Chapter Thirty Four
My nerves was a mess. My hand shook as I lifted the coffee cup in my mouth. I could barely take a sip of my latte, the little sips I took felit like it wanted to go back up my throat. The panging anxiety in the pit of my stomach was hard to ignore. I put my cup down and lifted my head up to look at her. Guiliana Di Fiordo-Lavigne, Axel's wife. She was sitting right across me. Cool, calm, confident and unapologetic. While I, on the other hand, was shaky and nervous.
I didn't believe her at first. I wanted to believe that she was just Axel's past fling who couldn't get over him but when I saw the proof, her ID with Axel's last name, I felt like my world fell apart. We decided to talk about it over a cup of coffee at a coffee shop just across the condominium building.
She noticed me looking at her and smiled. I straightened my back stiffly, faking confidence. But I didn't know if I could pull this act off. Right now, I was a mess of nerves. I took in a deep breath to calm myself down.
"Valerie." She said in an eerily calm voice. She looked at me as if studying my reaction. "You're Valerie right?"
"Yes, I am." I answered blankly
"Axel has told me a few things about you while we were in Italy." She kept that fake smile intact on her lips. I swallowed that knot I felt in my throat. My heart felt like it was being squeezed. He was with her when he went to Italy. I wanted to cave in but held myself up. I would never give her the satisfaction of seeing me crumble. I had to keep my act together.
"What did he tell you?" I casually asked as if I was talking to a friend.
"All good, I assure you." She said and straightened up, her face more serious. "Axel and I are trying to make our marriage work. We've had our personal issues and we decided to spend some time away from each other. Axel is a man. I know he had needs and I wasn't around to ful fill it. Naiintindihan ko kung bakit siya nagkaroon ng extramarital affair at gusto ko rin ipaalam na hindi ako galit sa'yo."
My sweaty hands clenched into fists under the table while still trying to maintin a relaxed facade. My heart felt like it was going to burst as I held all my emotions back. Totoo ba ang sinasabi niya? I didn't want to believe it but based on his actions lately, she could be telling the truth. Simula nang bumalik si Axel mula sa Italy nag-iba na siya. Parang palagi siyang may itinatago sa akin. He was always busy, always on his phone or in front of his laptop in his library.
"Pero nakikiusap ako sa'yo, please stay away from him. We're already married."
Married. I never thought that word could hurt me this much. I held back a wince. It hurts so much that it felt like I had been physically assaulted. I took in a deep breath. Breathe, Valerie, Breathe.
"You're a beautiful young woman. Marami ka pang makikilalalang lalaki, yung wala pang asawa. yung hindi pa nakatali." There was malice in her words, a cold edge to it. Na para bang ipinamumukha niya sa akin kung ano ako. She was rubbing salt on an already painful and open wound.
If she thought what she said would break me, she was wrong. I am Valerie Zamora. Hindi ako sanay na naapi at hindi ako papayag na maapi. I turned my anxiety into strength and confidence. The bitchy side of me was activated.
"Bakit hindi siya ang pakiusapan mong lumayo sa akin?" I said in a mocking smile. Her face suddenly fell and my smile grew bigger. "Can't he willinly stay away from me? Well, I can't blame him. Axel and I have great chemistry both in bed and out of it. At katulad nga ng sabi mo, I'm a beautiful young woman."
I saw how her jaw clenched, her face darkened, her expression turned into a scowl. The bitch in me was rejoicing seeing her riled up like that. Guiliana's annoyingly cool demeanor disappeared.
"Kapag nagsawa ang asawa ko, iiwan ka niya at babalik din siya sa akin."
"Kapag." I gave her the most sweetest smile I could make to annoy her even more. "But I don't think that would happen anytime soon. Why would he want to go back to a boring, aging wife when he already has a beautiful young woman?
"Go fuck yourself." She said through gritted teeth.
"I don't need to. Your husband does that for me." I smirked. She look at me with a malicious glare and I glared back at her. Agad din akong nagbaba ng tingin and pretend to look at my wrist watch. "Kung wala ka ng iba pang sasabihin, aalis na ako. May pupuntahan pa ako but it was nice meeting you." I got up from my seat with as much dignity I could muster. I left the coffee shop with my head held high and my dignity intact.
I hailed a taxi and it stopped in front of me. I got in and closed the door. Axel was married. It sank into me like a heavy stone dropping into the pit of my stomach. The tears I had been holding back finally began to pour down my eyes. I sath there sobbing in quiet tears as my whole body shook. I was living, sleeping, making love with a married man all along. Mahal ko si Axel pero hindi ko kayang tanggapin iyon. Kaya kong tanggapin ang lahat wag lang ito.
I asked the taxi driver to take me to Axel's office where he said he would be. I harshly wiped my tears away and hurriedly got out of the car. I felt like our whole relationship was a lie. He lied about everything and I fell for it. I willingly gave up everything for him. Halos wala na akong itira sa sarili ko tapos malalaman kong kasal na siya. Was I just one of his women? Someone he could bed while he was away from his wife? Kung alam ko lang na kasal na siya hindi ko naman ipagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa kanya. I would never want to be a mistress. I deserve better than that.
Now everything was starting to make sense. This was the reason why he was keeping me a sexret. Ang sakit kasi akala ko totoo ang lahat ng ito. I had already dreamt and planned a life with him but I was just a convenience for him.
I'd never before reached a point of anger severe enough to physically hurt someone, but I wanted to hurt him. Badly. My heart was shattered and my pride was battered. I marched to the parking lot with heavy, angry steps. I saw his car parked on the space that was especially reserved for him and decided to take my anger out on it. I looked around, trying to find something to throw at it. I saw a chunk of rock lying on the corner and picked it up. I threw it on his car with every strength I had and it went throught the windshield, smashing the glass into pieces. I imagined it was him, that lying cheating asshole. The car's alarm went off but I didn't care. My fingers were twitching, still unsatisfied, as my breathing got heavier. I picked up another rock and threw it again at his car, and another one, and another one. When the securities came, the once beautiful car was already disfigured and the windows smashed.
It didn't take long before Axel came out. A new wave of anger took over me when I saw him.
"Let go of her." There was a hint of irriation on his voice when he saw me being held by the securities. The securities slowly let go of me. "Val, anong nangyari dito? What are you doing here?" He worriedly asked and then he gazed at his car. "And what happened to my car?"
"Consider yourself lucky. That could've been your dick." I said through gritted teeth.
"Val." He slowly stepped towards me.
"I know about Guiliana. I know about your wife." I felt as if my heart was being squeezed so tightly I could barely breathe. His reaction confirmed everything. He looked like a little boy caught red handed. He was shocked for a moment but quickly recovered.
"Val, baby." His hands went up and was about to cup my face when I lifted my hand up and slapped him across his face.
"Niloko mo ako! Ginawa mo akong tanga! Kaya kong lunukin ang lahat pero hindi ang maging kabit mo. You know how I feel right now? I feel disgusted for sleeping with a married man!" Tears once again stung my eyes.
He tried to get closer to me and I lost it. I launched myself at him, hitting him, scratching, shouting profanity. I had never been this angry in my whole life. I hated him so much I wanted to rip him apart. All his I love you's, his hugs, his kisses, his touches- it was a lie from the start. He lied about everything. I dreamt of a future with him but he was already married to someone else.
When I came back to myself he was firmly hold my wrist and my arms were crossed over my chest with my back against his broad and heaving body. Everything went quiet, nothing could be heard except our heavy breathings and my incohorent sobs. I felt him leave gentle kisses on my hair as his thumbs rubbed my wrists soothingly.
"I'm sorry, Val. Hindi ko ginustong lokohin ka." He whispered to my ear. I felt him swallow before gently releasing my hands. My knuckled were hurting and bruised and some of my nails were broken. I took in deep breaths before turning around to face him. I was shocked when I saw him. He had scratches on his face and neck and a dark spot on his jaw where I had managed to land a punch.
His eyes went down to my hands and grimaced when he look at it. He reached for my hands with his and gently stroked my knuckles with his thumb. "You've hurt youself." Mahinang sabi niya.
I snatched it away from him. He looked up at me and I gave him a glare.
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you." His voice was soft and gentle, he was talking to me as if I was a fragile creature.
"Bakit sa tingin mo hindi ako nasasaktan ngayon?" No matter how hard I tried to keep my voice steady, it still broke. "I did everything for you. Sinundan kita dito sa Manila, nagpakababa ako para sa'yo, kaya kong tanggapin ang lahat... huwag lang 'to. Ginawa mo akong kabit!"
He took a step closer to me and I retreated away a few steps. "No, don't even come near me."
"Val, she means nothing to me anymore. You're the only one I love."
Dahan-dahan akong umatras palayo sa kanya at tumakbo. Bumalik ako sa condo niya para kunin ang mga gamit ko. As soon as I got in, I hurriedly went to the closet and took my clothes. Nagmamadaling isiniksik ko ang mga iyon sa luggage. I was determined to leave and nothing right now could change my mind. It was the right thing to do. It was hard as I loved him so much. But it was right to leave.
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