[twenty-one]
One night I sat at our table. I held my hair up, looking at the color and wondering why I looked so different from everyone else.
Papa had paused at my question. His eyes became thoughtful and far away as he spoke, "you look like your mother."
"What was her name?" I had always pestered papa about her, but he would close himself off and say only the barest of words.
He hesitates now. I see the debate in his mind. But I wanted to know. I wanted to know more about the woman whom I looked like.
"Deirdre," he said. There was a reverence in his tone. Like he cradled the name in his arms and held it close- kept it close. Didn't want to let go.
"Deirdre..." I look up. I can see that papa does not want any more questions. He looks uncomfortable. I wonder what life would have been like if mother had survived when giving birth to me. If papa would be more like a father- with warmth in his eyes instead of constant teaching.
"And my name?"
He is starting to move away. He pushes up from his chair, placing his back to me as he stands in front of his work table.
"What about your name?"
"What does it mean? Why did you choose it?"
"Catina," he sighs, turning around. "Stop your questions. I don't have the answers you want to hear."
"Please," I was caught in the idea of her. How they met. What she liked. What she was like.
"Stop," his voice is weak, arm held up in protest to stop any more words. "Stop. And don't ask me about her again."
Though the evening had descended and the candles were low, I could still make out the expression papa held. In his eyes I could see the shadows of haunted memories. Awe and pain.
Mother had been something above. Something he did not think he should touch.
Maybe that had been my path to life. That I had been born from something celestial.
Something regal and divine.
Maybe I should have known at that moment that I was more.
I was more.
* * *
They had grown. The tribe before us was no longer that. It was a hoard. An army. A city unto itself that had the ability to move from place to place.
There was no permanent structure of thrones- no stairs that ascended into something great, but only to a single point.
No. Their steps continued. Up and up. Disappearing behind, not able to fall down.
"Blessed Shiana..." the Elephant King's voice is low so I am the only one who can hear it. I can feel the tension in his body.
This was more.
More than he could have ever known.
"Why," his words are said into my ears, "why did you create this army? Why did you bless these people?"
"They are mine."
"They cast you off. I do not know how it is that you were pronounced dead. I don't know how you are here sitting in front of me on the wrong side. But I can figure it out for myself that you were betrayed. Something...someone did this to you."
"Was it the great leader?" He pressed for the answer he had always been reaching for, "did he throw you away and hand whatever was left over to me?"
I don't say anything. I don't let my mind or eyes wander from that which was in front of me.
There. Somewhere in the distance he stood.
Somewhere, right now, probably in my line of sight but too far to actually see- stood the great leader. Sitting there upon his steed with the world cracked open from above. He had pulled a goddess out of thin air. To conquer mortal men was just a step upon his path.
Nothing more.
We were all pieces on a board, players to a game. I take in the red of the land and wonder if any would truly be able to know the battle that had been fought here. Would the colors blend together to make the ground richer? Would those from the future understand the evils they walked upon from the past?
Horns blare out. Animals that proved the namesake to the Kingdom could be heard behind us. Steal blades twisted onto their tusks- a sight that had caught me off guard. I had wondered what the true outcome of the battle would be if the Elephant King had his children protecting.
"They are coming." I turn to look at the prince of wolves. He meets my eyes and a grin slowly spreads across his face. He wanted war. He wanted battle. He wanted something- something that I was not privy to.
He had his face. The same face. I wondered if I had been wrong in thinking he was not him. I wondered if this had all been a trick and somehow he had been able to get past my senses. That he would reach out and slit the Elephant King's throat and then my own.
But I knew the way my body reacted to him. The real him. The other him. The one that carried his face and showed a similar body- that I had the ability to understand and distinguish the two. My soul reached out to him- him- and connected with heat. Fire. Always fire between us. Flames that licked each other and consumed, turned to ashes. How his touch singed, but in the best of ways. The way that pain brought pleasure.
I gripped the edge of my knife, waiting for the revelation. When two faces that were the same finally resided in the same place.
Horses ride in the distance.
I try and fail to tame my heart. My blood seemed to sing with the looming promise of being able to see him.
The Elephant King motions- and we are moving towards them.
Us, Khalid, the wolf prince, and other men who formed a circle- we rode out to meet within the middle of the battle field.
"Bless us, Mikabellum," the Elephant King said. "Makes this ground holy."
Yes yes yes. I could not stop the erratic beat of my heart. To see him. To see him. To finally see him.
The goddess of war coming to meet the great leader himself.
Coming to bring war. To give victory. To be ruination.
I see him and my body burns.
He stops. Still a distance away but he stops. The men beside him stop also, heads turning to try and understand his actions. We do not meet in the middle. We go to them.
I hear a cry- a heart wrenching sound. And watch as one of the men gets off his horse, falling to his knees.
Jesper.
"Mikabellum," He looks at me from the distance. Even from here I can tell that there are tears in his eyes. I had seen his face before. I knew what it looked like when he was in pain.
The Elephant King is silent behind me. We take in the scene of the weeping warrior.
"You're alive," his sobs can be heard. The others are motionless. I look up.
I look up and see him.
My soul bursts apart. My body cannot contain anything. My mind has tumbled off from the edge, falling and falling. I see his eyes and the memories come back. I see his body and the sensations shadow within my head.
He draws closer, and I know he cannot help himself. Whatever material made up our souls, it was one in the same. We had a cord that connected- his plan to cut it had not worked.
And with that rope attaching me to him, I had the desire to pull- and pull- and drag him down to hell with me.
"Your goddess is alive, great leader." It is the wolf prince that speaks.
The great leader's eyes go to him. I watch the two men closely. The only emotion I can see from the prince of wolves is anger. Livid fueling anger.
The great leader's eyes are back on me.
"I watched you."
I hold his gaze. His hands clench. His eyes hold my own emotion. Those black soulless orbs begin to come to life.
"I watched you burn."
The tone of his voice does not match the actions of his words. It is reverence. And relief. The pure sweet sound of relief.
I want to throw myself at him. Vulgar and primitive thoughts fill my mind- I want the world to stop and for it to be just the two of us. I want to take the clothing that covers his face and reveal the hidden skin. I want to take my teeth and run them along his neck so he could feel the anticipation of what it is like to have it ripped out in the sweetest of ways.
I want my hands to be his own undoing. To wrap my fingers against the bleeding wound I have made to his skin and paint my own flesh with red the way he had done to mine.
And I wanted to take my hand and push him down, to bring this man to his knees and have him worship me.
"I've come to do the same," I said.
Jesper stands, "great leader - they have Mikabellum..."
"Is this really the goddess of war," he had been caught off guard but now his mask was back in place. "Do you bring me Mikabellum or someone who is dressed up to play the part?"
The Elephant King laughs, "she is the one. I know. I've tasted her and have been blessed."
The eyes of the great leader harden. I bare my teeth, tempting him to come closer so I could demonstrate their use.
I answer his question though, as I take the pendant that had been around my neck and hold it in the air.
And he knew.
He had been trying to convince himself that it wasn't true. But as all stared at the frozen flower that I raised to the air- he knew that I was real. I was holy. I was divine. I had the power to bless and I had the power to destroy.
I would ruin him. I would ruin him in the best of ways. The worst of ways.
"What will you do great leader?" I can tell it is hard for the Elephant King to not gloat. To reign in his desire to flaunt what he had captured. "Will you continue to move forward? Will you risk losing your goddess a second time?"
The great leader is silent. And in his silence I can taste victory.
"We did not come this far to walk away now," the wolf prince snarls his words into the air. The great leader ignores him, eyes never leaving me.
"You will leave? And then what? End everything? Never know the power that is in front of you?"
Tension is coming from the other men around me as they watch the wolf provoke the monster.
The great leader looks up. I know he is looking at the Elephant King. Meeting his eyes.
"Give me Mikabellum."
The arms that encircle me grow tighter.
"And if I do?"
"I will leave."
The prince of wolves is becoming more agitated. He is restless. The animal wanted blood. He had been promised blood. His eyes were becoming crazed, black and soulless, matching his counterpart- matching what they looked like on the day that I had first been taken.
The Elephant King laughs, "leave and then return? With her? With the army she has brought in for you?"
The great leader is silent. Whether he knows it or not, he is coming closer. I feel the pull from the both of us. The desire.
"Give her to me," he whispers, "she is mine."
"Accept your sins!" The shout from the wolf prince startles me. "Accept your fate!"
"Give her to me," he moves closer, ignoring- arms reaching. The Elephant King is trying to move his horse back. I feel Khalid brush close beside. I am caught in his gaze, captured in his stare.
The prince of wolves screams and in his scream I hear a battle cry.
And the silence around our words is broken as the two sides match his actions and descend upon us.
"Go back!" The Elephant King is trying to turn. The chaos of battle is already whirling around and I try to keep my bearings on what is happening and how everything has so quickly gone up in flames.
I see the wolf prince reach for me. The Elephant King makes a sound, his hand reaching for his own sword. The knife the prince holds is aimed for me and then the startled cry is heard as the body behind falls.
I whirl around, men fighting, yelling, screaming. Blood and gore with the cry of war. The body of the King at my feet. An arrow sticking out from behind his head.
"The King is dead!" The cry does not stop their advance. I see the man with skin like the night suddenly crowded around. I see how the shift in power is done so effortlessly, so swift. I see Khalid, his eyes frantic as he tries to get to me- but one of the wolf prince's men attacks him, taking him out of my sight.
And then I feel a hand wrap around my neck.
The eyes of the wolf drag me towards him. I knew he would sink his canines into me eventually.
"You should have stayed dead," he growls, closing his fingers tighter.
Instinct. Impulse. Adrenaline. I take my knife and slash it across his arm. He howls to the rising sun but does not let go. His mission is me- his desire my death.
I see a flash of silver as his hand descends, while the other holds me in place. But the motion is stopped. And a different pair of hands are grabbing me.
The wolf prince cries again, outrage and wrath mixed with this voice.
I know these arms. I am familiar with this warmth.
I look up and see the great leader, staring down the prince.
"You fucking traitor," the prince of wolves yells. "I knew you couldn't do it. I knew you wouldn't be able to - and now this is happening!"
He lunges towards me, but the great leader pulls away, turning back and urging his horse forward.
"You're alive," the wonder in his voice is there- his arm wraps around me, pulling me in. "You're alive."
"Let me go!" I scream in his face, frantically looking around. Battle and confusion- everything is a mess and there is no order. Only chaos. Khalid is not here- I cannot see him and fear grips into my heart when I recall the wolf prince's men descending upon him.
"Don't move," he is still riding away from the battle. I have flashes of the last time this has happened. Of what he had done before.
His grip is a chain, stopping and restricting my movements. Everything is covered and protected in cloth, but I still attempt to lean forward and sink my teeth into him.
He laughs and the sound is one of pure freedom and rejoice.
"Bite me, cut me, take me- any of them are proof that this is real."
"I will fucking kill you!" I scream this into him, doing everything in my power to break free. "I will cut your heart out and throw it into the fire!"
"Take it!" his laughter makes me scream, "take it Mikabellum. It's yours."
I am violently twisting, my only thoughts full of rage and fury. Rational thought leaves me as my eyes meet his. As the black comes alive and seems to spark with the single fact that I am once again in his arms.
He slows down, turning to take in the battle we have left. I pause also, staring at the ruin that was unfolding before us. The screams of men. The roar of the elephants. I see chaos and confusion.
The men of the Onism fighting - easily spotted with their covered attire. But I can see- faintly- skin fighting skin. Sides turning- dividing in half.
And in the distance I see him.
I see the wolf hunting his prey.
"He's coming," I said.
I look up and watch the great leader. His arm tightens around me- distracted- and I shove my body aside, pushing against his grip.
I don't catch him unaware. He pulls me back before I can fall, bringing me even closer than before.
"Kill me."
He stills at my words, finally looking down.
"Kill me again and be done with it."
He does not respond. Our attention is ripped away from each other as the wolf arrives, circling around us, finishing his hunt.
"Kill her," the wolf prince's words are an echo of my own. The two men are circling each other, not allowing for the space to close between them.
"You said you had done it. You said it was done. Did you lie?" I am trying to make sense of his words. Of this conversation and what is unfolding before me. I can only comprehend that in some way- the great leader and prince of wolves were together.
The same.
"Brothers," I whisper the word but feel the great leader's arm tighten around me.
"Quiet," he whispers back- words spoken too low for the other male to hear. "Not now."
I want to lash out, but the tone is a warning. I had survived long enough to understand that sometimes, in situations such as these, the lesser of two evils had to be chosen.
"It was done," the great leader said, "I watched her die in my arms."
His reminder brings images to my head. I want to take the sword that he claimed he had forged from a fallen star and swing it towards his neck. I want blood. I want his blood.
"Then how the fuck is she still here?"
At that the great leader looks down.
"How are you here, Mikabellum?" His whispered words coil under my skin. It's the tone of voice- that tone that had been used when red silk was draped across and hidden lips risked touching my neck.
"My desire to kill you outweighed my fate to die."
How could I tell him - how could I describe that my mother- the one I looked like - had taken my hands, shown me the red of my blood, and pointed to the burning flames. That the breath she gave became my own. That she pointed to the sins of men and told me how often they underestimated us. That to rise was to bring their ruin- in order to watch them fall.
"Was it Khalid," he murmured. "The male that was your shadow. The one who has been missing since that night."
I don't respond. Instead I look at the wolf prince and how agitated he is becoming. He had seemed so composed in the beginning- giving nothing away - but now he paced, his horse sensing his mood and becoming nervous. He who looked like the male behind me- letting me take in the face that had haunted my dreams as he stood out against the background of battle.
"Kill her. Now. And if you can't then give her to me."
The great leader looks up and in his eyes I see the promise for violence.
"You will not touch her," he said.
The wolf prince laughs, "I think she hates you. I think you're a fool who has become weak. Do it- if you don't kill her now then she's going to stab you in the back later."
"What a way to go," the great leader said. And I knew that if the covering for his face was removed, they would find a savage smile underneath.
His words only serve to irritate the prince more.
"She can't stay alive. She's served her purpose."
"Was my purpose to die?"
Both males look at me, matching eyes taking me in.
"Yes," the prince hisses, "your purpose was to act like a goddess, make them believe- win their hearts- and then die to raise their anger."
My mind slows. My thoughts clear. I take in his words. I hold them- examine the contents. I feel the pieces coming together. The rules for the game we had been playing becoming known.
The great leader interrupts though, spurring his horse to be further away.
Any semblance of order breaks -the wolf prince is advancing- a rabid animal foaming at the mouth wanting to take its teeth and rip apart flesh.
"It's done. It's done- we're so close. You know how close we are to doing this. Don't let a woman- one woman who is a fool to believe your lies- take this away."
"She stays alive."
The wolf prince stares at me. I see his gaze. I know that his desire for my death is still there. He will find a time. Wait- stalk his prey- he will eventually catch me when I am vulnerable and finish the job that the great leader could not complete. His eyes turned to the battlefield. The dying embers of what once was. The dust slowly is settling- settling to show what the results of war look like.
"We need to go," he looks past me, his sentence directed there, "despite your incompetence, the plan is still in place."
The great leader waits until the other male has ridden back- away from us.
I lunge forward and in my action, fall to the ground.
Air is ripped from my lungs as my body hits the earth. The great leader stares down at me, shaking his head with the gleam of amusement in his eyes.
I lay there, looking at the blue of the sky that was turning red from the setting sun. I think of the details I still need to understand this plan. Of the fact that the Elephant King was now dead- and how the target landed not on the front, but the back of his head.
I close my eyes and taste the beginning of defeat. I was becoming tired of this. Of all of this. I could not sense an end- a time when I would actually be free.
I feel his touch- no gloves. He didn't need them anyway- he had already broken the Onism's most sacred rule for me.
"You're alive," the wonder is still there in his voice. I open my eyes and stare into his.
"You killed me."
Silence settles between us.
His hands grab my shoulders, helping me to sit up. I wince at the pain felt in my back. It had been foolish of me to think I could escape from him again.
He continues to look at me- his hands hold my face, cradling it. His fingers trace my cheek, my jaw, my lips. They slide down my neck, one hand curling there while the other grabs my hair and wraps it around. He pulls on it, forcing me to look up. His grip on me becomes tighter- not enough. Not enough to repeat his actions of the past.
"Are you real?" He is close. So so close. He is a sin I will never be rid of. A desire I wish could be gone.
"Did you come back for me?"
I push closer, wrapping my own hand around his. He tenses, body becoming tight as I squeeze my fingers- helping him finish the job this time.
"Yes," I whisper, "I came back to kill you. So kill me. Take your hands and become my undoing again. Give me your sword- let me see you bleed. Let me cut you dry, and then slice it across my wrists so that I can follow you to hell and continue to torment you."
His breathing has become heavy, his body pulling more to mine. I can both see and feel the desire. He uses our hands to push me down, his body coming over me. And it is a moment that describes us. Lust and anger with the sound of war rising to serenade and complete this image.
"The descent to hell would be sweet if you were there waiting for me."
I can almost see the sparks that are rising from us. The air is heavy. My breaths are starting to match his.
"Roark."
His eyes close at the sound of his name. He releases me, using his hands to further cage me in as they land next to my head.
"Take me later, my lioness. Put your claws away for now and hold onto your anger until that time. I will let you have me." I become lost in those eyes- captured and pulled in as he continues speaking. "I've had dreams of that moment. Of your coming to me, and torturing. Taking your hands across my skin and finding pleasure from it in any way you so choose. So later, when it is just us two. Later you can show me your anger - anger that I deserve and am guilty of. But not now. If you are going to complete your promise then you need to stay with me."
"I could complete my promise now," I said.
He shakes his head, "something so intimate...to show my skin to anyone other than you."
"Why do you need to show me- why do I have to see," his scent is coming over me. I can almost taste him. I want to throw the sword away and cover his mouth- with anything, anything- to press against and suffocate him - to take his breath away as he once had stolen my own. I want to feel his warmth slowly fade. I want to have the same knowledge as him of what it feels like to hold something that is dying.
"As the goddess of war, grant me my single wish- that only you- only you, my lioness- can watch me bleed."
"I will," I promised. Like a vow. A vow shared between us. A twisted oath that bound us together- even more, even more.
*high five* we did it fam
BTW I have two new stories out- please take a look and see what you think ;)
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