanked him for it but they said, "you do this once every year, you should help out more" it made him feel guilty for not doing his job as their son.
yeonjun even played with his siblings. they were shocked that he agreed, especially since they've been begging him for months but he always dismisses them.
after a long day of spending time with his family, he was exhausted. the message to soobin was sent. it contained, "baby you know i love you so much right? i'll love you always and forever, that's what i promised you. i'm sorry if i ever upset you but please forgive me. you'll always be in my heart <3"
rereading the text made yeonjun cry a little. he's gonna miss all the memories he had with soobin even from elementary school.
end of flashback
~
yeonjun inhaled sharply as he felt pain surge through his whole body. he started coughing up blood but he couldn't see it. that's the way he wanted to die. he didn't want to see himself, it was disgusting.
he breathed heavily, feeling the stinging sensation on his arms and thighs. there was too much pain everywhere. it's okay though, he deserves it.
yeonjun didn't have the energy to move his limbs anymore. since he can't hurt himself physically then he'll do it mentally.
"you suck yeonjun"
"your worthless"
"everyone hates you"
"no one's gonna miss you"
he whispered all sorts of things to himself. nothing positive, he's always been a negative person.
"will my parents be glad that i'm finally gone? they don't have to complain about how much i annoy them anymore. they'll be happy right?"
it hurt to speak and his throat burned. he assured himself it'll be over soon.
~
"one day i'll travel the world but i HAVE to go to london before i die"
yeonjun recalled this memory from a couple years ago. he had a huge obsession with london as a kid and it stuck with him until middle school.
he's not sure why he loved it so much but he was upset when his dad went there without him so he told himself he'd go once he grew up.
yeonjun lost his love for london. he lost his love for everything he used to enjoy. even though london wasn't important to him anymore, he wanted to go there to satisfy his childhood self.
it was too late now. that hope vanished as soon as yeonjun stepped into the bathroom earlier. it was fine though. everything was fine.
~
to pass some time, yeonjun played some music. it was a bad idea because this one song started.
i'm scared
it feels like you don't care
enlighten me my dear
why am i still here?
this song described his feelings toward soobin in such a way that makes him start crying again. he tried really hard not to think about him but it's impossible. soobin is his whole world.
all the things soobin had promised him all went to waste. maybe it could've worked out if yeonjun kept sucking up all the pain soobin threw at him but it made him feel so insecure that his lover doesn't care about him as much as he used to.
he can't live without soobin but it's not guaranteed that they'll always be together. the only solution is to kill himself now so that in his last moments alive, soobin is his.
the guilt of leaving like this is heavy. would soobin be affected by this? he didn't want to cause his boyfriend any pain. yeonjun's heart could never handle soobin crying over him.
but then again, would he even cry? would he miss yeonjun?
suddenly yeonjun's thoughts were interrupted, he couldn't seem to catch his breath. he was gasping for air. his chest felt so tight and his head felt like it would explode any second. he coughed up some more blood as his whole body was shaking.
that went on for a minute or so until finally, his head fell to the side. yeonjun's heart stopped beating.
in the moments before he died, his last breath, he whispered, "you can always break my heart again but you'll always be my forever"
even in yeonjun's last moments, soobin was on his mind.
he truly loved him but all soobin did was betray him.
~ ♡ ~
THIS BOOK IS OFFICIALLY OVERR
i never thought i'd go through with my idea of writing a story on here but i accomplished my goal. im so grateful for everyone who read, voted, and commented <333
thank you so much for liking my story.
i honestly feel like the chapters were rushed and the whole story sucks but pls lmk what you think of it <3
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