break my heart again -yeonbin-
-entry eleven-
august 30th
the school year has started up again. yeonjun was getting ready for his first day. it was 6 am and he was feeling exhausted since he barely slept last night.
he dressed in jeans and a white shirt. pretty basic but yeonjun is the type of person to dress based on how he feels. he put on some light makeup and headed out.
of course yeonjun being yeonjun, he arrived 20 minutes late. he was super anxious to the point his stomach hurt super bad and he felt the need to throw up so he debated wether he should go or not.
he ended up still going. he walked down the empty halls to his first class. he felt another anxiety attack coming since he'd have to open the classroom door and everyone would end up staring at him.
yeonjun paced around the hall for some time until he told himself to suck it up and go in. he was right though, everyone stared at him. the teacher was welcoming so he felt a little at ease.
it was the first week of school so he didn't have any lessons and it was basically free period the whole day. by lunch time yeonjun was bored out of his mind. he had some friends from middle school but he wasn't in the mood to talk to people.
his friends gave him no choice though and started hugging yeonjun and scolding him for not answering his phone during the summer. he didn't feel bad about ignoring them. they were fake friends anyways and always hung out without him and had group chats where he wasn't included.
he didn't care before because he had soobin to text during school but now it was getting tiring to just sit in class all day without anyone to talk to. his so called "friends" didn't have any classes with him so lunch was the only period he saw them.
lunch was pointless to yeonjun because he didn't want to eat anyways. he sat there listening to everyone's conversations until lunch was finally over.
the bell didn't ring but the announcements came on. "hello students. please make your way to the field for the pep rally. afternoon classes are canceled for this event. enjoy the rest of your first day!"
yeonjun was thankful that he didn't have to go to class anymore but it was scorching hot outside. he got dragged by his friends to the outside field and sat up on the bleachers.
one of yeonjun's friends was chatting with someone he didn't know. the unknown guy started talking to yeonjun and he didn't mind because the guy seemed nice.
the group of friends sat closely for the beginning of the rally until they all shifted down a step lower from yeonjun. he was a bit confused why they decided to move and he went to sit with them until the unknown guy named "alex" told him to stay by him.
yeonjun was starting to get uncomfortable because he kept telling alex that he had a boyfriend every time he tried to make a move. alex kept replying with "i'm better than him"
yeonjun decided he'll just ignore him but that didn't work for long because alex put his hand on his lap. at this point yeonjun started panicking but he didn't know what to do. he completely froze.
he removed his hand and told him to stop but the guy didn't listen and had the audacity to lay his head on yeonjun's lap. alex even told him to play with his hair. he was ignored so he got up and sat closer to yeonjun.
"you should be my boyfriend, i'll take good care of you"
yet again he got ignored. he put his arm under yeonjun's leg and tried to pick him up onto his lap.
"stop i don't want to sit on your lap" yeonjun spoke clearly
alex kept begging though, "please just sit on my lap" he said as he kept trying to pick yeonjun up.
yeonjun's anxiety made him mute. he didn't know how to react anymore and no words were able to come out his mouth. he couldn't shout for help or even tell his friends who were only a couple feet away.
everytime his friends looked back, he tried signaling them with his eyes that he was uncomfortable and needed help but they didn't catch it.
he sat there the whole pep rally trying to get alex off of him but it was no use. 2 hours later, yeonjun felt so relieved to hear the bells dismiss them home.
his relief was replaced with fear as his friends walked far away from him. he lost them in the crowd of students and tried to run after them but alex somehow caught up to him.
he walked by yeonjun's side taking his hand into his. he got up on his toes to place a kiss on the other's cheek since he was way shorter.
yeonjun was thankful in the moment that alex had his mask on because he would feel worse if the other's disgusting lips touched his cheek.
yeonjun kept trying to shake alex off by telling him to stop. he even pulled his hand away but the other kept grabbing it and holding it tight.
after walking out the field which felt like ages, alex had to go a different route to ride his bus. yeonjun was finally free. he felt lightheaded as he tried hard to look for his friends in the parking lot.
once he was reunited with them, he felt a billion times worse because they said, "we decided to leave you alone with that guy because you seemed to like it."
another one said, "are you cheating on your boyfriend?"
the rest that happened after was a blur. all yeonjun remembers is going home and laying on his bed, immediately knocked out.
an hour later once he woke up, he forgot what happened at school until it came back to him all at once.
he felt nothing. that's normally what he feels most of the time. he didn't feel any emotions because that's the way he's programmed, he goes through shit and he doesn't believe it happened until his brain processes everything hours later, sometimes days.
he felt guilty not telling soobin what happened so he texted him.
you:
hi so i have something to tell you but don't get mad
my everything <3 :
what
you:
so um today this guy..
yeonjun explained the whole situation to soobin and was anxious for his reply. a while later his phone buzzed. his hands were shaking as he opened up his phone.
my everything <3 :
are you actually serious right now? how could you let him touch you? you could've told him to fuck off or something. if you said no then he would've stopped. did you like it?
yeonjun's felt his heart drop to his stomach. was soobin seriously blaming him for it?
you:
i did tell him no like a billion times. just because i froze and i had no control over my actions doesn't mean that i liked it. i didn't know what else to do. why are you getting mad at me?? i got sexually assaulted and sure it wasn't that bad but he still did it without my consent.
yeonjun regretted telling soobin. he felt stupid because he could've just punched the guy but in that moment he couldn't do anything at all and that's the problem.
he felt disgusted with himself because now soobin is gonna hate him even more. he felt disgusted that he let alex do this to him.
it was all his fault. he could've easily pushed him off but he's just a pussy. now he feels even more grossed out about his body.
soobin doesn't want to be with anyone touched like this. he wants someone only he can touch but now soobin wasn't the only one who touched yeonjun. that's why soobin is angry.
yeonjun started breathing heavily. he couldn't think straight anymore. how could he let someone do this to him. he didn't get raped but he felt used. he felt horrible about himself.
"now soobin is going to leave you for real this time yeonjun" he sobbed to himself. he was having a panic attack and the only way to help him feel better was to cut.
so that's what yeonjun did. he cut himself and once he saw the blood, he felt himself breathe normally. he felt at peace, as if nothing had happened minutes ago.
what yeonjun had forgotten was how he's gonna go to school tomorrow with the possibility of seeing alex again.
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