Chapter Thirty One
HAZELI helped Saskia have the fetus cremated. She named the baby Miguel Cordova Jr. The name was engraved in his tiny urn. I couldn't help but feel a small squeeze in my chest when I saw it. That could've been the name for our future son. Anyone would be wondering why I was helping the woman my fiancee cheated on me with when I should be hating her. Society has a complicated relationship with fidelity. People absolve one end while vilifying the other. When a man strays, it was the other woman who get the hate. I was expected to hate Saskia. Vilify her as the master manipulator who lured my man away. That's the easiest thing to believe and do. But I knew that was far from the truth. Kahit sino pang babae ang maghubad at tumuwad sa harap, if he wasn't a cheat, he would remain faithful. In the movie, the wife and mistress are expected to claw at each other like a bunch of cats fighting to death over a man. I would never stoop that low. Hindi ako makikipagpatayan para sa lalaking ginago ako. My father told me to take advantage of whatever opportunity that comes my way. Hindi ko pakakawalan ito. I wasn't going to take him back because I loved him. I may be a lot of things but I wasn't stupid. Practicality was something I had learned since I was a child. No matter how much he had hurt me, I couldn't deny the fact that I needed him. But I wanted to make sure nobody would get out of this love triangle unscathed. Migs had his share of fun with both of us and it's time we get ours. I wanted this to be a fair game. Saskia would get her share and I would get mine. SASKIAHawak ko sa kamay ko ang abo ng anak namin ni Migs. Maliit lang ang lalagyanan at kasya sa kamay ko. Nakaukit sa puting plorera ang pangalan niya. Dinala ko sa dibdib ko iyon at hindi ko mapigilan ang mapaiyak nang isara ko ang pinto ng kwarto ko.Nasa isang sulok ng kwartong iyon ang mga gamit ni baby. Halos nga kumpleto na yun. Nandoon na ang mga damit niya, mga lampin, may ilang bote na nga rin kaming binili sa kanya, pati nga laruan meron na siya. Excited na excited kasi talaga si Migs sa pagdating niya. Lahat ng makita nitong gamit para sa baby, hindi pwedeng hindi niya bibilhin. Hindi namin alam na hindi na pala niya magagamit ang lahat ng iyon. Nilagay ko ang plorera sa crib na iniregalo sa kanya ng Lolo at Lola niya at tuluyan na akong napahagulgol. Hindi dapat yang ang nasa crib niya. Dapat sanggol ang nandyan. Sa isip ko, nakikita ko ang isang sanggol na may mala-gintong buhok na tulad sa ama niya na nakangiti sa akin habang pinapadyak ang maliliit niyang paa. Bigla akong napaigti ng tumunog ang cellphone ko na nakapatong sa la mesita katabi ng kama. Agad kong pinunasan ang luha ko at dinampot iyon. Nakailang tawag at text na si Migs sa cellphone na iyon. Sabi ni Yuka ilang beses din daw tumawag si Migs para kumustahin ako kahapon, sabi na lang nila na tulog ako."Migs..." Pinigil ko ang panginginig ng boses ko dahil sa nagbabadyang luha."Hey..." Rinig ko ang ngiti mula sa boses niya. "I've been trying to call you since last night. Sabi nina Yuka tulog ka pa raw.""O-oo, napasarap kasi ang tulog ko..." Nilunok ko ang namumuong bukol sa lalamunan ko. "Kumusta naman diyan?""Everything's going smooth. Napadaan ako sa store kanina. I found the perfect stroller for baby." Bakas sa boses niya ang tuwa. "I'll purchase it before we head home there. Kung anu-anong mga nakikita kong magagandang gamit para sa kanya. You know I'm thinking of buying a huge balikbayan box and fill it up with things for the baby. Ang daming magagandang gamit dito.""Migs, huwag na..." Pumiyok ng konti ang boses ko nang kumawala ang hikbi mula sa lalamunan ko. Kinailangan kong ilayo ang cellphone mula sa akin para hindi niya iyon marinig. Huminga ako ng malalim bago ako muling nakapagsalita. "Huwag na. Dito na lang tayo mamili.""There's a lot of baby boutiques here...""Marami din naman botika dito, Migs. Huwag ka na mag-abala. Pagtuunan mo na lang ng pansin yung trabaho mo d'yan." Mahinang sabi ko. "Oh I see. You probably want to be the one to pick things for the baby. Sige, pag-uwi ko tayong dalawa ang mamimili ng mga gamit niya, okay?" Malambing na sabi niya.Hindi ako nakasagot. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na wala na ang baby sa sinapupunan ko. Na abo na lang siya ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung paano ipaliliwanag sa kanya ang lahat. Baka magalit siya sa akin. Baka isipin niya na nawala lang siya ng ilang araw pinabayaan ko na ang anak namin. "Saskia..." Muli siyang nagsalita."B-bakit?""I'll try to be back as soon as I can, I promise. After I'm through with the meeting, I'll probably head to Liverpool myself. Na-locate na ng investigator ang bahay ng dad mo." He said.Kahit na matagal ko nang gustong makilala ang ama ko, hindi ko magawang maging masaya sa narinig ko. "Talaga?" Iyon na lang ang nasabi ko."Yes. Baka makilala pa ni baby ang dad mo." Masayang sabi niya. "Saskia, can I talk to baby?"Lumingon ako sa crib kung nasaan ang abo niya at muling nahilam sa luhang namuo sa mga mata ko. "O-oo naman..."Lumapit ako sa crib at kinuha kko ang maliit na plorera. "Baby Migs, kakausapin ka daw ni Daddy." Niloud speaker ko pa ang phone ko na para bang maririnig talaga ni baby Migs. Sana nga naririnig niya dahil alam kong matutuwa siyang malaman na mahal na mahal namin siya ng daddy niya. Hindi man namin narinig ang unang iyak niya, minahal at patuloy namin siyang mamahalin."Hi baby, how have you been? I can't wait to come home so I can finally be with you. Hayaan mo, bibilisan kong tapusin ang trabaho ko para maksama na kita. Have you been a good kid? You aren't giving Mommy a hard time, are you? Are you taking your vitamins? Are you drinking your milk?" Kinausap siya ni Migs na parang totoong tao na siya katulad ng madalas namin ginagawa.Lalong bumigat ang dibdib ko at parang gripong sa pagtulo ng mga luha ko. Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko para mapigilan ang hikbing gustong kumawala mula sa aking lalamunan. "Saskia, are you taking all your vitamins?" Narinig kong sabi niya."Ah, oo..." Agad na sagot ko."Hindi ka naman nahihirapan?" May halong pag-aalala sa boses niya. "H-hindi naman. Nakakain ka na ba? Nakapagpahinga ka na?" Iniba ko ang usapan."Already did." Sagot niya. "May gusto ka bang ipabili dito?""Wala naman. Gusto ko lang makauwi ka na..." Tuluyan ng nabasag ang boses ko at wala na akong pakialam kung marinig niya akong umiyak. Kailangan ko si Migs. Gusto kong nandito siya sa tabi ko sa panahon na 'to. Pareho dapat namin ipinagluluksa ang pagkawala ng baby namin. "Miss na miss na kita. Miss na miss ka na namin ni baby.""Saskia..." Lumamlam ang boses niya. "I miss you, too. You don't know how bad I miss you right now. Gusto ko na din kayong makasama ni baby. Are you crying? Please, don't cry. Ilang araw lang naman ako dito."Niyakap ko sa dibdib ko ang maliit na plorera at napahagulgol na ko.
MIGSThe investigator I had hired told me that Saskia's father had passed away. They say he was an alcoholic who lived in a low-income neighborhood. He died in a brawl that he was involved with inside a pub some years ago. I didn't exactly know how to tell Saskia about what had happened to her father. I knew the news I was about to tell her would break her heart. "Hey, champ." I heard Dad say while he sat on the opposite side aisle of the jet plane we were in. We were now heading back to the Philippines after fixing the problem we had with our investor and had managed to close another deal with another one. Dad had been prepping me to be the next CEO of Cordova Holdings as Coco didn't have any interest in handling the company. "Yes, Dad?" I averted my eyes from my laptop screen to him. "You've been quiet today. May problema ba?" He asked, concern in his tone."Nothing." I shook my head and then paused, closing my laptop and shifting to face him. "Dad, what do you think of Saskia? I mean, her being the mother of my child?""As long as she's a good mother to my grandchild, wala akong magiging problema sa kanya." "She was a bar girl, Dad." I said in a low tone."I know." Dad apathetically said."And what do you think of that?" I asked."She was a former bar girl. That's what I think because that's what you said she was." He shrugged."It doesn't bother you?""Why should it?""I mean, if someday she becomes a part of our family-""She's my grandchild's mother. She's a part of the family now. She and your child shares the same blood.""Not just the mother of my child, Dad. What if we get married in the future? Magagalit ka ba sa akin kapag ginawa ko yun? Would you let a woman like Saskia be a part of the family? You have a big name, Dad. Are you not worried about what others will think?" I anxiously said."Miggy, what are you talking about?" His brows furrowed. "Hindi ka pinalaki ng Mama mo na ganyan mag-isip.""I've always looked up to you, Dad. You are the pinnacle of everything I dreamt of becoming. You and Mama are the last people I'd want to disappoint.""To hell with anyone who'd think lowly of her. Ikaw ang higit na nakakaalam kung anong klaseng babae siya. She makes you happy. Seeing you this happy would never disappoint me. I've never heard you talked fondly of any woman the way you talked about her. Bawat makita mong bagay, you'd ask if Saskia would like it. Pati sa pagpili mo ng gamit ng baby niyo." His eyes crinkled in the corners when he smiled. I felt my cheeks burning. I didn't even realize I was doing all those. Ngayon lang nang mabanggit ni Dad iyon."Ayokong kwestiyun ang pagkatao ni Saskia dahil sa naging trabaho niya. People are easy to judge what they don't know. I say let them. To hell with them. Hindi ka nila kilala. Hindi nila kilala si Saskia. At hindi nila alam kung gaano ka kasaya sa kanya. Hindi nila nararamdaman ang nararamdaman mo. Kahit anong klaseng babae pa yan, kapag mahal mo ipaglaban mo.""I feel guilty everytime I feel something for Saskia knowing I had hurt Hazel. I... I don't want to have any feelings for her beyond the baby. But there were times when I feel like I'm just using the baby as an excuse to be with her." I exhaled deeply, throwing my body against the plane's comfy couch, as if my own confession had drained me.
"And there's nothing wrong with that. I don't want you to be locked up in act, son. I don't want you to love your pretense. Nothing is more miserable than living a life of inauthenticity. Hindi ako makikialam sa kung anuman ang maging desisyon mo, Miggy. Pero huwag mong lolokohin o paglalaruan si Hazel at Saskia. May mga kapatid kang babae, isipin mo kung sila ang nasa ganitong sitwasyon. You can't have them both. Kung Hazel, si Hazel. Kung si Saskia, si Saskia." Dad said."I just... I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Not Saskia. Not Hazel.""I know, Migs. You're my son. I know you'd never intentionally hurt anyone.""I try to do the right things but I'm just rotten in the inside and it's leaking out of me. Under all these facade, I am... what I am. Tell me the truth, Dad. Do you think I'm a bad person? I'm a horrible person, aren't I?" "You are human and you know what the problem with you is? You are not allowing yourself to be one. People are too complex to fit in a clean category of good and bad. Life is a big grey area, son. One things I'm sure of, you are what you choose to do. Pwede mo pang ma-i-tama ang mga pagkakamali mo. Nothing is fixed."
Dad and I went our seperate ways when the plane landed. He had to go home and I had to go to Saskia. Nangako ako na siya ang unang pupuntahan ko pagbalik ko galing sa London. I felt the excitement of seeing her again bubbling in every fiber of my body. "Kuya Migs..." Yuka looked as if she'd seen a ghost when she opened the door for me. "Nandito ka na pala.""I just arrived from the airport." I let out a wide smile."Mammy, nandito na si Kuya Migs!" She shouted.
"Eh di papasukin mo!" Their mother answered back. "Migs, pasok ka..."I stepped inside the house and thought 'Ah, this was home.'I fondly ruffled Yuka's head and hugged Cosme when he walked towards me. "Kumusta naman kayo?""Okay naman." Tita Sasha answered. "Kumain ka na ba?""Nagdinner na po ako sa eroplano bago lumapag." I answered.Something felt off the moment I walked in. I couldn't put my fingers on it but the vibe of the house felt a little different than usual. Maybe it was because Yuka wasn't playing songs that could be hears ten blocks away from here, Ninang Jodie and Tita Sasha weren't laughing and talking loud you could hear them wherever you are in the house."Hindi mo naman sinabing darating ka." Tita Sasha said."I wanted to surprise Saskia. Nasaan na nga po pala siya?" I asked, looking around. "Nasa kwarto niya. Nagpapahinga. Kakakain lang kasi." Saskia's Ninang answered, lacking emotion in his voice."May pasalubong po pala ako sa inyo." I said, pulling the luggage from behind me. "Salamat. Di ka na sana nag-abala." Tita Sasha quietly said."Pwede po ba akong umakyat? I just want to check on Saskia..." I politely asked.Her Ninang and her mother looked at each other before looking back at me."Sige, akyat ka muna. Medyo masama lang ang pakiramdam ni Saskia ngayon." Her mother said.I went upstairs to her room and when I opened it, I saw her in her bed lying on her side. I closed the door behind me and quietly got in the bed with her. I got into the covers and wrapped an arm around her waist from behind, bending my head down to kiss her shoulder. She shifted and turned her head to me."Migs..." She sat up."Hey." I smiled."A-ano'ng ginagawa mo dito?" "Ayaw mo bang nandito ako?" I teasingly asked, sitting down with her with leaning my back against the headboard."Gusto..." Her voice squeeked and then she threw her arms around me. "Migs..."I encircled my arms around her and pulled her into a tight embrace. "I missed you.""Na miss din kita..." I could hear the soft crack in her voice. "I'm already here. There's no need to cry." I kissed her forehead before cupping her face and drawing it away so I could look at her. "Look, Saskia, I have something to tell you. It's about your Dad. Saskia, your father has been dead for the last fifteen years." She buried her face in my chest and cried. I hugged her tighter, stroking her hair and leaving soft kisses on them. "It's going to be, okay. Nandito lang ako, kami ni baby." My head bent down to her tummy and kissed it. "Hindi ba, baby? We'll always be here for Mommy.""Migs?" I heard her say.My eyes lifted up to her. We both looked at each other as I waited for her to say something. Her eyes were sad and her lips were trembling. She looked as if she wanted to say something but couldn't push the word out of her mouth."Migs, makinig ka sa akin..." She cupped my face in her palms. There was a long pause between us."What's wrong?" I asked, starting to feel worried."Migs, mahal na mahal kita." She pulled me into a hug and began to cry again. "Huwag mo akong iiwan. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko 'pag pati ikaw nawala sa akin.""Saskia..." I said in a soft tone. "I'll never leave you. I promise. I can't even imagine a future without you and our baby Migs or Savina in it."
MIGSThe investigator I had hired told me that Saskia's father had passed away. They say he was an alcoholic who lived in a low-income neighborhood. He died in a brawl that he was involved with inside a pub some years ago. I didn't exactly know how to tell Saskia about what had happened to her father. I knew the news I was about to tell her would break her heart. "Hey, champ." I heard Dad say while he sat on the opposite side aisle of the jet plane we were in. We were now heading back to the Philippines after fixing the problem we had with our investor and had managed to close another deal with another one. Dad had been prepping me to be the next CEO of Cordova Holdings as Coco didn't have any interest in handling the company. "Yes, Dad?" I averted my eyes from my laptop screen to him. "You've been quiet today. May problema ba?" He asked, concern in his tone."Nothing." I shook my head and then paused, closing my laptop and shifting to face him. "Dad, what do you think of Saskia? I mean, her being the mother of my child?""As long as she's a good mother to my grandchild, wala akong magiging problema sa kanya." "She was a bar girl, Dad." I said in a low tone."I know." Dad apathetically said."And what do you think of that?" I asked."She was a former bar girl. That's what I think because that's what you said she was." He shrugged."It doesn't bother you?""Why should it?""I mean, if someday she becomes a part of our family-""She's my grandchild's mother. She's a part of the family now. She and your child shares the same blood.""Not just the mother of my child, Dad. What if we get married in the future? Magagalit ka ba sa akin kapag ginawa ko yun? Would you let a woman like Saskia be a part of the family? You have a big name, Dad. Are you not worried about what others will think?" I anxiously said."Miggy, what are you talking about?" His brows furrowed. "Hindi ka pinalaki ng Mama mo na ganyan mag-isip.""I've always looked up to you, Dad. You are the pinnacle of everything I dreamt of becoming. You and Mama are the last people I'd want to disappoint.""To hell with anyone who'd think lowly of her. Ikaw ang higit na nakakaalam kung anong klaseng babae siya. She makes you happy. Seeing you this happy would never disappoint me. I've never heard you talked fondly of any woman the way you talked about her. Bawat makita mong bagay, you'd ask if Saskia would like it. Pati sa pagpili mo ng gamit ng baby niyo." His eyes crinkled in the corners when he smiled. I felt my cheeks burning. I didn't even realize I was doing all those. Ngayon lang nang mabanggit ni Dad iyon."Ayokong kwestiyun ang pagkatao ni Saskia dahil sa naging trabaho niya. People are easy to judge what they don't know. I say let them. To hell with them. Hindi ka nila kilala. Hindi nila kilala si Saskia. At hindi nila alam kung gaano ka kasaya sa kanya. Hindi nila nararamdaman ang nararamdaman mo. Kahit anong klaseng babae pa yan, kapag mahal mo ipaglaban mo.""I feel guilty everytime I feel something for Saskia knowing I had hurt Hazel. I... I don't want to have any feelings for her beyond the baby. But there were times when I feel like I'm just using the baby as an excuse to be with her." I exhaled deeply, throwing my body against the plane's comfy couch, as if my own confession had drained me.
"And there's nothing wrong with that. I don't want you to be locked up in act, son. I don't want you to love your pretense. Nothing is more miserable than living a life of inauthenticity. Hindi ako makikialam sa kung anuman ang maging desisyon mo, Miggy. Pero huwag mong lolokohin o paglalaruan si Hazel at Saskia. May mga kapatid kang babae, isipin mo kung sila ang nasa ganitong sitwasyon. You can't have them both. Kung Hazel, si Hazel. Kung si Saskia, si Saskia." Dad said."I just... I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Not Saskia. Not Hazel.""I know, Migs. You're my son. I know you'd never intentionally hurt anyone.""I try to do the right things but I'm just rotten in the inside and it's leaking out of me. Under all these facade, I am... what I am. Tell me the truth, Dad. Do you think I'm a bad person? I'm a horrible person, aren't I?" "You are human and you know what the problem with you is? You are not allowing yourself to be one. People are too complex to fit in a clean category of good and bad. Life is a big grey area, son. One things I'm sure of, you are what you choose to do. Pwede mo pang ma-i-tama ang mga pagkakamali mo. Nothing is fixed."
Dad and I went our seperate ways when the plane landed. He had to go home and I had to go to Saskia. Nangako ako na siya ang unang pupuntahan ko pagbalik ko galing sa London. I felt the excitement of seeing her again bubbling in every fiber of my body. "Kuya Migs..." Yuka looked as if she'd seen a ghost when she opened the door for me. "Nandito ka na pala.""I just arrived from the airport." I let out a wide smile."Mammy, nandito na si Kuya Migs!" She shouted.
"Eh di papasukin mo!" Their mother answered back. "Migs, pasok ka..."I stepped inside the house and thought 'Ah, this was home.'I fondly ruffled Yuka's head and hugged Cosme when he walked towards me. "Kumusta naman kayo?""Okay naman." Tita Sasha answered. "Kumain ka na ba?""Nagdinner na po ako sa eroplano bago lumapag." I answered.Something felt off the moment I walked in. I couldn't put my fingers on it but the vibe of the house felt a little different than usual. Maybe it was because Yuka wasn't playing songs that could be hears ten blocks away from here, Ninang Jodie and Tita Sasha weren't laughing and talking loud you could hear them wherever you are in the house."Hindi mo naman sinabing darating ka." Tita Sasha said."I wanted to surprise Saskia. Nasaan na nga po pala siya?" I asked, looking around. "Nasa kwarto niya. Nagpapahinga. Kakakain lang kasi." Saskia's Ninang answered, lacking emotion in his voice."May pasalubong po pala ako sa inyo." I said, pulling the luggage from behind me. "Salamat. Di ka na sana nag-abala." Tita Sasha quietly said."Pwede po ba akong umakyat? I just want to check on Saskia..." I politely asked.Her Ninang and her mother looked at each other before looking back at me."Sige, akyat ka muna. Medyo masama lang ang pakiramdam ni Saskia ngayon." Her mother said.I went upstairs to her room and when I opened it, I saw her in her bed lying on her side. I closed the door behind me and quietly got in the bed with her. I got into the covers and wrapped an arm around her waist from behind, bending my head down to kiss her shoulder. She shifted and turned her head to me."Migs..." She sat up."Hey." I smiled."A-ano'ng ginagawa mo dito?" "Ayaw mo bang nandito ako?" I teasingly asked, sitting down with her with leaning my back against the headboard."Gusto..." Her voice squeeked and then she threw her arms around me. "Migs..."I encircled my arms around her and pulled her into a tight embrace. "I missed you.""Na miss din kita..." I could hear the soft crack in her voice. "I'm already here. There's no need to cry." I kissed her forehead before cupping her face and drawing it away so I could look at her. "Look, Saskia, I have something to tell you. It's about your Dad. Saskia, your father has been dead for the last fifteen years." She buried her face in my chest and cried. I hugged her tighter, stroking her hair and leaving soft kisses on them. "It's going to be, okay. Nandito lang ako, kami ni baby." My head bent down to her tummy and kissed it. "Hindi ba, baby? We'll always be here for Mommy.""Migs?" I heard her say.My eyes lifted up to her. We both looked at each other as I waited for her to say something. Her eyes were sad and her lips were trembling. She looked as if she wanted to say something but couldn't push the word out of her mouth."Migs, makinig ka sa akin..." She cupped my face in her palms. There was a long pause between us."What's wrong?" I asked, starting to feel worried."Migs, mahal na mahal kita." She pulled me into a hug and began to cry again. "Huwag mo akong iiwan. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko 'pag pati ikaw nawala sa akin.""Saskia..." I said in a soft tone. "I'll never leave you. I promise. I can't even imagine a future without you and our baby Migs or Savina in it."
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