break my heart again -yeonbin-
-entry nine-
august 25th (back to present time)
yeonjun was getting worse as the days went by.
his eyes puffy always, dark eye bags, messy hair. he stays curled up in bed all day just staring at the ceiling.
soobin is the only thing on his mind. everytime he remembers their memories, he starts sobbing.
he just wishes he could know what he did wrong. he doesn't know how to deal with soobin anymore.
he hasn't gotten any better than before. still ignoring yeonjun and paying little attention to him. as always he's hanging out with arin.
yeonjun wishes he could know what's so good about arin anyways. what does she have that yeonjun doesn't? is it because she's a girl? maybe soobin isn't interested in guys anymore.
the horrible feeling of something bad happening is all he feels through out every day. just waiting for that one text that's going to make the official
ending of their relationship.
riki has been getting closer to yeonjun. they've known each other for some time but soobin always told yeonjun to not talk to him so much because it makes him jealous. he wanted to make soobin happy so of course he listened.
he disregarded his words this time and started talking with riki more. they play minecraft sometimes or just call each other.
yeonjun doesn't really understand why riki wants to talk to him for hours, especially when all he's (yeonjun) doing is vent about soobin. he finds comfort in riki though.
when he first met riki, which was from a group chat, they clicked immediately. maybe because they both liked making jokes and sharing their interests. sometimes they would stay up till 2 am just texting.
soobin would always fall asleep early so once he woke up in the morning, he always found billions of messages from the group chat. it made him upset that yeonjun was talking to riki so much.
that was around the time they drifted apart due to soobin's wishes.
back to the present, yeonjun was about to text riki and ask if he wanted to talk as always. he never said no unless he was busy but he made time for yeonjun once he was free.
sometimes riki wouldn't text back for hours or even the next day but he said it was okay for yeonjun to vent. he'd always make sure to read the messages regardless of the length.
you:
hey are you free rn?
riki:
yeah just invite me to the voice chat
voice chat
(yeonjun right, riki left)
heyy
whats good
i took your advice on trying to talk to soobin but honestly he really doesn't want to talk to me.
do you feel like he's changed?
not gonna lie, yeah. whenever we argue or whatever, he keeps siding with arin.
like bros before hoes man.
are you serious? you've known each other since you were 7. they've been hanging out every single day and it's not like he feels bad at all because he posts their pictures on his story too as if i wouldn't see them.
do you want me to try to talk to him and see what's up?
yeah if you could but i'm scared he'll get mad at me or something.
nah don't worry, i won't tell him you sent me to ask him.
for the next hour and a half they talked a bit about riki's life, for example, how he likes this one girl and stuff.
sometimes riki would ask how yeonjun is doing mentally. he knows the other struggles with life. this was one of those times.
so how've you been doing recently?
honestly like shit. i don't even find happiness in life anymore. it's exactly how it was like before i met soobin. nah actually it's even worse than before. i don't want to live anymore riki. i'm suffering so much. don't you think i should just kill myself? i don't know what to do without soobin. i depended on him so much and i was so sure he'd be with me forever but what will i do if he leaves me? he's my everything riki. i miss him so much..
no never do that please. you know i'm always here if you want to talk and i'm sure soobin loves you. like i've never seen him this happy with anyone other than you, even with his ex. you make him really happy and i don't think he would want you to die. maybe he's just being a bitch now but it'll get better.
it's not even just that riki. even if this whole situation with soobin wasn't happening, i'd still want to die. you know exactly how my family life is and it really sucks. sure soobin helps ease the pain and anxiety but that doesn't mean i'm free from my depression. i'll never be free from my parents so why should i suffer for no reason?
i know but you just have to endure it for a bit longer. you've lived with it all these years so just wait. time makes things better. in a couple years you'll be happy and forget about all this and your past.
oh cmon riki, you have no idea what it feels like and i can't even explain to you how painful and stressing my life is. i've been waiting for so fucking long. since elementary school. i'm so tired. i don't want to wait more because i know if i wait it'll get worse. it always gets worse, every year that passes is worse than the previous.
yeonjun hated when people told him that things will get better because they never do. no one ever understands his situation and it's so frustrating.
everytime he's talking to riki, he has tears in his eyes but he would never cry in front of him. in fact he can't cry in front of anyone no matter how upset he is. they only people who have seen him cry are his family.
regardless of that suffocating feeling in his throat that he so badly wants to sob out, he could and would never let anyone see him that weak. he finds it embarrassing and that everyone would see him as a cry baby.
his whole life he's been told that there's no reason for him to cry. that his life is perfect and anyone would die for it. that his tears are just tears for attention. that his depression is fake regardless of what doctors say.
so yeonjun believes his feelings are fake and should be disregarded. they're unimportant. he bottles it all up and bursts it out once every couple months. even though he would have the most visible puffy eyes, no one would ask how he is. he could never talk his feelings out at home because they'd tell him it's all fake. that he hasn't gone through any hardships in life. so he learned to stay quiet because his feelings didn't matter anymore.
he could never be fixed anyways. just like glass, once it's broken, it can't be fixed. and even if it were to be put back together, there are missing pieces. it turns the valuable item into trash. that once valuable item is yeonjun.
soobin brought yeonjun's self esteem and happiness to the highest it can go and then dropped it far from the sky. yeonjun's heart came crashing down with it. if soobin was ever to go back to the way he was before, yeonjun couldn't. he'd have his doubts towards soobin, he'd be scared and paranoid.
yeonjun is desperately clinging on those moments filled with love. he's not sure how long he can keep this up, how long before his heart fully breaks apart.
~ ♡~
i think this is the longest chapter i've written
hopefully there aren't any mistakes
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