break my heart again -yeonbin-
-entry thirteen-
september 4th
it's the weekend now and soobin still hasn't texted yeonjun. he was expecting it honestly but he doesn't care anymore. that's what he's telling himself to get over it. maybe this will pass sometime soon and everything will be back to normal.
it's a saturday and yeonjun is bored out of his mind. there's nothing to do and he's too lazy to go outside and do anything.
after a while he decided he'll just play some music. he put his airpods on and clicked on his playlist for depressing times like this.
he was fine at first, singing along to the lyrics until the songs started becoming a little too relatable. he felt sad but he couldn't let any tears out.
sometimes he cries so much and then when he really needs to release his tears, nothing comes out. it was exactly like this song he was listening to now called juliet by cavetown.
i need to cry but i can't get anything out of my eyes
there are so many songs that express yeonjun's feelings such as vas by jagger finn, pretend by alex g, and i can't handle change by roar. music has always been a comfort to him because they sing the feelings that he can't put into words.
he sometimes writes and listens to music at the same time but he ends up staining the paper in tears. he regularly writes his feelings out, it's a habit ever since he was in elementary school because there was never anyone there to listen to him.
yeonjun took out his journal and decided to write to pass some time.
yeonjun's journal
i don't think i'm getting any better honestly. i've been dissociating so bad, especially today. nothing feels real. am i even real? are the people around me real? i don't feel any emotions. i just sit in a dark room and stare at the wall while the ringing in my ears get louder and louder.
i don't want to see anyone at all. they all feel unnecessary. they're all liars. everyone always betrays me after i've given them my all. why's it always me? why can't i find someone who truly loves me for me? and not as in a lover, just a friend is fine.
i don't even know how to explain my disorder. like i feel literally nothing at all but there's this heavy feeling in my chest that's warning me something bad is going to happen.
i feel like i have powers or something because whenever i think or dream of something it comes to life most of the time. it sucks though because all my thoughts are negative and my dreams are either the weirdest and most random things ever which doesn't happen a lot, or nightmares which happens quite often.
they aren't just regular nightmares, sometimes they feel so real. i always get hurt in my stomach whether it's a stab or someone ripping my organs apart. it feels so real and sometimes i find myself crying in my sleep from the pain. i don't know why i can feel them but they keep coming.
i'm always half awake while having these nightmares. i tell myself to wake up but i physically can't. i'm trapped inside and i can't escape.
everything about me is so fucked up, even my physical health. all my vitamins are low, i wake up with never ending headaches, dizziness, and sometimes i can't even balance. everytime i get up my vision turns black and my head throbs with pain. i always feel like i'm going to faint.
i'm also like super hungry and i hate it because i need to fucking lose weight. i hate that i love food so much. i wish i didn't crave anything or feel hunger so that way i can be happy with my body but then again who am i kidding, i'm never happy with my body.
i've never liked anything about myself for as long as i remember and that's around the age of 6 or 7. people would make fun of my skin color and i've hated myself for it up till now. i recall crying to my mom daily telling her that i'm adopted because both my parents are way lighter than me. i'd always tell her that everything about me is ugly and over the years that's just become a daily thing.
no one really cares about how i feel or how my mental health is. i feel like shit because i AM shit. no one asks how i am and even if i tell them i'm not doing well, they don't wanna know why. my own parents see my puffy eyes and frown everyday to the point that now they're used to it and they don't ask why i'm upset.
if i try to explain my feelings to them, they say it's bullshit. so now i believe that my feelings truly are bullshit. not like anyone cares anyways.
i'm so insecure it's not even healthy at this point. i look at myself in the mirror and i breakdown because i'm the ugliest person ever. my face is ugly, my hair is ugly, my body is ugly, even my voice.
i don't blame people for not liking me because even i don't like myself. i-
yeonjun's fingers dropped the pencil out of his hand. the sound he was hearing through his ears made him stop everything. i sat there listening some more until he broke down.
the song that started to play was sleep thru ur alarms by lontalius. this song doesn't have a lot of lyrics but it means so much to yeonjun.
ever since 3 years ago, this song was his comfort song. he listened to it when his depression really started hitting bad. it was always on replay and was the only thing that could lull him to sleep.
there's never been a song that really stuck with him this long. usually after hearing it so many times, he gets sick of it but this song is special in his heart. they've been through a lot together.
thoughts that go like bullets through you the time you told me that you wish you were dead
yeonjun buried his face into his pillow as hot tears streamed down his face. the emotions, trauma, and memories this song made him feel/remember was enough to make his tears finally spill.
he released loud sobs in which he tried to quiet down by shoving his face further into his pillow and pinch himself.
this song was there for him when he tried to commit suicide for the second time (the first being when he was 8). it was there for him when he first cut himself. when he lost all his friends. when he was all alone at night curled up in bed waiting for someone to check up on him.
this was the one song he could never be separated from. "when you can't stop choosing to sleep through your alarms, man your losing your head" yeonjun sang along whispering while hiccuping from his choked sobs and the pain in his heart.
~ ♡ ~
yes i made yj tan 🙏
tbh i feel like this chapter is all over the place (the journal part) but that's how yj's mind works so deal with it >:(
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