break my heart again -yeonbin-
-entry nineteen-
october 30th
yeonjun tried pretending like everything was fine. he tried to ignore everything going on and put it in the past. soobin apologized so he should forgive him and move on.
why did it hurt so much though? he didn't want to annoy soobin so he pretended to be happy and go along with his conversations. he didn't want to annoy him.
yeonjun did what he was best at, push his feelings away to make the other person happy. he didn't want to be left alone. he'd rather be hurt than abandoned.
he can't leave soobin because no one else is willing to carry all of yeonjun's baggage. he comes with too many emotions and problems. no one would accept the real him.
the real yeonjun, his true personality and feelings are buried deep down. even soobin hasn't seen it all. yeonjun chooses which parts he wants to keep hidden so people won't leave him.
soobin knows his boyfriend inside and out and that's what makes yeonjun so vulnerable. no one knows him as much as soobin does. the parts he's hidden don't make much difference to what soobin knows about him. those parts are just how mentally fucked he is.
it's no secret he deals with many illnesses but no one knows the extent of them. people would think he's a freak or a liar.
the only solution is to bury those emotions and thoughts deep.
~
yeonjun has no idea how many days have passed, if he's eaten, or showered. it didn't matter anymore.
his days consisted of being cooped up in his room, crying. he texted soobin as if nothing is wrong.
soobin promised he wouldn't talk or see arin anymore so yeonjun can believe that he's over her.
but of course he lied.
he talked and hung out with her in secret and told his friends not to let yeonjun know. it hurt how he keeps lying and it hurts how yeonjun keeps believing.
he forgives him over and over again yet soobin keeps doing this stuff because he knows yeonjun will always stay.
he wishes soobin would tell him the things he's done wrong and actually feel sorry instead of apologizing for the sole reason that yeonjun found out.
is he even sorry? or does he only say he is because he's caught?
yeonjun's heart is broken off piece by piece but soobin tapes it up temporarily until he goes and breaks it some more. it's a never ending cycle in the name of love. (a/n stan bebe rexha)
maybe he deserves this. it's punishment for being a horrible person in life. he treats his parents badly and talks bad about everyone. he impulsively does stuff he would never do in the right state of mind.
he's done so many things that go against his beliefs, all because he didn't care about living. he can kill himself any time and the things he's done wouldn't matter.
is he happy though? of course not. yeonjun laughs, smiles, and makes jokes at school but no one knows what goes on at home.
as soon as he leaves school, he doesn't talk to his family and locks himself in his room. he's a failure and can't even make his parents proud.
maybe he's the problem? everything is always his fault. yeonjun wishes one day he isn't blamed for the things going on around him.
it's his fault for the situation he's in. soobin does make him happy but he's also the cause of his sadness. soobin does the bare minimum but yeonjun sees it as the best thing in the world because no one has loved him before. he always misunderstands attention as love.
he should have listened to his mom. she always told him to stay away from soobin because he's a liar and doesn't love yeonjun.
but soobin isn't the problem, yeonjun is just unlovable.
~ ♡~
this chapter is so messy and unorganized but i didn't know what else to write 😭
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