South Boys 2 Heartbreaker
I took the jeepney to school and was already late. Daddy usually drives me, my mom, and my sister, to Brgy. Pinagtipunan, where the school was located, but I still needed to deal with some stuff this morning and decided to have them go ahead of me. It wasn't the first I commute to school, so it wasn't an issue.
I was already familiar with General Trias, Cavite a year after moving from Manila. This is where my mother hails from and where all her relatives reside. We lived in the house my parents bought in a newly-constructed subdivision.
Both of my parents were teachers. Mommy worked in the public school where Jillian, my younger sister, and I were studying. I was in 9th grade while my sister was in 8th.
Nasa Navarro na ang jeep na sinasakyan ko nang may sumakay na isang babaeng estudyante. Kapareho ng uniform na pangbabae sa school ko kaya natiyak ko na schoolmate ko ito. The girl seemed like she was also late. She took the seat in front of me, and I unconsciously stared at her.
I didn't know what came over me, but I just couldn't take my eyes off her. Maganda siya pero ang lungkot ng mga mata niya.
We got off in Malabon and took the same tricycle. When we arrived at school, she left hurriedly, but was called after by the driver and reminded her of her fare. I remembered then that I did not see her pay for the jeepney ride as well.
Tulala kasi siya palagi. Parang ang lalim ng iniisip niya kaya siguro nakalimot na siyang magbayad ng pamasahe. I didn't think more of it and thought that would be the last time I see her.
Thought wrong as I frequently encountered her during my commutes. I always stole a glance at her, but she never noticed as she was always deep in thought. She was so young, but seemed like she already carrying a lot of burdens in life.
......................................................................ARAW-ARAW. Halos ganoon kadalas ko na siyang nakakasabay. I'd become used to staring at her and it had become a ritual of sorts.
...................................................................I STILL DID NOT KNOW THE GIRL'S NAME. I never dared to ask, thinking just looking at her was good enough.
.............................................................................................................................................................AS TIME PASSED BY, the girl's demeanor changed. What was once a sad young girl had now a fierce aura surrounding her. I quietly witnessed the transition and marveled at it.
The girl started using lip tint on her naturally red lips. May pagkakataon na pumasok siya na merong highlights ang kanyang buhok na mahigpit na ipinagbabawal sa mga estudyante. As a result, our school guard didn't let her in the, but she didn't seem to care.
"Tangina, ayaw ako papasukin, e di 'wag!" sigaw niya at tumambay na lang sa labas.
Kinailangan ko pang kausapin ang guard para mawala ang atensyon nito sa kanya. Dahil doon ay nakapuslit siya papasok.
I was silently hoping that she would notice me, but sadly, that didn't happen...
........................................................................................................................................................ISANG BESES. Kasabay ko na naman siya sa jeepney. Magkaharap na naman kami pero katulad ng palagi, wala siyang pakialam sa paligid. She was busy on putting make up on her face. I stopped the urge to tell her she was already beautiful without it. Of course, I didn't want her to think that I was a creep.
Nahulog sa sahig ng jeepney ang lip tint niya. Maagap na pinulot ko iyon at iniabot sa kanya.
Please, look at me...
I wished that she would look at me this time. I waited for her to give me at least a glance, but she never did.
"Thanks," maiksing pasasalamat niya lang at muli nang ipinagpatuloy ang pagme-make up.
Until we got off the jeepney, she didn't even bother to look my way...
......................................................................................................................................................................................................THE NEXT DAY, my younger sister, Jillian made me a Facebook account. I uploaded a photo from Google; a female lion. May nakasulat dito na: "Lioness, filled with beauty and rage" I made it as my account's cover photo.
Jillian asked me why I chose that photo, and I just smiled at her.
...................................................................................................................................................................UWIAN. I was standing by the store at the corner of the street as I was waiting for her, knowing she would be headed home around this time. Nang makita ko siyang palapit ay sandali akong natigilan dahil may kasama siyang lalaki.
For the first time, she was with a guy. Masaya silang nagkukuwentuhan habang naglalakad.
Unconsciously, I studied the guy. He was tall and handsome. He had a silver earring on his left ear. He wore a black shirt instead of our school's white polo. He did not carry any bag, but he had a notebook folded in his slack's back pocket. He was wearing sneakers instead of black shoes.
Hindi ko napigilan ang ang pagkawala ng isang tanong sa aking isipan. Is this the type of guy she likes?
Mula noon ay madalas na silang sabay na umuuwi. Nang sumunod ay nagkaroon na ng motor ang lalaki. They rode on it without helmets and drove it very fast. I was always worried for her safety while I was silently cursing at the guy.
Naging bihira na rin mula noon na makasabay ko siya sa pagko-commute dahil palagi nang may naghahatid sa kanya. Bihira ko na ulit siyang makita.
The last time I saw her was in the school canteen. She was again with that guy.
Meron pa silang ibang kasama na sa tingin ko ay mga kaibigan nila. Nagkukuwentuhan sila ng mga kalokohan sa malalakas na boses. Nag-aasaran at nagbibiruan. Masaya ang tunog ng mga boses nila at halakhak.
I really thought she was already happy, but the next time I saw her unaccompanied in a jeepney ride, I saw a glimpse of the loneliness I saw before when she was alone...
........................................................................................................................................ CARLYN MARIE TAMAYO. Finally, I got to know her name.
Nakangiti ako nang bitiwan ang listahan ng mga estudyante kung saan siya kabilang.
"Jordan, are you looking for your mom?" tanong sa akin ni Mrs. Normalyn Aguilar, ang head teacher na co-teacher ni mommy. Pumasok siya sa loob ng faculty at nahuli akong naririto.
"Ahm, yes, ma'am," kandalunok na sagot ko. Agad kong binitiwan ang listahan na kanina't hawak ko. Nagmamadali akong lumabas ng faculty habang nagtataka namang nakahabol ng tingin sa akin ang guro.
Nasa labas na ako pero ang mga ngiti ko ay hindi pa rin naglalaho.
...........................................................................................................................................TWO YEARS passed. I was now a graduating senior high student.
My last year in that school yet Carlyn still never noticed me. She didn't have any idea of my stolen glances or longing stares.
I was in Grade 11's building to hand my sister, her project that morning. As I was walking in the corridor, I saw Carlyn walking briskly towards me with a frown on her face. Hindi siya nakatingin sa daan.
I didn't know what came over me but instead of steering clear of her path, I positioned myself right on it. When we finally collided, I just blinked and stood rooted at the spot.
"Tangina, bulag ka ba?!" she shouted at me.
She was peeved and it showed.
"Ano, di ka lang bulag, pipi ka rin?!" singhal niya ulit.
She was angrily throwing words at me while I just watch her. Damn, she was really pretty.
Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganito kalapit, na halos tumalsik na ang laway niya sa aking mukha.
Sinikap kong maging kalmado at malamig. May mga sinasabi siya na sinagot ko lang ng maiiksing salita.
I was still acting cold when I left with my hands in my pocket. When I knew that she could no longer see me, I let loose the smile I was keeping at the whole time.
That was the first time Carlyn talked to me...
........................................................................................................................................... I DROPPED by the faculty room to look for my mom. Ibibigay ko ang nakalimutan niyang powerbank. Sa loob ng faculty ay nakatayo ako nang marinig ang usapan ng ibang teachers sa loob.
Someone mentioned Carlyn's section. Apparently, wala ang dapat na teacher ng section para sa oras na ito. Namalayan ko na lang na kusa nang bumubukas ang aking mga labi. I volunteered to bring the lesson materials to 11-Narra.
Nang una ay nagtaka pa ang mga teachers sa faculty, kasama si Mommy. I explained that I was already finished with my essay for my class at this time so I had nothing left to do. Hindi naman nila ako tinanong pa.
My heart was pounding like crazy while I head over to Carlyn's classroom. Naguguluhan pa rin ako kung bakit ko ito ginagawa, pero hindi ko naman naiisip na umatras.
Pagkarating ay sumilip muna ako sa pinto ng classroom. Dahil sa walang teacher sa period na ito ay parang nakawala ang mga estudyante. May nagbabatuhan ng papel, may grupo na nagkakantahan, meron namang mga busy sa phones, at kung anu-ano pang pinagkakaabalahan.
I put on my poker face first before I enter the classroom. Kinakabog pa rin ang dibdib ko sa kaba, pero sinikap kong maging kalmado at kaswal nang kunin ang atensyon nila. "Good morning, Grade 11-Narra."
Doon nanahimik ang mga estudyante nang makita ako. Higit lalo si Carlyn na nanlaki ang mga mata nang makilala ako—the one she got bumped into this morning.
Our eyes met and I immediately averted my gaze.
Sinabi ko sa buong klase na may iniwang ipinapagawa ang teacher nila. Halos kahalati yata sa mga estudyante ang napaungol dahil sa pagtutol, pero wala ring nagawa kung hindi kopyahin ang idinikit ko sa blackboard nila, lalo pa nang kaswal akong magbanta na titingnan ang mga gawa nila.
I noticed Carlyn not copying. She was trying to sneak using her phone in her seat. My brows furrowed and I walked towards her.
"Excuse me? Are you done copying?"
She was taken by surprise and looked up. Her eyes were welling up, but she put on a brave front. Nangatwiran siya sa akin pero nang kunin ko ang notebook niya ay wala talaga siyang isinulat maski isang pangungusap.
She told me that she was just texting her mom,and that it was important. I snatched her phone away just to read a text from a certain Charles Felix Columna. I was irked.
Hindi ko na naman maintindihan kung bakit pero parang gusto kong magalit kahit walang dahilan at wala akong karapatan. Hindi ko ibinalik pa ang phone niya at inutusan ko siyang kunin ito sa faculty.
Hindi ko inakala na iyon na ang simula ng tuluyang pagkakuha ko sa atensyon niya...
.........................................................................................................................................................CLASS was dismissed and I went outside like usual to wait for Carlyn. Something was off though – I saw her friends leave the school gate, but she was not with them.
Sa tagal ko na siyang inaabangan ay alam ko nang palagi siyang nagmamadaling umuwi. There was also no way for her to stay late without her friends.
Wala rin akong naiisip na pwede niya pang gawin sa loob. Kahit kasali pa siya sa cleaners ay tumatakas siya para lang makauwi ng maaga, kaya nakapagtataka na hanggang ngayon ay wala pa siya.
Nagsimula na akong mag-alala nang tuluyan nang naubos na ang mga estudyanteng lumalabas mula sa gate, yet I still couldn't see her, especially as it was starting to get dark.
I counted up to 100 before going back to the campus to search for her. Hindi ko na natapos ang hanggang isang daang bilang dahil patakbo na agad akong pumasok pabalik sa gate.
Wala na ang mga guwardiya dahil nasa labas na ang mga ito at nagmemeryenda. Wala na ring katao-tao sa loob ng school pagpasok ko.
I headed straight to Grade 11's building. Ang lakas lalo ng kabog ng dibdib ko dahil sa maraming parte ng building ang madilim dahil sa ilang sirang mga ilaw na hindi pa napapalitan. Iginala ko ang aking paningin sa paligid. And not far from the stairways, I saw a group of male students cornering a girl on her knees.
I started sweating bullets as I walked towards them. The guy who seemed to be the leader, was about to grab the girl's shorts to remove it when I saw the girl's face – it was Carlyn!
Just like that, I lost my temper. I hastened towards them and kicked the leader until he let Carlyn go.
Carlyn's eyes filled with tears widened when she saw me. "Jordan..."
For the very first time, I heard Carlyn say my name...
...................................................................................................................................................THE FOLLOWING DAY. I still couldn't forget what happened from last night. Galit na galit ako. Hindi ko akalain na posible akong magalit nang ganoon katindi. Iyon ang unang pagkakataon na nagalit ako nang ganoon. Pakiramdam ko ay makakapatay ako.
Inihatid ko si Carlyn sa kanila para masigurado na talagang ligtas na siya, pero hindi pa rin ako matahimik. I knew I had to do something.
Papunta ako sa canteen nang makitang may pinagtitinginan ang mga tao. Nagtagis ang mga ngipin ko nang makita Carlyn na kaharap ang leader ng mga lalaking bumastos kahapon sa kanya – si Wayne Daniel Chung. Inalam ko na agad kaninang umaga pa lang ang pangalan ng lalaki.
The bastard was saying something to her, "At sino naman? Malamang patapon din 'yang katulad mo!"
"Anong patapon? Gago ka ba? Ang boyfriend ko ay si Jordan Moises Herrera!" sigaw niya na balewala ang presensiya ng lahat ng mga taong nakikinig.
My eyes widened when I heard what Carlyn said to Wayne.
May mainit na damdamin na humaplos sa dibdib ko. Ang mga estudyanteng nakikinig ay nagsimulang magbulungan at nakita ko ang pamumutla ng mukha ni Carlyn sa gitna ng lahat ng ito.
I couldn't take it any longer, so I walked to her and grabbed her hand. Everyone was watching us, even my sister was there, but I didn't care.
Gusto kong ilayo at protektahan si Carlyn mula sa paningin nilang lahat...
..............................................................................I WAS AT IT AGAIN. Kapag absent ang matandang teacher ng 11- Narra sa period na ito ay ako palagi ang nagpi-presinta na pupunta para dalhin ang gagawin ng mga estudyante. Seriously, parang gusto ko nang matawa sa sarili. I still didn't know why I was doing this, but I already had an idea.
When I entered the classroom, the first thing I noticed was Carlyn wasn't in her chair. Nasa dulo siya ngayon katabi iyong lalaking may hikaw sa tainga na nakita ko noon na kasama niya. Hindi ko nagustuhan ang nararamdaman ko sa mga oras na ito.
Nagbubulungan sila. Sumusulyap sa akin si Carlyn at biglang sisimangot. Tatawa naman ang kausap niyang lalaki. It was as if they were making fun of me.
"You." Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili na sitahin siya.
"Ha?" Napaangat ang mukha niya sa akin. Nasa mga mata ang pagtataka.
"Is that really your seat?"
Other students in the room were confused as they took turns looking at us. Pero wala akong pakialam. Mas gusto kong pabalikin si Carlyn sa tamang upuan niya, malayo sa lalaking ngayon ay katabi niya.
"As I remember, that's not your seat."
Namutla ang mukha ni Carlyn habang ang katabi niyang lalaki ay pangisi-ngisi lang na halatang nae-enjoy ang kung ano man ang nangyayari ngayon.
Doon na nagsimula ang pagbangon ng inis ko sa lalaking iyon...
..................................................................................................................................................................I WAS NOW IN MY CLASSROOM. Nakaupo sa upuan at naglalakbay ang isip. I was surprised when I suddenly heard Carlyn's voice from the classroom's door. Ipinapatawag niya ako sa teacher na nasa harapan.
I went out and found out that I had left my phone in their room. She was here to deliver it to me. My forehead furrowed when I accepted the phone. I think there was a mistake. Kakulay man at kapareho ng brand ay natitiyak ko na hindi ko phone ang ibinigay niya sa akin. Bukod sa maraming gasgas ang hawak kong phone ngayon ay malagkit din ito.
Nakalayo na si Carlyn. Hindi niya napansin na napagpalit niya ang phone namin. Phone ko ang dala-dala niya ngayon. Hindi na ako nakapagpaalam sa teacher namin, sinundan ko siya.
My phone suddenly rang and she answered it, thinking that it was her phone. She was stunned when she realized that she made a mistake.
I took my phone from her and I answered the person she was talking to on the other line. "Yes,' my. Sorry about that. "
Carlyn swallowed as she turned pale looking up at me. Mommy ko ang kausap niya sa phone kanina at hindi mommy niya. Napagkamali niya ang dalawa.
[ Jordan, who's that girl? ] my mom's voice on the other line. [ I thought Lou's your girlfriend? ]
"No," malamig na sagot ko kay mommy habang nakatingin kay Carlyn. Nakatingin lang din naman siya sa akin.
My mother continued asking me about Lou. I didn't know why they think that Lou would be my girlfriend. Seriously, I had no interest on that woman.
I could no longer suppress the irritation in my voice as I spoke. "She's not my girlfriend. She will never be."
And I was surprised because after saying those words, a glimpse of pain danced in Carlyn's eyes.
........................................................................................................................................... ISAIAH GIDEON DEL VALLE. That guy Carlyn was always with, I recently learned his name.
Saturday night. There was a battle of bands in Malabon. Carlyn was present to support Isaiah's band. I watched her as she strode. Her skin was shining bright in contrast to the darkness of the night. She looked like a doll in her red short jumper on a black sleeveless top, paired with a red Chucks high cut.
She looked so gorgeous, and all man's eyes were on her. I frowned imagining those eyes ogling at her. Just then, she looked over and caught me frowning.
I guess, I got on her bad side again...
.....................................................................CARLYN was surprised when she saw me on the jeepney ride home that same night. Until now, she was unaware that we had the same route going home. I relish the look on her face as it transitioned from surprised, to annoy, to questioning. She eventually settled with a smile, though.
I whipped out my phone to avoid her knowing stare. I couldn't look straight into her eyes—eyes that seemed to be searching my heart and soul.
Akala ko makakaraos ako sa buong gabing ito nang bigla na lang niyang hilahin ang kamay ko sa kanyang pagbaba. Umalis na ang jeep at naiwan na kaming dalawa.
Carlyn smiled naughtily as she watched me stand there with my mouth agape by the dark road.
And when she started walking, I just found myself following her...
................................................................................................................................................................FOLLOWING HER DIDN'T STOP THERE.
Kahit anong gawin niya, saan man siya pumunta, palagi ko na lang nakikita ang sarili ko na nakasunod sa kanya.
I was always there beside her, clearing her way of scums like Wayne Daniel Chung.
As president of the student council, I have enough connections and influence to have Wayne and his gang kicked out of our school. They were using illegal drugs and it was easy for me to catch them red-handed. Then I just had their bags checked in front of the principal.
........................................................................I WAS ALWAYS just around the corner silently watching Carlyn. Kahit noong napaaway siya, nandoon ako– I was the one who called the tanods to break up the fight...
...and after that, I was the one to tend to her wounds.
.....................................................................MY HEART was beating fast while I looked at Carlyn wearing my shirt. Her school blouse was ruined because of the earlier fight, so I lent her my shirt. My heart warmed up seeing her in it.
Ito rin ang unang beses na nakatungtong siya sa bahay namin, sa kuwarto ko. Bawat hakbang niya, bawat kilos niya ay parang magigiba sa pagkabog ang dibdib ko.
When Carlyn left, I saw one of her bra straps on my bedside table. Maybe she had forgotten about it. Napalunok ako sa isiping bahagi ito ng ikinakabit niya sa kanyang hinaharap.
I was having second thoughts if I was to touch it, but realized I needed to sooner or later, so might as well get over it. I felt my face flushed red as I held her bra strap.
Wala sa sarili na nakatitig lang ako sa isang pirasong strap hanggang sa namalayan ko na lang na pa-ribbon ko na itong ibinubuhol. A smile formed in my lips as I put it in the drawer of my bedside table.
Ah, I would keep this with me since it seemed like Carlyn didn't need it anymore...
.................................................................................................................................................CARLYN AND I started hanging out.
There were some drastic changes in me, but I was happy. I knew I was, despite doing things I never dreamt of doing before.
For the first time in my life as a student, I missed class, I also started going out at night, drink alcohol until I puke my brains out. My grades declined as a result, but I didn't give a damn.
My parents and sister were concerned, but I didn't take heed. My boring days were over, and I felt more alive than I was ever.
Carlyn truly made my boring life exciting by being part of it.
.........................................................................CARLYN AND I had something special, even if we were not putting a label on it. We had an understanding, and I knew she felt the same way as I did. I would not force or rush her into anything, though. I'd wait until she was ready to commit with me.
Everything would have been perfect if only Carlyn's friend, Isaiah was not in the picture.
I wasn't sure of the extent of their closeness, but I was aware that Isaiah was special to Carlyn. And even if it made me sad, I couldn't do anything about it.
I didn't want to put a grip on Carlyn. I didn't want to come across as possessive, even though I really wanted to shield her away from that guy. I just needed to understand their closeness, and everything woul be fine.
But that was too naïve of me. Carlyn and Isaiah ended up in a relationship while I was left there hanging by a thread.
I was in deep shock. I was obsessing over what I may have done or said wrong, and why Carlyn didn't choose me.
After my mind was cleared up, I realized that Carlyn did it for me. That she was just trying to distance herself from me because she thought she was badly influencing me, that she would just bring me down, and that I'd be in constant danger with her. She used Isaiah to drive me away, to make herself look bad in my eyes.
I still didn't give up on her. I still didn't give up even she was still with Isaiah. I patiently waited for her to come back to me.
And when she did, it was pure bliss...
...................................................................................CARLYN WAS FINALLY MINE. I did everything to give her the perfect relationship, to give her the perfect me.
But it still wasn't enough to for her to let Isaiah go. That guy was like a constant wedge between us.
It even came to the point where Carlyn started lying to me.
I wanted to yell, I wanted to reproach her – but I couldn't bring myself to. I was afraid she'd get mad at me. Even after everything, I still respect her choices, her freedom, knowing how much she valued them. I didn't want her to hate me if I would intervene.
"I'll let that slide. Let's forget about it. Just please, don't break up with me," my heart pleaded each time I looked into her eyes.
So long as Carlyn was mine, so long as we were together, I could bear anything, or so I thought. For all the smiles I plastered on my face, I was lying to her, more so to myself – I was not really okay. Resentment had been eating my heart out.
I was too young; I was too naïve. Despite being smart and all, I was so clueless in handling my emotions.
Eventually, immaturity got the best of me. Against my better judgement, I made Carlyn choose between Isaiah and me.
"Choose me over him."
Carlyn's eyes were filled with tears as she looked at me. It killed her to be demanded with this choice, but my mind was too clouded of jealousy to even think about it. Even if I was fully aware of Isaiah's condition, I wouldn't let her go to the hospital.
I could've come and accompany her, but I was stubborn. I forced her to choose. I wanted so much for her to pick me, to hear her say so.
But she didn't.
She chose Isaiah. She left telling me she would be back, but it didn't happen.
I was devastated and I hated the pain. I was consumed with doubt and insecurity.
My sister Jillian saw how a single woman could break her big brother.
It didn't help that our family was facing some issues. Mommy and her sister had a big dispute, and so Daddy was rushing our move to Tagaytay to get away from everything.
Dagdag pa ang mga problema ko sa university dahil sa pagod at pag-aalala ay apektado na ang mga grades ko. Para na akong masisiraan ng bait.
............................................................................WHY WAS SHE HERE?
Carlyn came one afternoon.
Nakalutang ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi ako makapagisip nang tama. Ilang minuto ang nagdaan. Nakayuko pa rin ako. Nakatitig lang ako sa sahig habang tulala.
Bumalik si Jillian sa kuwarto ko. "Kuya, nasa labas si Carlyn. Labasin mo muna siya. Ang tagal niya nang naghihintay sa 'yo."
I was surprised to know that she was still outside. Mahigit twenty minutes na ang lumipas. Tumayo ako at sinuklay ng mga daliri ang aking buhok.
Lumabas ako. Nakita ko si Carlyn na nakangiti. May dalang siyang kahon ng cake.
"Jordan!" Tinakbo niya agad ang pagitan namin. Nasa mga mata niya ang pananabik na tila ba walang nangyari.
I frowned because why was she acting like this?
Bakit parang walang nangyari? Bakit parang hindi niya ako nasaktan? Kinumusta niya ako pero hindi ko maramdaman.
"Why are you here?" malamig na tanong ko sa kanya.
She tried explaining but my mind was too tired to process what she was saying.
Nagsimulang magluha ang mga mata niya nang ako naman ang magsalita. Lahat ng sakit na akala ko ay makakalimutan ko rin ay naipon lang pala sa dibdib ko, at ang mga ito ngayon ang isa-isang kumawala.
Ang matinding selos ko kay Isaiah, ang kawalan ko ng tiwala sa pagkakaibigan nila, ang mga kagustuhan ko na sana akin lang siya at wala akong kahating iba, at ang insecurities ko na patong-patong na dahil never ko pang narinig sa kanya na mahal niya ako. Lahat isinumbat ko.
Pagod na ako. Alam ko rin na pagod na siya dahil hindi ko kayang maging perpekto. Akala ko kaya kong maging okay at tanggapin ang lahat basta makasama lang siya, pero hindi pala. Hindi ko pala kaya. Tao pa rin pala ako. Nasasaktan at napapagod.
"My patience ends here, I'm sorry." Tumalikod na ako dahil alam ko na hindi ko talaga kakayanin na makita ang malungkot na mga mata niya.
............................................................................................ILANG ARAW NA.
Ilang araw na pero ganoon pa rin ang tensiyon sa bahay namin. It was Jillian's graduation night, and I knew I would see Carlyn there. I was unsure if I had the right to even steal a glance at her, but I missed her – I was dying to see her.
Despite of everything, I wanted to see her. Hindi ko siya kayang tiisin. Kahit ang gulo-gulo pa, gusto ko pa rin siyang makita kahit sandali lang sana.
Sumama ako sa school. Ang balak ko ay tatanaw lang ako at hindi magtatangkang lumapit. Dahil baka kapag lumapit ako ay hindi ko na mapigilan pa ang aking sarili na abutin siya.
The ceremony was about to start but there was no sign of Carlyn. Pati ang kapatid kong si Jillian ay hindi ko makita. Bigla na lang ito kaninang nawala.
Mommy asked me to look for Jillian. Umalis muna ako para maglibot sa campus. May isang nagturo sa akin na nasa likod daw ng Grade 7's building ang kapatid ko. I was worried for her knowing how dark that place was.
Lalo pa akong nag-alala nang malamang nakikipag-away daw si Jillian. Hindi ako makapaniwala dahil hindi ugali ng kapatid ko ang makipag-away. Ni pumatay nga ng lamok ay hindi nito magagawa.
I rushed over to the Grade 7's building but was stopped in my tracks when I saw the person Jillian was fighting with – Carlyn.
Parehong gusot ang mga buhok nila, parehong humihingal, at parehong nagliliyab ang mga mata. May umawat na sa kanila pero nagwawala pa rin si Jillian at gusto pang sugurin si Carlyn.
"Niloloko mo ang kuya ko!"
I was able to comprehend what Jillian was saying. The gist was she saw Carlyn and Isaiah kissing yesterday.
"Jillian," I called out my sister's name, effectively stopping her from saying more. Ayaw ko nang marinig.
Carlyn's eyes widened in surprise when she saw me. I didn't dare meet her gaze.
Reality slapped me hard as it dawned on me what I really was to her. It was hard to swallow, and the pain was torture. It took all of me to stand my ground and not crumble.
Then and there, I finally gave up, fully aware that I already lost. At least, in doing so, Carlyn would no longer be torn between me and Isaiah.
"Dating you was a mistake, Carlyn."
It's alright, Carlyn. I'm okay.
You don't need to worry about me anymore; you no longer need to. I'm letting you go. You're free now.
Free to do whatever you want; free to be with the person you really want to be with...
I turned away and left while Carlyn was calling out to me. She was screaming my name, but I didn't look back.
Ayaw ko na siyang mapagod sa pagsisinungaling sa sarili niya. Ayaw ko na siyang hawakan pa dahil alam ko nang ang tunay niyang nararamdaman. I had given up on my happiness and just wanted her to be truly happy.
I was hunched over for the duration of the graduation ceremony, trying my best not to glance at Carlyn. Even when her name was called and she took the stage, I dared not look up.
When the event ended, I headed straight to our parked car and leaned on it. I waited for my family so we could go home. The crowd was getting thin as everyone left the venue.
I was surprised to see Carlyn approaching me. "Jordan."
The sight of her caused me great sorrow.
She stepped closer.
No, please, don't do that.
She took another step.
Stop.
I said stop.
Don't go near me.
Just a little more and I may not be able to hold back. If I reach out and touch you, I'll give in. I won't be able to let you go...
"Paano na ako?" she asked crying.
Tears were streaming down her face, and it was too painful to see. But it was really over between us.
You will be fine...
And I will not...
......................................................................................................ILANG GABI na binabagabag ako ng luha niya. Hindi ako kumakain. Hindi ako lumalabas ng kwarto. Maski pumunta sa school para umasikaso ng mga requirements ay hindi ko magawa.
Bumukas ang kuwarto ko at mula roon ay pumasok ang kapatid kong si Jillian. Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko at niyakap ako.
Sumubsob ako sa leeg niya at doon pinakawalan ang mga luha. "Jill, ang sakit..."
She did not say a word. Wala akong narinig na tanong o sumbat mula sa kanya. Umiiyak lang din siya habang dinadamayan ako at hinahagod ang likod ko.
"Ang sakit-sakit, Jill..." iyak ko hanggang sa pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong iluluha.
Sa buong pagkakataon na lugmok ako, hindi umalis ang kapatid ko sa tabi ko...
..........................................................................................................................................MAGDAMAG AKONG TULALA. Madaling araw na ngayon pero hindi pa rin ako makatulog. I wanted to see Carlyn. Hindi ko naman siya guguluhin, gusto ko lang talaga siyang makita. Kahit sulyap lang. Kahit dulo lang ng buhok niya ang makita ko, ayos lang.
Lumabas ako ng sala at nagulat nang biglang bumukas ang pinto at pumasok ang kapatid kong si Jillian. Nagulat ako nang malamang lumabas siya ng bahay. She was grounded but she escaped? And why did she come home so late?
Nagkagulatan kami. Iba ang suot niyang damit, shirt na panlalaki. Hindi ko kilala ang damit. I also noticed that her hair was messy. In the light from the kitchen I saw that she had a bruise on her forehead.
Nahuli ko ang pagkislap ng liwanag mula sa labas ng bintana ng sala. Agad akong sumilip at mula roon ay natanaw ko ang isang motor sa katapat naming kalsada. Ang nakasakay roon ay isang lalaking nakasuot lang ng jeans pero walang pang-itaas. Hindi ko nakita ang mukha dahil may suot itong helmet
Lalabasin ko sana ito nang yakapin ako ni Jillian sa bewang.
Before I could think straight, Jillian suddenly fainted. To my shock, her unconscious body fell into my arms.
..........................................................................................................................................MALALA ANG PROBLEMA KAY JILLIAN. We discovered that her body was full of bruises. We tried asking her who hurt her but she wouldn't say a word. She also didn't want us to take her to the hospital.
Tulala lang si Jillian. Iyak nang iyak at nagkukulong sa kuwarto. Dumating ang pinsan naming si Harry nang malaman ang nangyari sa kanya. Gusto siyang kumustahin, pero hindi niya ito hinarap man lang.
..........................................................................................................................................MY MOM fell into depression. I had a talk with my dad where he asked me to stay strong for our family, as I was the only one left for him to rely on. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was already broken into pieces.
Sa kalagitnaan ng problema sa pamilya ay hindi ko natiis na hindi puntahan si Carlyn. Okay na sa akin magalit siya at itaboy niya ako, basta makita ko lang sana siya kahit sandali lang. Baka lang kahit paano umayos ang takbo ng isip ko, baka kahit paano maibsan ang sakit ng puso ko.
Kaso sa ilang punta ko sa kanila ay wala siya. Walang tao sa bahay nila. Wala ring alam ang mga kapitbahay nila kung nasaan sila.
Hindi sumasagot si Tita Clara sa mga tawag ko. I wanted to contact Carlyn directly, but I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't have the courage to talk to her. I was even afraid to hear her voice.
................................................................................................................................................LUMIPAS ANG MGA LINGGO. Lumala pa ang problema sa pamilya ko. Nakatakda na kaming lumipat sa Tagaytay. Nagulat ako nang dumating ang kaklase kong si Nat. Nagtanong-tanong daw siya kung saan ako nakatira. Nabalitaan daw niya kasi na lilipat kami kaya gusto niyang tumulong sa pagliligpit.
Parang huminto ang paligid nang paglabas ko ng kuwarto ay makita ko si Carlyn sa pinto ng sala namin. I didn't expect her to come, lalo sa araw din na ito. She saw Nat. May nakita akong galit sa mga mata niya na ikinagulat ko.
Was it really jealousy? Hindi ako makapaniwala.
Tumalikod si Carlyn at kahit naduduwag ay humabol ako sa kanya. Nagbitiw siya ng mga salita na parang asido na sumusugat sa puso ko. Nakatulala lang ako at hindi makapagsalita. Sa buong pagkakataong ito, nasasaktan ako pero mas masakit na isiping nasasaktan din siya. Matapos kong ma-realized ang lahat ay para akong naparalisado.
Ang gago ko. Ang gago ko dahil ako iyong nangako na poprotekta sa kanya pero ako pa iyong nanakit sa kanya.
Deserve kong iwan. Deserve kong mabasag.
Napayuko ako sa gutter ng kalsada. Parang kulang na lang ay ikamatay ko na ang sakit na nararamdaman.
Lumapit si Jillian sa akin. "You can follow her, you know..."
Lumapit na rin si Nat. "Jill, what's happening to Jordan? And who's that girl he was talking to earlier?"
"Nat, umuwi ka muna," utos ni Jillian kay Nat.
"No, Jill. I'll stay."
Nat truly stayed pero hindi ko siya ramdam.
Nagkalagnat ako noong gabi siguro dahil naulanan.
Nang gumaling ay walang nakapigil sa akin, pumunta agad ako sa Navarro, si Tito Luis na lang ang naabutan ko. Wala na raw si Carlyn. She was now in Singapore. She went there with her older half-sister.
I found out what happened to her; that she had been hospitalized and that her biological father had died.
I also found out how stupid I was.
Na mahal niya ako...
Totoong mahal niya ako.
Sinaktan ko siya habang mahal niya ako...
I wasn't with her during the times when she needed me the most. And now she had left the country. She was no longer here. She had left with a broken heart...
I fucking broke her heart.
Nanghihinang napaluhod ako sa sahig habang walang tigil sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko.
"Tito, mahal ko si Carlyn..."
Nilapitan ako ni Tito Luis. "I know, young man."
"Anong gagawin ko? Ayaw niya na akong makita. Galit siya sa akin..."
"Even if Carlyn didn't say anything, me and her mom knows that you're one of the reasons she left. Wala kaming idea sa naging problema niyong dalawa, pero isa ang tiyak namin, pareho kayong hindi buo sa mga oras na ito."
Tito Luis was right. That was one of the reasons I was afraid to face Carlyn. Hindi ko sigurado kung makakaya kong pangatawanan siya sa pagkakataong ito na hindi ako buo.
"Mga bata pa kayo. Masarap ma-in love sa ganyang edad, pero masakit din masaktan sa ganyang edad. Parehong magugulo pa ang mga utak at puso niyo. Bakit hindi niyo gamitin ang panahon na magkalayo kayo para matiyak ang mga damdamin niyo? Kilalanin niyo ang mga sarili niyo."
Tinapik ni Tito Luis ang balikat ko.
"Sa ngayon, pamilya mo muna ang intindihin mo. Magtapos ka ng pag-aaral para sa magulang mo."
Napayuko ako nang maisip sina mommy at daddy. Sa ngayon ay sobrang lugmok sila. Ako na lang ang inaasahan nila.
Isang malumanay na boses ang nagsalita mula sa pinto. "Jordan."
Si Tita Clara. Malungkot na nakangiti siya sa akin. Sa ekspresyon niya ay alam kong narinig niya lahat.
"Hindi pa oras. Masyado pang bata para magmahal. Kapag dumating ang panahon na parehong financially and emotionally stable ka na, doon ka pa lang may karapatang magmahal."
"I'm sorry, Tita..."
"Sa ngayon, alagaan mo muna sa puso mo ang pagmamahal sa anak ko. Pwede ba iyon?" May inabot siya sa aking maliit na papel.
Pumatak ang mga luha ko. "Tita..."
Ngumiti siya. "That's my daughter's address in Singapore."
..........................................................................................................................................................I MISSED HER. I couldn't take it any longer, so I saved up and followed her in Singapore after a year. When I finally located her, I just watched her from afar.
Blangko ang mga tingin niya habang naglalakad sa kalsada.
Carlyn, look at me.
Just one look. Kung titingin siya, hindi na ako makakapagpigil, lalapitan ko na siya. Kahit itulak niya pa ako, yayakapin ko siya.
But her blank and emotionless eyes never looked my way...
................................................................................I TALKED TO TITA CLARA. Alam niya ang bawat alis ko tuwing sembreak at holidays. Alam niya lahat dahil sinasabi ko sa kanya.
"Hello, Jordan? Nakausap ko ang ate niya. Hindi na raw sumi-sipot sa mga appointment sa doktor si Carlyn, pero continuous naman ang pagti-take niya sa mga gamot."
"Thanks, Tita." I thanked her for informing me.
"Go home for now. Malapit na ang exams mo. You need to prepare and review."
"Yeah. I'm leaving the next day."
"Alright. Thanks for looking over her while you're there."
Once the call ended, I received a text from Ate Jade, Carlyn's older sister. May number na ako ng babae dahil mahigit isang taon na rin kaming may communication na lingid sa kaalaman ni Carlyn.
She informed me of Carlyn's new sideline – she was now accepting modeling jobs. Nilista ko ang pangalan ng kompanya pa i-check ito. Pagkatapos ay pumasok ako sa 5-star hotel kung saan pumapasok din na singer si Carlyn sa isa mga fine dining resto dito.
After hearing her voice from afar, I would finally be happy to return to the Philippines with the memories.
................................................................................................................................................YEARS PASSED. I've already graduated and passed the board exam. I just came back from Spain where I visited the firm of my architect grandfather. I received a call from Tita Clara telling me that Carlyn was coming back to the Philippines.
Kinakabahan ako pero gusto ko nang makita ang reaksyon ni Carlyn sa muling pagkikita namin.
I tried my hardest to keep my calm and cool composure, but deep inside, my heart was beating wildly.
I tricked her a little because I wanted to confirm something.
Masaya akong malaman na may natira pa rin, na meron pa rin. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kaliit o kaunti, pero sapat na iyon para sa akin.
I knew she was mad at me and she might not want to forgive me, but I would not give up. Even if she would tell me to get lost, I would still stay.
...Because I was now tired of loving her from afar.
.................................................................................I STAYED. I didn't leave their house even if there was no reason not to. I wanted to be with her.
Kahit mukha na akong tanga, nandito pa rin ako. Kahit kulang na lang ay tadyakan niya ako, bumabalik at bumabalik pa rin ako.
Man, I truly took the 'never give up' saying to the next level.
Carlyn still would not accept me wholly, but I was glad that she, at least, was open to my advances.
Kaunti pa... Kaya ko pa... Wala naman akong balak sumuko sa kanya...
.........................................................................HER DEPRESSION.
I knew Carlyn experienced panic attacks and that she'd been through depression. But it didn't prepare me to witness it firsthand. It was like I was stabbed in the heart when I watched her cry in my arms.
The pain just got worse when I learned that she attempted suicide. It really shocked me to the core. Parang sabay na namanhid ang utak at puso ko.
Ate Jade didn't tell me about that. Even Tita Clara was oblivious.
That's the only information Ate Jade didn't share with us. She couldn't bring herself to. So that was why there was always a feeling that something was off because she was keeping it from me.
..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................THEN I SAW THE SCARS on Carlyn's wrists, and the blade in my heart pierced through it.
Right there and then, I became paranoid. Whenever I see Carlyn, I had this sinking feeling that she might disappear, that I might lose her anytime.
Gusto ko na lang siyang itali sa akin, gusto ko na lang siyang minu-minutong bantayan, gusto kong siyang alagaan at paulit-ulit na ipaalala sa kanya kung gaano siya kahalaga.
.........................................................I DID EVERYTHING TO BE WITH HER ALWAYS.
All I wanted was to see her happy, even if it would happen gradually, even if it was a slow process. Her happiness was what was important to me.
God heard my prayers. Carlyn's pursed lips were now showing hints of smiles while I saw a glimpse of brightness in her dead eyes.
Go, my sweet. Take your time. I am here for you. I will always be here for you...
................................................................................................................ "WHEN THINGS GOT WORSE, DRINK RED HORSE!"
I got drunk with Isaiah. Again.
Sinong mag-aakala na ang dating pinagseselosan ko ay ngayo'y pinapayuhan ako ng kung anu-ano.
The guy was really cool. Okay naman siya, mabait, maloko lang pero nakikita ko ang pagiging responsable at matino niyang tao. Marami akong nalaman at natutunan sa kanya.
Dinuro niya ako habang namumungay ang kanyang mga mata. "Kahit sampu pa ang puso ni Carlyn, lahat iyon sa 'yo."
Napangiti ako.
I realized how really immature I was back then. I've always known the truth, but it was better to hear it from Isaiah.
"Thanks, Isaiah."
"NP."
Tumungga ako sa tagay niya.
Carlyn loves me. She truly loves me...
Then and now...
.........................................................................FINALLY, SHE GAVE IN.
Carlyn agreed to marry me. "I love you, Jordan Moises Herrera. Be prepared to hear me saying how much I love you for the rest of our lives."
Oh, that wouldn't be a problem for I'd always been ready.
I couldn't stop my tears from falling, tears brought forth from the extreme joy that I was feeling then. Iniisip ko kung may isasaya pa ba ako nang higit pa ngayon sa nararanasan ko?
...................................................................................PRESENT DAY
Katapusan...
I looked over the stuffs Carlyn was putting away. Nasa kuwarto ko kami ngayon. Pansamantala rito habang hindi pa buo ang ipon ko na pampagawa ng sarili naming bahay. Siya na rin ang gustong dito muna kami dahil isa yata sa pinaglihian niya ang kapatid kong si Jillian.
Matapos niyang iligpit ang mga kahon ko sa closet ay humarap siya sa akin. May ibinato siya sa aking kung ano. I smiled when I saw the strap of her bra, iyong ini-ribbon ko noon, the one she left in my room during our high school days. She had been teasing me since she saw what I did with it and wouldn't let me hear the end of it.
"Naughty daddy!" sigaw niya sa akin.
Her red lips were grinning, and her eyes were twinkling with life.
I embraced her as I looked at her smiling lovely face. Malaki na ang ipinagbago niya. Tuloy pa rin ang gamutan niya, tuwing wala akong trabaho ay sinasamahan ko siya.
Madalas na rin kaming mag-usap na dalawa. Open na siya sa akin at lahat ng bagay ay ikinukwento niya na. Kahit ang malilit lang na pangyayari katulad nang pagluhod ni Isaiah sa kalsada, paglilihi ni Sussie sa ketchup at mangga, pagpapalayas ni Zandra sa asawa nitong si Miko, at ang pagtatangka ng kaibigan nilang seaman na uminom ng muriatic acid sa barko dahil broken daw ito.
We were now closer than before and our relationship was getting stronger each day.
May mga pagkakataon pa rin naman na naiinis at naiirita siya sa akin, na dumarating sa punto na ayaw niya akong makita, na madalang mangyari. Gayunpaman, mabilis niya na akong napapatawad o kaya ay siya na mismo ang humihingi ng sorry at nakikipagbati. Hindi niya ako natitiis.
"Mahal mo pa rin ba ako kahit mukha na akong butete?" nakalabing tanong niya habang nakayakap sa leeg ko. Bumubunggo sa akin ang tiyan niya na ngayon ay 7 months na.
Masuyong hinalikan ko siya sa noo. "Mas mahal pa kita ngayon."
Nangislap ang luha sa mga mata niya. "What did I do to deserve someone like you?"
"Because you're a good person that's why you deserve a loving and gorgeous husband like me."
Ngumiti na naman siya. Ngiti na puno ng saya at pagmamahal. "Yumayabang ka na, Architect."
I grinned as I touched her baby bump. "Marami na kasi akong ipagyayabang."
Yumakap siya sa akin at sumiksik sa ilalim ng leeg ko. "Mahal kita ngayon."
"And later?"
"Mahal pa rin."
"How about tomorrow?"
"Mahal pa rin." Tumingala siya sa akin. "Mahal kita ng matagal hanggang sa hindi na ako marunong tumingin ng oras at petsa, kahit na dumating ang araw na malabo na ang mga mata ko, kahit hindi na ako makalakad kasi matanda na ako, kahit ulyanin na ako, maaalala ko pa ring mahal kita, Jordan Moises Herrera."
Hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa dahil habang tumatagal, kumo-corny siya. But she was so cute. Kaya lang malaki na talaga ang tiyan niya, hindi ko tuloy alam kung pwede pa.
Napangiwi ako nang kurutin niya ako sa bewang. "Hoy! Kakaiba ka kiligin, tinutubuan ka ng tent!"
Ang lakas ng tawa ko nang irapan niya ako at talikuran. Padabog na iniwan niya ako at tinungo ang kama.
"Hey, I thought you love me!" habol ko sa kanya.
"Hindi muna kita mahal ngayon!"
Nang lumingon siya ay nakangiti siyang kumindat sa akin. Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib dahil muntik ko nang hindi kayanin.
... Ah, I really love this woman, my wife, the mother of my child.
I love her so much that I am willing to go on the battlefield for her.
Many things can still happen and she may be sad and hurt again, but one thing is for sure... I will never give up on her. I will always be beside her through good and bad times.
I am Jordan Moises Herrera and this is my journey of love.
From the day I got married with my wife, I promised to only live for her happiness. For her happiness is my happiness, too.
I will shield her heart from all the pain, I will be her strength whenever she's feeling weak, and when she gets lonely, I will love her more.
For I am Carlyn Marie Tamayo-Herrera's wonderwall.
- Heartbreaker, South Boys #2
JF
South Boys#3: Serial Charmer is now available in my account. I hope to see you there too! Thankyou and Iloveyouuu =) FB Group: JF Society and South Boys by Jamille Fumah
I was already familiar with General Trias, Cavite a year after moving from Manila. This is where my mother hails from and where all her relatives reside. We lived in the house my parents bought in a newly-constructed subdivision.
Both of my parents were teachers. Mommy worked in the public school where Jillian, my younger sister, and I were studying. I was in 9th grade while my sister was in 8th.
Nasa Navarro na ang jeep na sinasakyan ko nang may sumakay na isang babaeng estudyante. Kapareho ng uniform na pangbabae sa school ko kaya natiyak ko na schoolmate ko ito. The girl seemed like she was also late. She took the seat in front of me, and I unconsciously stared at her.
I didn't know what came over me, but I just couldn't take my eyes off her. Maganda siya pero ang lungkot ng mga mata niya.
We got off in Malabon and took the same tricycle. When we arrived at school, she left hurriedly, but was called after by the driver and reminded her of her fare. I remembered then that I did not see her pay for the jeepney ride as well.
Tulala kasi siya palagi. Parang ang lalim ng iniisip niya kaya siguro nakalimot na siyang magbayad ng pamasahe. I didn't think more of it and thought that would be the last time I see her.
Thought wrong as I frequently encountered her during my commutes. I always stole a glance at her, but she never noticed as she was always deep in thought. She was so young, but seemed like she already carrying a lot of burdens in life.
......................................................................ARAW-ARAW. Halos ganoon kadalas ko na siyang nakakasabay. I'd become used to staring at her and it had become a ritual of sorts.
...................................................................I STILL DID NOT KNOW THE GIRL'S NAME. I never dared to ask, thinking just looking at her was good enough.
.............................................................................................................................................................AS TIME PASSED BY, the girl's demeanor changed. What was once a sad young girl had now a fierce aura surrounding her. I quietly witnessed the transition and marveled at it.
The girl started using lip tint on her naturally red lips. May pagkakataon na pumasok siya na merong highlights ang kanyang buhok na mahigpit na ipinagbabawal sa mga estudyante. As a result, our school guard didn't let her in the, but she didn't seem to care.
"Tangina, ayaw ako papasukin, e di 'wag!" sigaw niya at tumambay na lang sa labas.
Kinailangan ko pang kausapin ang guard para mawala ang atensyon nito sa kanya. Dahil doon ay nakapuslit siya papasok.
I was silently hoping that she would notice me, but sadly, that didn't happen...
........................................................................................................................................................ISANG BESES. Kasabay ko na naman siya sa jeepney. Magkaharap na naman kami pero katulad ng palagi, wala siyang pakialam sa paligid. She was busy on putting make up on her face. I stopped the urge to tell her she was already beautiful without it. Of course, I didn't want her to think that I was a creep.
Nahulog sa sahig ng jeepney ang lip tint niya. Maagap na pinulot ko iyon at iniabot sa kanya.
Please, look at me...
I wished that she would look at me this time. I waited for her to give me at least a glance, but she never did.
"Thanks," maiksing pasasalamat niya lang at muli nang ipinagpatuloy ang pagme-make up.
Until we got off the jeepney, she didn't even bother to look my way...
......................................................................................................................................................................................................THE NEXT DAY, my younger sister, Jillian made me a Facebook account. I uploaded a photo from Google; a female lion. May nakasulat dito na: "Lioness, filled with beauty and rage" I made it as my account's cover photo.
Jillian asked me why I chose that photo, and I just smiled at her.
...................................................................................................................................................................UWIAN. I was standing by the store at the corner of the street as I was waiting for her, knowing she would be headed home around this time. Nang makita ko siyang palapit ay sandali akong natigilan dahil may kasama siyang lalaki.
For the first time, she was with a guy. Masaya silang nagkukuwentuhan habang naglalakad.
Unconsciously, I studied the guy. He was tall and handsome. He had a silver earring on his left ear. He wore a black shirt instead of our school's white polo. He did not carry any bag, but he had a notebook folded in his slack's back pocket. He was wearing sneakers instead of black shoes.
Hindi ko napigilan ang ang pagkawala ng isang tanong sa aking isipan. Is this the type of guy she likes?
Mula noon ay madalas na silang sabay na umuuwi. Nang sumunod ay nagkaroon na ng motor ang lalaki. They rode on it without helmets and drove it very fast. I was always worried for her safety while I was silently cursing at the guy.
Naging bihira na rin mula noon na makasabay ko siya sa pagko-commute dahil palagi nang may naghahatid sa kanya. Bihira ko na ulit siyang makita.
The last time I saw her was in the school canteen. She was again with that guy.
Meron pa silang ibang kasama na sa tingin ko ay mga kaibigan nila. Nagkukuwentuhan sila ng mga kalokohan sa malalakas na boses. Nag-aasaran at nagbibiruan. Masaya ang tunog ng mga boses nila at halakhak.
I really thought she was already happy, but the next time I saw her unaccompanied in a jeepney ride, I saw a glimpse of the loneliness I saw before when she was alone...
........................................................................................................................................ CARLYN MARIE TAMAYO. Finally, I got to know her name.
Nakangiti ako nang bitiwan ang listahan ng mga estudyante kung saan siya kabilang.
"Jordan, are you looking for your mom?" tanong sa akin ni Mrs. Normalyn Aguilar, ang head teacher na co-teacher ni mommy. Pumasok siya sa loob ng faculty at nahuli akong naririto.
"Ahm, yes, ma'am," kandalunok na sagot ko. Agad kong binitiwan ang listahan na kanina't hawak ko. Nagmamadali akong lumabas ng faculty habang nagtataka namang nakahabol ng tingin sa akin ang guro.
Nasa labas na ako pero ang mga ngiti ko ay hindi pa rin naglalaho.
...........................................................................................................................................TWO YEARS passed. I was now a graduating senior high student.
My last year in that school yet Carlyn still never noticed me. She didn't have any idea of my stolen glances or longing stares.
I was in Grade 11's building to hand my sister, her project that morning. As I was walking in the corridor, I saw Carlyn walking briskly towards me with a frown on her face. Hindi siya nakatingin sa daan.
I didn't know what came over me but instead of steering clear of her path, I positioned myself right on it. When we finally collided, I just blinked and stood rooted at the spot.
"Tangina, bulag ka ba?!" she shouted at me.
She was peeved and it showed.
"Ano, di ka lang bulag, pipi ka rin?!" singhal niya ulit.
She was angrily throwing words at me while I just watch her. Damn, she was really pretty.
Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganito kalapit, na halos tumalsik na ang laway niya sa aking mukha.
Sinikap kong maging kalmado at malamig. May mga sinasabi siya na sinagot ko lang ng maiiksing salita.
I was still acting cold when I left with my hands in my pocket. When I knew that she could no longer see me, I let loose the smile I was keeping at the whole time.
That was the first time Carlyn talked to me...
........................................................................................................................................... I DROPPED by the faculty room to look for my mom. Ibibigay ko ang nakalimutan niyang powerbank. Sa loob ng faculty ay nakatayo ako nang marinig ang usapan ng ibang teachers sa loob.
Someone mentioned Carlyn's section. Apparently, wala ang dapat na teacher ng section para sa oras na ito. Namalayan ko na lang na kusa nang bumubukas ang aking mga labi. I volunteered to bring the lesson materials to 11-Narra.
Nang una ay nagtaka pa ang mga teachers sa faculty, kasama si Mommy. I explained that I was already finished with my essay for my class at this time so I had nothing left to do. Hindi naman nila ako tinanong pa.
My heart was pounding like crazy while I head over to Carlyn's classroom. Naguguluhan pa rin ako kung bakit ko ito ginagawa, pero hindi ko naman naiisip na umatras.
Pagkarating ay sumilip muna ako sa pinto ng classroom. Dahil sa walang teacher sa period na ito ay parang nakawala ang mga estudyante. May nagbabatuhan ng papel, may grupo na nagkakantahan, meron namang mga busy sa phones, at kung anu-ano pang pinagkakaabalahan.
I put on my poker face first before I enter the classroom. Kinakabog pa rin ang dibdib ko sa kaba, pero sinikap kong maging kalmado at kaswal nang kunin ang atensyon nila. "Good morning, Grade 11-Narra."
Doon nanahimik ang mga estudyante nang makita ako. Higit lalo si Carlyn na nanlaki ang mga mata nang makilala ako—the one she got bumped into this morning.
Our eyes met and I immediately averted my gaze.
Sinabi ko sa buong klase na may iniwang ipinapagawa ang teacher nila. Halos kahalati yata sa mga estudyante ang napaungol dahil sa pagtutol, pero wala ring nagawa kung hindi kopyahin ang idinikit ko sa blackboard nila, lalo pa nang kaswal akong magbanta na titingnan ang mga gawa nila.
I noticed Carlyn not copying. She was trying to sneak using her phone in her seat. My brows furrowed and I walked towards her.
"Excuse me? Are you done copying?"
She was taken by surprise and looked up. Her eyes were welling up, but she put on a brave front. Nangatwiran siya sa akin pero nang kunin ko ang notebook niya ay wala talaga siyang isinulat maski isang pangungusap.
She told me that she was just texting her mom,and that it was important. I snatched her phone away just to read a text from a certain Charles Felix Columna. I was irked.
Hindi ko na naman maintindihan kung bakit pero parang gusto kong magalit kahit walang dahilan at wala akong karapatan. Hindi ko ibinalik pa ang phone niya at inutusan ko siyang kunin ito sa faculty.
Hindi ko inakala na iyon na ang simula ng tuluyang pagkakuha ko sa atensyon niya...
.........................................................................................................................................................CLASS was dismissed and I went outside like usual to wait for Carlyn. Something was off though – I saw her friends leave the school gate, but she was not with them.
Sa tagal ko na siyang inaabangan ay alam ko nang palagi siyang nagmamadaling umuwi. There was also no way for her to stay late without her friends.
Wala rin akong naiisip na pwede niya pang gawin sa loob. Kahit kasali pa siya sa cleaners ay tumatakas siya para lang makauwi ng maaga, kaya nakapagtataka na hanggang ngayon ay wala pa siya.
Nagsimula na akong mag-alala nang tuluyan nang naubos na ang mga estudyanteng lumalabas mula sa gate, yet I still couldn't see her, especially as it was starting to get dark.
I counted up to 100 before going back to the campus to search for her. Hindi ko na natapos ang hanggang isang daang bilang dahil patakbo na agad akong pumasok pabalik sa gate.
Wala na ang mga guwardiya dahil nasa labas na ang mga ito at nagmemeryenda. Wala na ring katao-tao sa loob ng school pagpasok ko.
I headed straight to Grade 11's building. Ang lakas lalo ng kabog ng dibdib ko dahil sa maraming parte ng building ang madilim dahil sa ilang sirang mga ilaw na hindi pa napapalitan. Iginala ko ang aking paningin sa paligid. And not far from the stairways, I saw a group of male students cornering a girl on her knees.
I started sweating bullets as I walked towards them. The guy who seemed to be the leader, was about to grab the girl's shorts to remove it when I saw the girl's face – it was Carlyn!
Just like that, I lost my temper. I hastened towards them and kicked the leader until he let Carlyn go.
Carlyn's eyes filled with tears widened when she saw me. "Jordan..."
For the very first time, I heard Carlyn say my name...
...................................................................................................................................................THE FOLLOWING DAY. I still couldn't forget what happened from last night. Galit na galit ako. Hindi ko akalain na posible akong magalit nang ganoon katindi. Iyon ang unang pagkakataon na nagalit ako nang ganoon. Pakiramdam ko ay makakapatay ako.
Inihatid ko si Carlyn sa kanila para masigurado na talagang ligtas na siya, pero hindi pa rin ako matahimik. I knew I had to do something.
Papunta ako sa canteen nang makitang may pinagtitinginan ang mga tao. Nagtagis ang mga ngipin ko nang makita Carlyn na kaharap ang leader ng mga lalaking bumastos kahapon sa kanya – si Wayne Daniel Chung. Inalam ko na agad kaninang umaga pa lang ang pangalan ng lalaki.
The bastard was saying something to her, "At sino naman? Malamang patapon din 'yang katulad mo!"
"Anong patapon? Gago ka ba? Ang boyfriend ko ay si Jordan Moises Herrera!" sigaw niya na balewala ang presensiya ng lahat ng mga taong nakikinig.
My eyes widened when I heard what Carlyn said to Wayne.
May mainit na damdamin na humaplos sa dibdib ko. Ang mga estudyanteng nakikinig ay nagsimulang magbulungan at nakita ko ang pamumutla ng mukha ni Carlyn sa gitna ng lahat ng ito.
I couldn't take it any longer, so I walked to her and grabbed her hand. Everyone was watching us, even my sister was there, but I didn't care.
Gusto kong ilayo at protektahan si Carlyn mula sa paningin nilang lahat...
..............................................................................I WAS AT IT AGAIN. Kapag absent ang matandang teacher ng 11- Narra sa period na ito ay ako palagi ang nagpi-presinta na pupunta para dalhin ang gagawin ng mga estudyante. Seriously, parang gusto ko nang matawa sa sarili. I still didn't know why I was doing this, but I already had an idea.
When I entered the classroom, the first thing I noticed was Carlyn wasn't in her chair. Nasa dulo siya ngayon katabi iyong lalaking may hikaw sa tainga na nakita ko noon na kasama niya. Hindi ko nagustuhan ang nararamdaman ko sa mga oras na ito.
Nagbubulungan sila. Sumusulyap sa akin si Carlyn at biglang sisimangot. Tatawa naman ang kausap niyang lalaki. It was as if they were making fun of me.
"You." Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili na sitahin siya.
"Ha?" Napaangat ang mukha niya sa akin. Nasa mga mata ang pagtataka.
"Is that really your seat?"
Other students in the room were confused as they took turns looking at us. Pero wala akong pakialam. Mas gusto kong pabalikin si Carlyn sa tamang upuan niya, malayo sa lalaking ngayon ay katabi niya.
"As I remember, that's not your seat."
Namutla ang mukha ni Carlyn habang ang katabi niyang lalaki ay pangisi-ngisi lang na halatang nae-enjoy ang kung ano man ang nangyayari ngayon.
Doon na nagsimula ang pagbangon ng inis ko sa lalaking iyon...
..................................................................................................................................................................I WAS NOW IN MY CLASSROOM. Nakaupo sa upuan at naglalakbay ang isip. I was surprised when I suddenly heard Carlyn's voice from the classroom's door. Ipinapatawag niya ako sa teacher na nasa harapan.
I went out and found out that I had left my phone in their room. She was here to deliver it to me. My forehead furrowed when I accepted the phone. I think there was a mistake. Kakulay man at kapareho ng brand ay natitiyak ko na hindi ko phone ang ibinigay niya sa akin. Bukod sa maraming gasgas ang hawak kong phone ngayon ay malagkit din ito.
Nakalayo na si Carlyn. Hindi niya napansin na napagpalit niya ang phone namin. Phone ko ang dala-dala niya ngayon. Hindi na ako nakapagpaalam sa teacher namin, sinundan ko siya.
My phone suddenly rang and she answered it, thinking that it was her phone. She was stunned when she realized that she made a mistake.
I took my phone from her and I answered the person she was talking to on the other line. "Yes,' my. Sorry about that. "
Carlyn swallowed as she turned pale looking up at me. Mommy ko ang kausap niya sa phone kanina at hindi mommy niya. Napagkamali niya ang dalawa.
[ Jordan, who's that girl? ] my mom's voice on the other line. [ I thought Lou's your girlfriend? ]
"No," malamig na sagot ko kay mommy habang nakatingin kay Carlyn. Nakatingin lang din naman siya sa akin.
My mother continued asking me about Lou. I didn't know why they think that Lou would be my girlfriend. Seriously, I had no interest on that woman.
I could no longer suppress the irritation in my voice as I spoke. "She's not my girlfriend. She will never be."
And I was surprised because after saying those words, a glimpse of pain danced in Carlyn's eyes.
........................................................................................................................................... ISAIAH GIDEON DEL VALLE. That guy Carlyn was always with, I recently learned his name.
Saturday night. There was a battle of bands in Malabon. Carlyn was present to support Isaiah's band. I watched her as she strode. Her skin was shining bright in contrast to the darkness of the night. She looked like a doll in her red short jumper on a black sleeveless top, paired with a red Chucks high cut.
She looked so gorgeous, and all man's eyes were on her. I frowned imagining those eyes ogling at her. Just then, she looked over and caught me frowning.
I guess, I got on her bad side again...
.....................................................................CARLYN was surprised when she saw me on the jeepney ride home that same night. Until now, she was unaware that we had the same route going home. I relish the look on her face as it transitioned from surprised, to annoy, to questioning. She eventually settled with a smile, though.
I whipped out my phone to avoid her knowing stare. I couldn't look straight into her eyes—eyes that seemed to be searching my heart and soul.
Akala ko makakaraos ako sa buong gabing ito nang bigla na lang niyang hilahin ang kamay ko sa kanyang pagbaba. Umalis na ang jeep at naiwan na kaming dalawa.
Carlyn smiled naughtily as she watched me stand there with my mouth agape by the dark road.
And when she started walking, I just found myself following her...
................................................................................................................................................................FOLLOWING HER DIDN'T STOP THERE.
Kahit anong gawin niya, saan man siya pumunta, palagi ko na lang nakikita ang sarili ko na nakasunod sa kanya.
I was always there beside her, clearing her way of scums like Wayne Daniel Chung.
As president of the student council, I have enough connections and influence to have Wayne and his gang kicked out of our school. They were using illegal drugs and it was easy for me to catch them red-handed. Then I just had their bags checked in front of the principal.
........................................................................I WAS ALWAYS just around the corner silently watching Carlyn. Kahit noong napaaway siya, nandoon ako– I was the one who called the tanods to break up the fight...
...and after that, I was the one to tend to her wounds.
.....................................................................MY HEART was beating fast while I looked at Carlyn wearing my shirt. Her school blouse was ruined because of the earlier fight, so I lent her my shirt. My heart warmed up seeing her in it.
Ito rin ang unang beses na nakatungtong siya sa bahay namin, sa kuwarto ko. Bawat hakbang niya, bawat kilos niya ay parang magigiba sa pagkabog ang dibdib ko.
When Carlyn left, I saw one of her bra straps on my bedside table. Maybe she had forgotten about it. Napalunok ako sa isiping bahagi ito ng ikinakabit niya sa kanyang hinaharap.
I was having second thoughts if I was to touch it, but realized I needed to sooner or later, so might as well get over it. I felt my face flushed red as I held her bra strap.
Wala sa sarili na nakatitig lang ako sa isang pirasong strap hanggang sa namalayan ko na lang na pa-ribbon ko na itong ibinubuhol. A smile formed in my lips as I put it in the drawer of my bedside table.
Ah, I would keep this with me since it seemed like Carlyn didn't need it anymore...
.................................................................................................................................................CARLYN AND I started hanging out.
There were some drastic changes in me, but I was happy. I knew I was, despite doing things I never dreamt of doing before.
For the first time in my life as a student, I missed class, I also started going out at night, drink alcohol until I puke my brains out. My grades declined as a result, but I didn't give a damn.
My parents and sister were concerned, but I didn't take heed. My boring days were over, and I felt more alive than I was ever.
Carlyn truly made my boring life exciting by being part of it.
.........................................................................CARLYN AND I had something special, even if we were not putting a label on it. We had an understanding, and I knew she felt the same way as I did. I would not force or rush her into anything, though. I'd wait until she was ready to commit with me.
Everything would have been perfect if only Carlyn's friend, Isaiah was not in the picture.
I wasn't sure of the extent of their closeness, but I was aware that Isaiah was special to Carlyn. And even if it made me sad, I couldn't do anything about it.
I didn't want to put a grip on Carlyn. I didn't want to come across as possessive, even though I really wanted to shield her away from that guy. I just needed to understand their closeness, and everything woul be fine.
But that was too naïve of me. Carlyn and Isaiah ended up in a relationship while I was left there hanging by a thread.
I was in deep shock. I was obsessing over what I may have done or said wrong, and why Carlyn didn't choose me.
After my mind was cleared up, I realized that Carlyn did it for me. That she was just trying to distance herself from me because she thought she was badly influencing me, that she would just bring me down, and that I'd be in constant danger with her. She used Isaiah to drive me away, to make herself look bad in my eyes.
I still didn't give up on her. I still didn't give up even she was still with Isaiah. I patiently waited for her to come back to me.
And when she did, it was pure bliss...
...................................................................................CARLYN WAS FINALLY MINE. I did everything to give her the perfect relationship, to give her the perfect me.
But it still wasn't enough to for her to let Isaiah go. That guy was like a constant wedge between us.
It even came to the point where Carlyn started lying to me.
I wanted to yell, I wanted to reproach her – but I couldn't bring myself to. I was afraid she'd get mad at me. Even after everything, I still respect her choices, her freedom, knowing how much she valued them. I didn't want her to hate me if I would intervene.
"I'll let that slide. Let's forget about it. Just please, don't break up with me," my heart pleaded each time I looked into her eyes.
So long as Carlyn was mine, so long as we were together, I could bear anything, or so I thought. For all the smiles I plastered on my face, I was lying to her, more so to myself – I was not really okay. Resentment had been eating my heart out.
I was too young; I was too naïve. Despite being smart and all, I was so clueless in handling my emotions.
Eventually, immaturity got the best of me. Against my better judgement, I made Carlyn choose between Isaiah and me.
"Choose me over him."
Carlyn's eyes were filled with tears as she looked at me. It killed her to be demanded with this choice, but my mind was too clouded of jealousy to even think about it. Even if I was fully aware of Isaiah's condition, I wouldn't let her go to the hospital.
I could've come and accompany her, but I was stubborn. I forced her to choose. I wanted so much for her to pick me, to hear her say so.
But she didn't.
She chose Isaiah. She left telling me she would be back, but it didn't happen.
I was devastated and I hated the pain. I was consumed with doubt and insecurity.
My sister Jillian saw how a single woman could break her big brother.
It didn't help that our family was facing some issues. Mommy and her sister had a big dispute, and so Daddy was rushing our move to Tagaytay to get away from everything.
Dagdag pa ang mga problema ko sa university dahil sa pagod at pag-aalala ay apektado na ang mga grades ko. Para na akong masisiraan ng bait.
............................................................................WHY WAS SHE HERE?
Carlyn came one afternoon.
Nakalutang ang pakiramdam ko. Hindi ako makapagisip nang tama. Ilang minuto ang nagdaan. Nakayuko pa rin ako. Nakatitig lang ako sa sahig habang tulala.
Bumalik si Jillian sa kuwarto ko. "Kuya, nasa labas si Carlyn. Labasin mo muna siya. Ang tagal niya nang naghihintay sa 'yo."
I was surprised to know that she was still outside. Mahigit twenty minutes na ang lumipas. Tumayo ako at sinuklay ng mga daliri ang aking buhok.
Lumabas ako. Nakita ko si Carlyn na nakangiti. May dalang siyang kahon ng cake.
"Jordan!" Tinakbo niya agad ang pagitan namin. Nasa mga mata niya ang pananabik na tila ba walang nangyari.
I frowned because why was she acting like this?
Bakit parang walang nangyari? Bakit parang hindi niya ako nasaktan? Kinumusta niya ako pero hindi ko maramdaman.
"Why are you here?" malamig na tanong ko sa kanya.
She tried explaining but my mind was too tired to process what she was saying.
Nagsimulang magluha ang mga mata niya nang ako naman ang magsalita. Lahat ng sakit na akala ko ay makakalimutan ko rin ay naipon lang pala sa dibdib ko, at ang mga ito ngayon ang isa-isang kumawala.
Ang matinding selos ko kay Isaiah, ang kawalan ko ng tiwala sa pagkakaibigan nila, ang mga kagustuhan ko na sana akin lang siya at wala akong kahating iba, at ang insecurities ko na patong-patong na dahil never ko pang narinig sa kanya na mahal niya ako. Lahat isinumbat ko.
Pagod na ako. Alam ko rin na pagod na siya dahil hindi ko kayang maging perpekto. Akala ko kaya kong maging okay at tanggapin ang lahat basta makasama lang siya, pero hindi pala. Hindi ko pala kaya. Tao pa rin pala ako. Nasasaktan at napapagod.
"My patience ends here, I'm sorry." Tumalikod na ako dahil alam ko na hindi ko talaga kakayanin na makita ang malungkot na mga mata niya.
............................................................................................ILANG ARAW NA.
Ilang araw na pero ganoon pa rin ang tensiyon sa bahay namin. It was Jillian's graduation night, and I knew I would see Carlyn there. I was unsure if I had the right to even steal a glance at her, but I missed her – I was dying to see her.
Despite of everything, I wanted to see her. Hindi ko siya kayang tiisin. Kahit ang gulo-gulo pa, gusto ko pa rin siyang makita kahit sandali lang sana.
Sumama ako sa school. Ang balak ko ay tatanaw lang ako at hindi magtatangkang lumapit. Dahil baka kapag lumapit ako ay hindi ko na mapigilan pa ang aking sarili na abutin siya.
The ceremony was about to start but there was no sign of Carlyn. Pati ang kapatid kong si Jillian ay hindi ko makita. Bigla na lang ito kaninang nawala.
Mommy asked me to look for Jillian. Umalis muna ako para maglibot sa campus. May isang nagturo sa akin na nasa likod daw ng Grade 7's building ang kapatid ko. I was worried for her knowing how dark that place was.
Lalo pa akong nag-alala nang malamang nakikipag-away daw si Jillian. Hindi ako makapaniwala dahil hindi ugali ng kapatid ko ang makipag-away. Ni pumatay nga ng lamok ay hindi nito magagawa.
I rushed over to the Grade 7's building but was stopped in my tracks when I saw the person Jillian was fighting with – Carlyn.
Parehong gusot ang mga buhok nila, parehong humihingal, at parehong nagliliyab ang mga mata. May umawat na sa kanila pero nagwawala pa rin si Jillian at gusto pang sugurin si Carlyn.
"Niloloko mo ang kuya ko!"
I was able to comprehend what Jillian was saying. The gist was she saw Carlyn and Isaiah kissing yesterday.
"Jillian," I called out my sister's name, effectively stopping her from saying more. Ayaw ko nang marinig.
Carlyn's eyes widened in surprise when she saw me. I didn't dare meet her gaze.
Reality slapped me hard as it dawned on me what I really was to her. It was hard to swallow, and the pain was torture. It took all of me to stand my ground and not crumble.
Then and there, I finally gave up, fully aware that I already lost. At least, in doing so, Carlyn would no longer be torn between me and Isaiah.
"Dating you was a mistake, Carlyn."
It's alright, Carlyn. I'm okay.
You don't need to worry about me anymore; you no longer need to. I'm letting you go. You're free now.
Free to do whatever you want; free to be with the person you really want to be with...
I turned away and left while Carlyn was calling out to me. She was screaming my name, but I didn't look back.
Ayaw ko na siyang mapagod sa pagsisinungaling sa sarili niya. Ayaw ko na siyang hawakan pa dahil alam ko nang ang tunay niyang nararamdaman. I had given up on my happiness and just wanted her to be truly happy.
I was hunched over for the duration of the graduation ceremony, trying my best not to glance at Carlyn. Even when her name was called and she took the stage, I dared not look up.
When the event ended, I headed straight to our parked car and leaned on it. I waited for my family so we could go home. The crowd was getting thin as everyone left the venue.
I was surprised to see Carlyn approaching me. "Jordan."
The sight of her caused me great sorrow.
She stepped closer.
No, please, don't do that.
She took another step.
Stop.
I said stop.
Don't go near me.
Just a little more and I may not be able to hold back. If I reach out and touch you, I'll give in. I won't be able to let you go...
"Paano na ako?" she asked crying.
Tears were streaming down her face, and it was too painful to see. But it was really over between us.
You will be fine...
And I will not...
......................................................................................................ILANG GABI na binabagabag ako ng luha niya. Hindi ako kumakain. Hindi ako lumalabas ng kwarto. Maski pumunta sa school para umasikaso ng mga requirements ay hindi ko magawa.
Bumukas ang kuwarto ko at mula roon ay pumasok ang kapatid kong si Jillian. Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko at niyakap ako.
Sumubsob ako sa leeg niya at doon pinakawalan ang mga luha. "Jill, ang sakit..."
She did not say a word. Wala akong narinig na tanong o sumbat mula sa kanya. Umiiyak lang din siya habang dinadamayan ako at hinahagod ang likod ko.
"Ang sakit-sakit, Jill..." iyak ko hanggang sa pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong iluluha.
Sa buong pagkakataon na lugmok ako, hindi umalis ang kapatid ko sa tabi ko...
..........................................................................................................................................MAGDAMAG AKONG TULALA. Madaling araw na ngayon pero hindi pa rin ako makatulog. I wanted to see Carlyn. Hindi ko naman siya guguluhin, gusto ko lang talaga siyang makita. Kahit sulyap lang. Kahit dulo lang ng buhok niya ang makita ko, ayos lang.
Lumabas ako ng sala at nagulat nang biglang bumukas ang pinto at pumasok ang kapatid kong si Jillian. Nagulat ako nang malamang lumabas siya ng bahay. She was grounded but she escaped? And why did she come home so late?
Nagkagulatan kami. Iba ang suot niyang damit, shirt na panlalaki. Hindi ko kilala ang damit. I also noticed that her hair was messy. In the light from the kitchen I saw that she had a bruise on her forehead.
Nahuli ko ang pagkislap ng liwanag mula sa labas ng bintana ng sala. Agad akong sumilip at mula roon ay natanaw ko ang isang motor sa katapat naming kalsada. Ang nakasakay roon ay isang lalaking nakasuot lang ng jeans pero walang pang-itaas. Hindi ko nakita ang mukha dahil may suot itong helmet
Lalabasin ko sana ito nang yakapin ako ni Jillian sa bewang.
Before I could think straight, Jillian suddenly fainted. To my shock, her unconscious body fell into my arms.
..........................................................................................................................................MALALA ANG PROBLEMA KAY JILLIAN. We discovered that her body was full of bruises. We tried asking her who hurt her but she wouldn't say a word. She also didn't want us to take her to the hospital.
Tulala lang si Jillian. Iyak nang iyak at nagkukulong sa kuwarto. Dumating ang pinsan naming si Harry nang malaman ang nangyari sa kanya. Gusto siyang kumustahin, pero hindi niya ito hinarap man lang.
..........................................................................................................................................MY MOM fell into depression. I had a talk with my dad where he asked me to stay strong for our family, as I was the only one left for him to rely on. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was already broken into pieces.
Sa kalagitnaan ng problema sa pamilya ay hindi ko natiis na hindi puntahan si Carlyn. Okay na sa akin magalit siya at itaboy niya ako, basta makita ko lang sana siya kahit sandali lang. Baka lang kahit paano umayos ang takbo ng isip ko, baka kahit paano maibsan ang sakit ng puso ko.
Kaso sa ilang punta ko sa kanila ay wala siya. Walang tao sa bahay nila. Wala ring alam ang mga kapitbahay nila kung nasaan sila.
Hindi sumasagot si Tita Clara sa mga tawag ko. I wanted to contact Carlyn directly, but I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't have the courage to talk to her. I was even afraid to hear her voice.
................................................................................................................................................LUMIPAS ANG MGA LINGGO. Lumala pa ang problema sa pamilya ko. Nakatakda na kaming lumipat sa Tagaytay. Nagulat ako nang dumating ang kaklase kong si Nat. Nagtanong-tanong daw siya kung saan ako nakatira. Nabalitaan daw niya kasi na lilipat kami kaya gusto niyang tumulong sa pagliligpit.
Parang huminto ang paligid nang paglabas ko ng kuwarto ay makita ko si Carlyn sa pinto ng sala namin. I didn't expect her to come, lalo sa araw din na ito. She saw Nat. May nakita akong galit sa mga mata niya na ikinagulat ko.
Was it really jealousy? Hindi ako makapaniwala.
Tumalikod si Carlyn at kahit naduduwag ay humabol ako sa kanya. Nagbitiw siya ng mga salita na parang asido na sumusugat sa puso ko. Nakatulala lang ako at hindi makapagsalita. Sa buong pagkakataong ito, nasasaktan ako pero mas masakit na isiping nasasaktan din siya. Matapos kong ma-realized ang lahat ay para akong naparalisado.
Ang gago ko. Ang gago ko dahil ako iyong nangako na poprotekta sa kanya pero ako pa iyong nanakit sa kanya.
Deserve kong iwan. Deserve kong mabasag.
Napayuko ako sa gutter ng kalsada. Parang kulang na lang ay ikamatay ko na ang sakit na nararamdaman.
Lumapit si Jillian sa akin. "You can follow her, you know..."
Lumapit na rin si Nat. "Jill, what's happening to Jordan? And who's that girl he was talking to earlier?"
"Nat, umuwi ka muna," utos ni Jillian kay Nat.
"No, Jill. I'll stay."
Nat truly stayed pero hindi ko siya ramdam.
Nagkalagnat ako noong gabi siguro dahil naulanan.
Nang gumaling ay walang nakapigil sa akin, pumunta agad ako sa Navarro, si Tito Luis na lang ang naabutan ko. Wala na raw si Carlyn. She was now in Singapore. She went there with her older half-sister.
I found out what happened to her; that she had been hospitalized and that her biological father had died.
I also found out how stupid I was.
Na mahal niya ako...
Totoong mahal niya ako.
Sinaktan ko siya habang mahal niya ako...
I wasn't with her during the times when she needed me the most. And now she had left the country. She was no longer here. She had left with a broken heart...
I fucking broke her heart.
Nanghihinang napaluhod ako sa sahig habang walang tigil sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko.
"Tito, mahal ko si Carlyn..."
Nilapitan ako ni Tito Luis. "I know, young man."
"Anong gagawin ko? Ayaw niya na akong makita. Galit siya sa akin..."
"Even if Carlyn didn't say anything, me and her mom knows that you're one of the reasons she left. Wala kaming idea sa naging problema niyong dalawa, pero isa ang tiyak namin, pareho kayong hindi buo sa mga oras na ito."
Tito Luis was right. That was one of the reasons I was afraid to face Carlyn. Hindi ko sigurado kung makakaya kong pangatawanan siya sa pagkakataong ito na hindi ako buo.
"Mga bata pa kayo. Masarap ma-in love sa ganyang edad, pero masakit din masaktan sa ganyang edad. Parehong magugulo pa ang mga utak at puso niyo. Bakit hindi niyo gamitin ang panahon na magkalayo kayo para matiyak ang mga damdamin niyo? Kilalanin niyo ang mga sarili niyo."
Tinapik ni Tito Luis ang balikat ko.
"Sa ngayon, pamilya mo muna ang intindihin mo. Magtapos ka ng pag-aaral para sa magulang mo."
Napayuko ako nang maisip sina mommy at daddy. Sa ngayon ay sobrang lugmok sila. Ako na lang ang inaasahan nila.
Isang malumanay na boses ang nagsalita mula sa pinto. "Jordan."
Si Tita Clara. Malungkot na nakangiti siya sa akin. Sa ekspresyon niya ay alam kong narinig niya lahat.
"Hindi pa oras. Masyado pang bata para magmahal. Kapag dumating ang panahon na parehong financially and emotionally stable ka na, doon ka pa lang may karapatang magmahal."
"I'm sorry, Tita..."
"Sa ngayon, alagaan mo muna sa puso mo ang pagmamahal sa anak ko. Pwede ba iyon?" May inabot siya sa aking maliit na papel.
Pumatak ang mga luha ko. "Tita..."
Ngumiti siya. "That's my daughter's address in Singapore."
..........................................................................................................................................................I MISSED HER. I couldn't take it any longer, so I saved up and followed her in Singapore after a year. When I finally located her, I just watched her from afar.
Blangko ang mga tingin niya habang naglalakad sa kalsada.
Carlyn, look at me.
Just one look. Kung titingin siya, hindi na ako makakapagpigil, lalapitan ko na siya. Kahit itulak niya pa ako, yayakapin ko siya.
But her blank and emotionless eyes never looked my way...
................................................................................I TALKED TO TITA CLARA. Alam niya ang bawat alis ko tuwing sembreak at holidays. Alam niya lahat dahil sinasabi ko sa kanya.
"Hello, Jordan? Nakausap ko ang ate niya. Hindi na raw sumi-sipot sa mga appointment sa doktor si Carlyn, pero continuous naman ang pagti-take niya sa mga gamot."
"Thanks, Tita." I thanked her for informing me.
"Go home for now. Malapit na ang exams mo. You need to prepare and review."
"Yeah. I'm leaving the next day."
"Alright. Thanks for looking over her while you're there."
Once the call ended, I received a text from Ate Jade, Carlyn's older sister. May number na ako ng babae dahil mahigit isang taon na rin kaming may communication na lingid sa kaalaman ni Carlyn.
She informed me of Carlyn's new sideline – she was now accepting modeling jobs. Nilista ko ang pangalan ng kompanya pa i-check ito. Pagkatapos ay pumasok ako sa 5-star hotel kung saan pumapasok din na singer si Carlyn sa isa mga fine dining resto dito.
After hearing her voice from afar, I would finally be happy to return to the Philippines with the memories.
................................................................................................................................................YEARS PASSED. I've already graduated and passed the board exam. I just came back from Spain where I visited the firm of my architect grandfather. I received a call from Tita Clara telling me that Carlyn was coming back to the Philippines.
Kinakabahan ako pero gusto ko nang makita ang reaksyon ni Carlyn sa muling pagkikita namin.
I tried my hardest to keep my calm and cool composure, but deep inside, my heart was beating wildly.
I tricked her a little because I wanted to confirm something.
Masaya akong malaman na may natira pa rin, na meron pa rin. Hindi ko alam kung gaano kaliit o kaunti, pero sapat na iyon para sa akin.
I knew she was mad at me and she might not want to forgive me, but I would not give up. Even if she would tell me to get lost, I would still stay.
...Because I was now tired of loving her from afar.
.................................................................................I STAYED. I didn't leave their house even if there was no reason not to. I wanted to be with her.
Kahit mukha na akong tanga, nandito pa rin ako. Kahit kulang na lang ay tadyakan niya ako, bumabalik at bumabalik pa rin ako.
Man, I truly took the 'never give up' saying to the next level.
Carlyn still would not accept me wholly, but I was glad that she, at least, was open to my advances.
Kaunti pa... Kaya ko pa... Wala naman akong balak sumuko sa kanya...
.........................................................................HER DEPRESSION.
I knew Carlyn experienced panic attacks and that she'd been through depression. But it didn't prepare me to witness it firsthand. It was like I was stabbed in the heart when I watched her cry in my arms.
The pain just got worse when I learned that she attempted suicide. It really shocked me to the core. Parang sabay na namanhid ang utak at puso ko.
Ate Jade didn't tell me about that. Even Tita Clara was oblivious.
That's the only information Ate Jade didn't share with us. She couldn't bring herself to. So that was why there was always a feeling that something was off because she was keeping it from me.
..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................THEN I SAW THE SCARS on Carlyn's wrists, and the blade in my heart pierced through it.
Right there and then, I became paranoid. Whenever I see Carlyn, I had this sinking feeling that she might disappear, that I might lose her anytime.
Gusto ko na lang siyang itali sa akin, gusto ko na lang siyang minu-minutong bantayan, gusto kong siyang alagaan at paulit-ulit na ipaalala sa kanya kung gaano siya kahalaga.
.........................................................I DID EVERYTHING TO BE WITH HER ALWAYS.
All I wanted was to see her happy, even if it would happen gradually, even if it was a slow process. Her happiness was what was important to me.
God heard my prayers. Carlyn's pursed lips were now showing hints of smiles while I saw a glimpse of brightness in her dead eyes.
Go, my sweet. Take your time. I am here for you. I will always be here for you...
................................................................................................................ "WHEN THINGS GOT WORSE, DRINK RED HORSE!"
I got drunk with Isaiah. Again.
Sinong mag-aakala na ang dating pinagseselosan ko ay ngayo'y pinapayuhan ako ng kung anu-ano.
The guy was really cool. Okay naman siya, mabait, maloko lang pero nakikita ko ang pagiging responsable at matino niyang tao. Marami akong nalaman at natutunan sa kanya.
Dinuro niya ako habang namumungay ang kanyang mga mata. "Kahit sampu pa ang puso ni Carlyn, lahat iyon sa 'yo."
Napangiti ako.
I realized how really immature I was back then. I've always known the truth, but it was better to hear it from Isaiah.
"Thanks, Isaiah."
"NP."
Tumungga ako sa tagay niya.
Carlyn loves me. She truly loves me...
Then and now...
.........................................................................FINALLY, SHE GAVE IN.
Carlyn agreed to marry me. "I love you, Jordan Moises Herrera. Be prepared to hear me saying how much I love you for the rest of our lives."
Oh, that wouldn't be a problem for I'd always been ready.
I couldn't stop my tears from falling, tears brought forth from the extreme joy that I was feeling then. Iniisip ko kung may isasaya pa ba ako nang higit pa ngayon sa nararanasan ko?
...................................................................................PRESENT DAY
Katapusan...
I looked over the stuffs Carlyn was putting away. Nasa kuwarto ko kami ngayon. Pansamantala rito habang hindi pa buo ang ipon ko na pampagawa ng sarili naming bahay. Siya na rin ang gustong dito muna kami dahil isa yata sa pinaglihian niya ang kapatid kong si Jillian.
Matapos niyang iligpit ang mga kahon ko sa closet ay humarap siya sa akin. May ibinato siya sa aking kung ano. I smiled when I saw the strap of her bra, iyong ini-ribbon ko noon, the one she left in my room during our high school days. She had been teasing me since she saw what I did with it and wouldn't let me hear the end of it.
"Naughty daddy!" sigaw niya sa akin.
Her red lips were grinning, and her eyes were twinkling with life.
I embraced her as I looked at her smiling lovely face. Malaki na ang ipinagbago niya. Tuloy pa rin ang gamutan niya, tuwing wala akong trabaho ay sinasamahan ko siya.
Madalas na rin kaming mag-usap na dalawa. Open na siya sa akin at lahat ng bagay ay ikinukwento niya na. Kahit ang malilit lang na pangyayari katulad nang pagluhod ni Isaiah sa kalsada, paglilihi ni Sussie sa ketchup at mangga, pagpapalayas ni Zandra sa asawa nitong si Miko, at ang pagtatangka ng kaibigan nilang seaman na uminom ng muriatic acid sa barko dahil broken daw ito.
We were now closer than before and our relationship was getting stronger each day.
May mga pagkakataon pa rin naman na naiinis at naiirita siya sa akin, na dumarating sa punto na ayaw niya akong makita, na madalang mangyari. Gayunpaman, mabilis niya na akong napapatawad o kaya ay siya na mismo ang humihingi ng sorry at nakikipagbati. Hindi niya ako natitiis.
"Mahal mo pa rin ba ako kahit mukha na akong butete?" nakalabing tanong niya habang nakayakap sa leeg ko. Bumubunggo sa akin ang tiyan niya na ngayon ay 7 months na.
Masuyong hinalikan ko siya sa noo. "Mas mahal pa kita ngayon."
Nangislap ang luha sa mga mata niya. "What did I do to deserve someone like you?"
"Because you're a good person that's why you deserve a loving and gorgeous husband like me."
Ngumiti na naman siya. Ngiti na puno ng saya at pagmamahal. "Yumayabang ka na, Architect."
I grinned as I touched her baby bump. "Marami na kasi akong ipagyayabang."
Yumakap siya sa akin at sumiksik sa ilalim ng leeg ko. "Mahal kita ngayon."
"And later?"
"Mahal pa rin."
"How about tomorrow?"
"Mahal pa rin." Tumingala siya sa akin. "Mahal kita ng matagal hanggang sa hindi na ako marunong tumingin ng oras at petsa, kahit na dumating ang araw na malabo na ang mga mata ko, kahit hindi na ako makalakad kasi matanda na ako, kahit ulyanin na ako, maaalala ko pa ring mahal kita, Jordan Moises Herrera."
Hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa dahil habang tumatagal, kumo-corny siya. But she was so cute. Kaya lang malaki na talaga ang tiyan niya, hindi ko tuloy alam kung pwede pa.
Napangiwi ako nang kurutin niya ako sa bewang. "Hoy! Kakaiba ka kiligin, tinutubuan ka ng tent!"
Ang lakas ng tawa ko nang irapan niya ako at talikuran. Padabog na iniwan niya ako at tinungo ang kama.
"Hey, I thought you love me!" habol ko sa kanya.
"Hindi muna kita mahal ngayon!"
Nang lumingon siya ay nakangiti siyang kumindat sa akin. Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib dahil muntik ko nang hindi kayanin.
... Ah, I really love this woman, my wife, the mother of my child.
I love her so much that I am willing to go on the battlefield for her.
Many things can still happen and she may be sad and hurt again, but one thing is for sure... I will never give up on her. I will always be beside her through good and bad times.
I am Jordan Moises Herrera and this is my journey of love.
From the day I got married with my wife, I promised to only live for her happiness. For her happiness is my happiness, too.
I will shield her heart from all the pain, I will be her strength whenever she's feeling weak, and when she gets lonely, I will love her more.
For I am Carlyn Marie Tamayo-Herrera's wonderwall.
- Heartbreaker, South Boys #2
JF
South Boys#3: Serial Charmer is now available in my account. I hope to see you there too! Thankyou and Iloveyouuu =) FB Group: JF Society and South Boys by Jamille Fumah
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