break my heart again -yeonbin-
-entry seven-
august 16th
a week has passed and things just seem to worsen. it's the same thing every day and yeonjun has grown sick and tired of all this shit.
he's determined that today is his last day on earth. if soobin didn't care about him anymore then what's the point of living?
tears ran down yeonjuns face as his shaky hands type out his last message to soobin.
he read his text to make sure it was correct, "hey soobin, i honestly don't know what i've done wrong and everything has been so bad recently. i've decided i'm going to kill myself since you don't seem to care anymore. everytime i confront you, you laugh it off as if i'm saying some joke. i don't want to do this anymore. you've changed but i still love you, i always will."
soobin replied with "you won't do it" and that's what made yeonjun determined to end it all. all hopes of getting his lover back got crushed. it's so obvious soobin didn't care anymore so why should he keep suffering.
he grabbed some rope that he keeps in his closet for times like this and tied it around neck. yeonjun wasn't into hanging off the ceiling, he'd rather pull the rope tightly around his neck and choke himself. and that's what yeonjun did.
his vision was blurred, face turning blue. there was this pressure he felt in his teeth. he couldn't describe it but it always happened everytime he tried to end it.
right before he passed out, he let go of the rope. he fell to his side and took deep breathes. it was hard to regain his breathing but he finally did after a couple minutes.
he broke down as tears endlessly fell out his eyes. sobs left his mouth, "h-how could you do this to me soobin *hic* i love you so much *hic* do you really not love me anymore?"
yeonjun stumbled to his bathroom, locking the door and slid down the wall. in his hand he held his favorite blade. his whole body was shaking. he tried to wipe his tears but they seemed to be never ending.
all that was heard from the bathroom was yeonjuns choked sobs and his hyperventilating. he was having a panic attack as usual.
he lifted his shaky hand and placed it over his previous scars on his wrist. he angrily swiped the blade multiple times until all he could see was red.
by the time he was finished he had stopped crying and just stared at the wall. he doesn't feel anything at the moment and that's what's so good about cutting. it's as if all his feelings escape through the cuts.
he wiped away the blood, not bothering to sanitize his wrist. he never got an infection so it didn't seem important to take care of it. he stared at the blood oozing out and began punching his thigh.
yeonjun had always had this habit of hurting himself if he did something wrong, a way of self punishment. he used to bang his head into the wall but that changed into punching his thigh.
"your so fucking pathetic you know that yeonjun?" he laughed at himself "look what you've done. now your even more ugly, that's why soobin can't even stand you. you knew it was coming, you knew soobin couldn't love you forever. not when your this fucked up"
the only thoughts that ran through his head were, "this is probably why soobin doesn't want me anymore. i don't blame him, all i do is cry and complain about my life. he said he'd help me get better but of course he got tired of me relapsing over and over. you'll never get better yeonjun, your stuck in this endless loop forever."
he began crying again. he knew it was bad to do this but it's the only thing that made him feel better-at least until he's realized what he's done.
it's always the same. he cuts and he feels that empty emotion for a moment and then it all comes back to him. he feels guilty for cutting himself but he can't help it.
all the friends he had before would tell him to stop but it's the only way for him to get rid of the pent up feelings of anger and sadness.
he just wishes he could be happy, not be the freak he actually is.
he feels horrible because he promised soobin he would stop hurting himself, yet here he is just making his body worse than it was before.
yeonjun ended up crying until he passed out on the bathroom floor.
~ ♡~
poor junnie :(
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