Lipstick Lullaby
SASKIADear Daddy,First and for all, I want to thanks you my daddy, my mommy and most of all my parents to bringing me this world. I'm not any heart feelings to you for not see me or meet me and write me. I just want to give update the happenings at my life. Now our life is okay. I'm not dance anymore in the club because I'm pregnant my first child. Your grandpa now. We have beautiful house now and aircon, not hot anymore at summer here. My baby father very good to us and very rich family. I send you picture when baby out of my stomach. I want to know how you feel definition to me? I hope you wrote back. We don't see but I miss you sometimes. Everyday very painful my heart. Thanks and advanced.Your gorjus daughter,Saskia
"Saskia." Nagulat ako ng marinig ko ang boses ni Migs. Lumingon ako at nakita siyang nakatayo sa likod ko. Ngumiti siya sa akin pero iba ang sinasabi ng mga mata niya."Kanina ka pa dito?" Tanong ko sa kanya.Umiling siya. "I just got here. Hinatid ko lang yung grocery na pinamili ko saka may appointment tayo sa doktor ngayon.""Hindi pa ako nakakapag-ayos. Nawala kasi sa isip ko" Nahihiyang sabi ko."It's alright." Inangat niya ang sleeves niya at tinignan ang relo. "We still have an hour.""Migs, yung nangyari sa restaurant noong isang araw... sorry nga pala doon. Kung hindi kita inayang lumabas, hindi sana malalaman ng parents mo." Nagbaba ako ng tingin. Sa totoo lang, naguguilt pa rin ako sa nangyari.Umiling siya at hinatak ang isang upuan bago tumabi sa akin. "It's not your fault. Sasabihin ko din naman sa kanila. Wala akong plano ilihim ang magiging anak natin.""Paano ang magiging asawa mo?" Nakita ko ang pagbagsak ng mukha niya ng mabanggit ko iyon. Hinilamos niya sa mukha niya ang palad niya bago bumuntong-hininga. "I'll tell her about you and our baby. Tatanggapin ko kung anuman ang magiging desisyon niya.""Mahal ka ni Hazel. Sigurado akong maiintindihan ka nun. Siguro magagalit siya sa umpisa pero matatanggap niya rin." Hinawakan ko siya sa kamay at pinisil iyon.Pinilit niyang ngumiti. "Thanks, Saskia.""Kung gusto mo ako ang haharap sa kanya at ipaliliwanag ko sa kanya ang lahat. Na aksidente lang yung nangyari sa atin." Presenta ko."I'll handle this myself. Si baby na lang ang pagtuunan mo ng pansin." Bumaba ang mga mata niya sa tiyan ko. "Will you tell our baby that Daddy loves him or her so much?""Narinig mo yun, baby? Love ka daw ni Daddy." Hinaplos ko ang tiyan ko. Hindi pa lumalaki ang tiyan ko pero ramdam ko na ang pagmamahal ni Migs para sa anak namin. Alam kong magiging mabuti siyang ama pero kahit pagbali-baliktarin ko ang mundo, anak lang sa labas ang magiging baby namin. Ikakasal sila ni Hazel at magkakaron sila ng sarili nilang anak at magiging anak lang sa labas ang anak namin. Bumigat ang dibdib ko ng maisip ko iyon. "Maswerte si Hazel at ang magiging mga anak niyo sa'yo...""I don't think so..." Mapait na sabi niya. "I cheated on her. Hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang baby natin, Saskia. I just feel guilty. Ayaw kong masaktan si Hazel. She doesn't deserve me.""It's spilled milk under the bridge. Nangyari na eh. Nandito na si baby. Ang mahalaga yung pagtama mo sa pagkakamali mo. Hindi mo balak ilihim sa kanya ito. Kasi kung malalaman niya pagkatapos ng kasal niyo, mas masakit yun.""You're right. Kailangan ko na talagang sabihin sa kanya." Tumango siya at nagpakawala ng malalim na buntong-hininga. Bakas sa mukha niya na problemado talaga siya. Tila ba may sariling buhay ang mga kamay ko nang umangat ito at haplusin siya sa pisngi. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero nasasaktan din akong makita siyang nahihirapan. Lalo na't alam ko na kami ng baby ko ang dahilan. Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at naramdaman ko na lang ang mabilis na pagkabog ng dibdib ko. Parang tumigil ang ikot ng mundo, parang huminto ang oras, parang wala nang mahalaga kung hindi siya at ako.Ipinatong niya sa ibabaw ng kamay ko ang kamay niya at marahang ngumiti. "Salamat sa pag-intindi sa sitwasyon ko, Saskia. You're not just a mother to my child, you're also a friend to me now."Muling gumalaw ang oras at umikot ang mundo. Pero nahirapan akong sabayan iyon. Nahirapan ako dahil gusto kong manatili sa mga sandaling iyon. Yung kami lang. Kahit sandali lang, kahit ilusyon lang. Mabilis kong binawi ang kamay ko at nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya. Ako lang ba talaga ang nakaramdam nun? Masyado naman kasi akong ilusyunada. Nahiya ako sa kanya at sa sarili ko. Pahiya konti, bukas bawi."Ano bang sinusulat mo diyan?" Pinagtuunan niya ng pansin ang papel sa harap ko."Sulat para sa Daddy ko." Mahinang sabi ko."Can I read it?" Tanong niya.Tumango ako.Kinuha niya ang papel at binasa iyon. Maya-maya ay binaba niya ang papel. "You want me to help you with writing?""Madami bang mali?" Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko."Just minor errors. Pero naiintindihan ko naman yung sulat. I understand what you're trying to say." Sabi niya."Minor errors." Humaba ang nguso ko. "Huwag mo nga akong lokohin. Alam ko naman mali-mali yan. Siguro kaya hindi ako sinusulatan ng tatay ko kasi di niya maintindihan. Nahihiya naman akong humingi ng tulong kay Cosme kasi ako yung Ate tapos ako pa yung magpapaturo sa kanya.""English is a very complicated language to non-native speakers. Hindi naman mahalaga kung tama o mali. Ang mahalaga naiintindihan ang gusto mong iparating. I'm actually impressed with how you're able to express yourself in this letter.""Talaga?" Tanong ko.Ngumiti siya. "You just need to learn how to put the right words together in the right order. You misplace some words, and miss a few out of the sentence but it's pretty understandable. The important thing is that you're trying. You have to try because that's how you learn.""Try and try until you die."Lalong lumawak ang ngiti niya at parang nahulog ang puso ko. Mas guwapo talaga siya pag masaya siya at maaliwalas ang mukha niya. "Yes, sometimes you have to go after what you really want to attain or die trying."Tinulunga niya akong ayusin ang sulat para sa Daddy ko at pagkatapos ay nag-ayos na ako para sa appointment namin sa doktor. "Ma'am, dadalhin ko lang si Saskia sa doktor niya para sa monthly checkup." Magalang na paalam ni Migs kay Mammy."Ano ba yan, Migs? Mukha ba akong titser para i-ma'am mo? Tatay ka na nang apo ko. Mammy na lang." Sabi niya."My naman." Nahihiyang sabi ko."Kung ayaw mo edi Sasha na lang para parang bagets pa rin ako." Sabi ni Mammy. "O kaya Mamang Sasha. Yun tawag sa akin dati ng mga alaga ko sa bar.""My, enrollment na nga pala namin. Paano yan malayo na yung school namin dito?" Tanong ni Yuka habang abala sa pagdutdot sa iPhone niya."Meron naman eskwelahan malapit dito. Doon ko na lang kayo i-eenroll.""May university malapit dito. Isa sa dahilan kung bakit pinili ko itong lugar para sa inyo dahil alam kong nag-aaral pa si Yuka at Cosme. Doon niyo na lang po i-enroll ang mga bata. I'll take care of their tuition, books, and whatever they need.""Di nga?" Nag-angat ng tingin si Yuka kay Migs at nanlaki ang singkit na mga mata nito sa gulat. "Oh my gosh! My, mag-aaral ako sa private school?!""Nako, Migs, kahit huwag na. Sanay naman yang dalawa sa public school." Kontra ko."Saskia, it's fine. My family's been sponsoring students and giving out scholarships for years. Ano pa kaya si Yuka at Cosme? They're my child's Aunt and Uncle." Sabi niya. "YES!" Lumundag si Yuka sa sofa. "Mag-aaral na ako sa private school! Ang bongga naman nito! Maiingit sa akin yung mga dati kong kaklase!""Yuka, masira mo yung sofa natin! Bumaba ka nga diyan! Kukurutin kita sa singit!" Galit na sabi ni Mammy."Ang dami mo nang naitulong sa amin, Migs. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakabawi sa'yo." "Para naman sa kinabukasan ng mga bata ito. Education is something you should never compromise. Yan yung dapat hindi pinanghihinayangan. They'll be able to use what they've learned in the long run." "Saka si Cosme, matalino yan. Hindi ka talaga manghihinayang sa pagpapaaral sa batang yan. Kahit nga pabaunan ko yan ng trenta pesos araw-araw, hindi na ako manghihinayang." Pagyayabang ni Mammy."I agree. I want to give them the best education possible." Sabi ni Migs."Cosme, mag-aaral na tayo sa private school!" Tuwang-tuwa si Yuka nang bumaba si Cosme. "Pag-aaralin daw tayo ni Kuya Migs!""Talaga Kuya Migs?" Halos magkanda-dapadapa na siya sa pagmamadaling bumaba sa hagdan."Yes." Nakangiting sagot niya. "I only ask one thing from you two, pagbutihin niyo ang pag-aaral niyo.""Syempre, Kuya, mas mapapabuti na ang pag-aaral namin. May aircon na sa classroom eh. Hindi na kami tatagaktak sa pawis habang nakikinig sa klase. Saka wala nang dugyot na boys na aali-aligid sa akin. Hindi ba lahat ng private school may aircon? Sabi kasi ng classmate ko dati na nagtransfer sa private." Sabi ni Yuka.Tumawa ng bahagya si Migs. "I guess. I'll have to ask when I enroll you two.""Yuka, yung bibig mo walang preno! Hindi tayo dugong bughaw ah. Ngayon lang nga tayo nakaranas ng aircon, huwag ka nang maarte." Inirapan ko siya."Kailangan na namin umalis ng Ate niyo. Baka malate kami sa appointment sa doktor. I'm excited to see our baby." Hinaplos ni Migs ang tiyan ko. Bakas sa mga mata niya ang tuwa habang nakatingin doon."Sige, mag-ingat kayo." Sabi ni Mammy."Ano bang gusto niyong kainin? Dadalhan na lang namin kayo ng pasalubong." Tanong ni Migs sa mga bata."Kuya, gusto ko ng Starbucks." Agad na sabi ni Yuka. Ubod talaga ng kapal ang balat ng batang ito. Yung isang kape na binili namin doon noon, halaga na ng isang araw na budget namin."Yuka, huwag na doon. Ang mahal mahal naman ng mga gusto mo, mag init ka na lang ng tubig diyan at pagtimpla mo ang sarili mo ng kape." Sabi ko sa kanya. "Ako, Ate, kahit yung burger na lang sa Angel's." Sagot ni Cosme."Yuck! Sana man lang sa Mcdo naman." Si Yuka. "Yung cheeseburger ako na may shake shake fries saka coke float. Saka yung swirly bits.""May Mcdonald's naman sa baba ng ospital na pupuntahan natin." Sabi ni Migs. "Ikaw, Cosme? Hindi ba gusto mo yung kidney meal?" Tanong ko sa kanya."Ate, kiddie meal." Sabi ni Cosme.Umalis na kami ni Migs at sumakay ako sa kotse niya. Umupo ako sa tabi niya habang nagmamaneho siya."Pagpasensyahan mo na si Yuka. Ganon talaga yung kapatid kong yun eh. Masyadong ilusyunada." Mana lang sa akin."No worries. I understand. She's a teenager." Tumawa siya ng bahagya. "I honestly love being around your family. Everything just feels easy and light with you and them.""Bakit? Hindi ba ganon sa pamilya niyo?" Tanong ko sa kanya. "Mukha naman mabait ang Mama at Daddy mo.""Mama, Dad, and my siblings are the best. It's just that, I don't know, as the eldest I feel like I have to maintain an image of what they expect from me.""So hindi pamilya mo ang may problema. Ikaw lang talaga?" Tumaas ang isang kilay ko."I guess." Hindi niya naman dineny. "I guess I feel like the real me isn't good enough. I don't believe I'm good enough. So I try to be the best son to my parents, the best brother to my siblings, the best boyfriend to Hazel, I try to be the best in everything. And I hate myself in the process, Saskia. I don't even know who I am anymore without my facade."Ramdam ko ang lungkot sa tinig niya. Yung pakiramdam na nang-iisa ka lang, yung walang nakakaintindi sa'yo. Parang nararamdaman ko ang mga nararamdaman niya."Migs, hindi mo naman kailangan maging best sa lahat ng bagay. Hindi mo naman kailangan na parating ipakita sa kanila na malakas ka. Hindi ka naman robot, tao ka lang. Hindi mo naman kailangan ipakita sa kanila palagi na perfect ka. Gwapo ka lang, hindi ka perpekto. Katulad naman nila napapagod ka rin, umiiyak ka, umuutot ka rin, dumudumi ka."Napuno ang kotse niya ng malakas ng tawa niya. Maya-maya ay humina ito hanggang sa tumigil siya. Pinihit niya ang ulo niya para titigan ako sandali. "You know, Saskia, I feel like you're the only one who sees through me."
HAZEL"Migs, honey?" I gently patted the napkin around my lips and carefully laid it down the table. His spine stiffened as he lifted his gaze up at me. I forced a smile but it was very constrained because I wanted not to smile but to sigh. "Kanina ka pa walang kibo diyan."He looked at me for a moment, his eyes scanning my face. "Hazel, I'm sorry..."I had this feeling that he was apologizing for something else. I swallowed, putting moisture to my throat. Migs hadn't been himself since the bachelor party. Hindi naman ako tanga o manhid. I knew something was going and the woman who walked into his office had something to do with it. I just kept it to myself and tried to put the pieces together. I came up with the conclusion that he was having an affair with the woman. We had been together for two years and Migs had been nothing short of a perfect boyfriend. This was just a phase he was going through. Maybe he got overwhelmed with the idea of being stuck with one woman for the rest of his life and had once crazy night with that woman. "Do you remember the hydroelectric power plant Dad was planning to build?" I tried to sound enthusiastic even though I felt like I was dying in the inside. "He had a meeting with some investors from UAE who are interest in funding his project. They're really eager to have him push through with his plans. Isn't that amazing?"Migs let out a smile that didn't reach his eyes and nodded his head."You don't seem like you're enjoying your food." My eyes lowered to his plate. He was playing with his food with the fork he had in his hand."I am..." He silently said and put the fork down when he probably realized what he was doing."Baka naman ibang pagkain ang hinahanap mo?" I cocked a brow, trying to hide the bite in my tone. I let out a playful chuckle. "Wala naman pumipilit sa'yo na kainin yan. We can order something else if you want.""No, the food's fine." He said. "Migs, is it really what you wanted?" I sighed, my shoulders sagging. "O-ofcourse..." He tried to sound lively. Take the serious tone and transform it into something lighter. It sounded so fake.I had no doubt in my mind that Migs loves me. He had told me countless times before. Nagkamali lang siya at tatanggapin ko ang pagkakamali niyang iyon. Call me a martyr but I wanted so bad to marry him. We'd already had an engagement party. My family, his family, and everyone were expecting us to get married. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. And what would people say if we call the wedding off? People would ask. Paano ko sila sasagutin? Paano ko sila haharapin? Ano ang sasabihin ko? I lifted a glass of wine and gulped it down to calm my insides. Hindi masisira ng isang pagkakamali ang relasyon na ito. I decided to push that thought away and tried to act normal. Ignore is a bliss they say.We shared a quiet dinner together and then we decided to head home after. I didn't bother calling my driver as he offered to drop me off. "Hazel..." He said, pulling up in front of our house. I turned my head to him and smiled. He took my hand in his and brought it to his lips. "Oh Hazel, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you." He exhaled."Bakit mo naman na sabi yan?""Because the past two years we've been together, you've been a wonderful girlfriend. You are so perfect. You are everything I've ever wanted." I could sense the sadness in his voice. I could feel his anxiety and guilt in his actions and words. It surrounded him like an opaque aura, like an invisible leprosy devouring his skin. "Miggy..." My eyes softened as I looked at him. "I ruined everything, Hazel. I ruined our relationship." His voice cracked. "What do you mean?" My brows furrowed."I slept with a woman and got pregnant." Migs' face sagged with a weary resignation. Just like that, my whole world collapsed before my very eyes. My hands clenched into fists on my lap. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I felt nauseous. I was lost for words. Gusto kong magwala. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto ko siyang saktan. How could he do this to me? How could he cheat on me? I had loved and admired him for so many years. I'd spent two years of my life with him. I already had our future planned out. We were going to live in an italian style house with our two children and we'd probably even get them a dog. And now this?Matatanggap ko pa sana kung may nakasiping siyang ibang babae pero ang mabuntis niya ito? Hindi ko matatanggap iyon. Hindi ko kayang isingit ang anak niya sa ibang babae sa plano ko para sa amin at ng magiging pamilya namin. How could I even face others once they find out about his child with another woman? We wouldn't be able to keep it from people. They'd be talking behind my back about me. I'd be the poor idiot who got cheated on by her fiance."Hon, say something..." He squeezed my hand. "Magalit ka sa akin. Saktan mo ako kung gusto mo. Huwag lang ganito."I just stared at him, my eyes void of any emotions. If there was one thing I'm good at, it's keeping my emotions in. I'd been trained since I was a child. I was taught to sweep my feelings under the rug and mop of my emotions. They were nothing but mess. Emotions complicate everything. As the future heiress, I was taught to hold myself together at all time, to always keep my feelings hidden, to not move without approval or speak without proper opinion. My father told me that personal emotions would only keep you from making the best professional decisions."Hazel..." Desperation resonated in his tone. "It's late. You should go home." I tried to keep my voice steady."We need to talk." His eyes were begging me. "I'm sorry, Hazel. I'm so sorry. I know nothing in this world will ever undo the mistake I did. Pero sana mapatawad mo ako.""We'll talk some other day. Wala akong time ngayon. I need to finish my presentation for tomorrow." I swallowed, keeping it as casual as I could. I kept the turmoil inside me from brimming. Only the outside mattered. Maintaining my composure was all I was focused on. In a casino, keeping a poker face is an essential skill for gamblers. It prevents opponents from reading your emotions while you think of the next step. It's like that in the world I am in. Business is nothing but a big gambling jungle. You have to be detached, you have to be consistent in apathy while you think ten steps ahead. I was using the very same skills I'd learned from Dad now. I couldn't just break up with him. I couldn't let my emotions run me. I needed to think this through. I thought of my family, they were expecting us to get married. The company would do fine without the Cordova but merging with them would immensely boost our company's stock price. Maraming mawawala sa akin kapag iniwan ko si Migs. I needed to calculate the risks.I pushed the car door open and stepped out. The tears I'd been holding in flowed down my cheeks as I walked. I harshly wiped it away.
"Saskia." Nagulat ako ng marinig ko ang boses ni Migs. Lumingon ako at nakita siyang nakatayo sa likod ko. Ngumiti siya sa akin pero iba ang sinasabi ng mga mata niya."Kanina ka pa dito?" Tanong ko sa kanya.Umiling siya. "I just got here. Hinatid ko lang yung grocery na pinamili ko saka may appointment tayo sa doktor ngayon.""Hindi pa ako nakakapag-ayos. Nawala kasi sa isip ko" Nahihiyang sabi ko."It's alright." Inangat niya ang sleeves niya at tinignan ang relo. "We still have an hour.""Migs, yung nangyari sa restaurant noong isang araw... sorry nga pala doon. Kung hindi kita inayang lumabas, hindi sana malalaman ng parents mo." Nagbaba ako ng tingin. Sa totoo lang, naguguilt pa rin ako sa nangyari.Umiling siya at hinatak ang isang upuan bago tumabi sa akin. "It's not your fault. Sasabihin ko din naman sa kanila. Wala akong plano ilihim ang magiging anak natin.""Paano ang magiging asawa mo?" Nakita ko ang pagbagsak ng mukha niya ng mabanggit ko iyon. Hinilamos niya sa mukha niya ang palad niya bago bumuntong-hininga. "I'll tell her about you and our baby. Tatanggapin ko kung anuman ang magiging desisyon niya.""Mahal ka ni Hazel. Sigurado akong maiintindihan ka nun. Siguro magagalit siya sa umpisa pero matatanggap niya rin." Hinawakan ko siya sa kamay at pinisil iyon.Pinilit niyang ngumiti. "Thanks, Saskia.""Kung gusto mo ako ang haharap sa kanya at ipaliliwanag ko sa kanya ang lahat. Na aksidente lang yung nangyari sa atin." Presenta ko."I'll handle this myself. Si baby na lang ang pagtuunan mo ng pansin." Bumaba ang mga mata niya sa tiyan ko. "Will you tell our baby that Daddy loves him or her so much?""Narinig mo yun, baby? Love ka daw ni Daddy." Hinaplos ko ang tiyan ko. Hindi pa lumalaki ang tiyan ko pero ramdam ko na ang pagmamahal ni Migs para sa anak namin. Alam kong magiging mabuti siyang ama pero kahit pagbali-baliktarin ko ang mundo, anak lang sa labas ang magiging baby namin. Ikakasal sila ni Hazel at magkakaron sila ng sarili nilang anak at magiging anak lang sa labas ang anak namin. Bumigat ang dibdib ko ng maisip ko iyon. "Maswerte si Hazel at ang magiging mga anak niyo sa'yo...""I don't think so..." Mapait na sabi niya. "I cheated on her. Hindi ko pinagsisisihan ang baby natin, Saskia. I just feel guilty. Ayaw kong masaktan si Hazel. She doesn't deserve me.""It's spilled milk under the bridge. Nangyari na eh. Nandito na si baby. Ang mahalaga yung pagtama mo sa pagkakamali mo. Hindi mo balak ilihim sa kanya ito. Kasi kung malalaman niya pagkatapos ng kasal niyo, mas masakit yun.""You're right. Kailangan ko na talagang sabihin sa kanya." Tumango siya at nagpakawala ng malalim na buntong-hininga. Bakas sa mukha niya na problemado talaga siya. Tila ba may sariling buhay ang mga kamay ko nang umangat ito at haplusin siya sa pisngi. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero nasasaktan din akong makita siyang nahihirapan. Lalo na't alam ko na kami ng baby ko ang dahilan. Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at naramdaman ko na lang ang mabilis na pagkabog ng dibdib ko. Parang tumigil ang ikot ng mundo, parang huminto ang oras, parang wala nang mahalaga kung hindi siya at ako.Ipinatong niya sa ibabaw ng kamay ko ang kamay niya at marahang ngumiti. "Salamat sa pag-intindi sa sitwasyon ko, Saskia. You're not just a mother to my child, you're also a friend to me now."Muling gumalaw ang oras at umikot ang mundo. Pero nahirapan akong sabayan iyon. Nahirapan ako dahil gusto kong manatili sa mga sandaling iyon. Yung kami lang. Kahit sandali lang, kahit ilusyon lang. Mabilis kong binawi ang kamay ko at nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya. Ako lang ba talaga ang nakaramdam nun? Masyado naman kasi akong ilusyunada. Nahiya ako sa kanya at sa sarili ko. Pahiya konti, bukas bawi."Ano bang sinusulat mo diyan?" Pinagtuunan niya ng pansin ang papel sa harap ko."Sulat para sa Daddy ko." Mahinang sabi ko."Can I read it?" Tanong niya.Tumango ako.Kinuha niya ang papel at binasa iyon. Maya-maya ay binaba niya ang papel. "You want me to help you with writing?""Madami bang mali?" Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko."Just minor errors. Pero naiintindihan ko naman yung sulat. I understand what you're trying to say." Sabi niya."Minor errors." Humaba ang nguso ko. "Huwag mo nga akong lokohin. Alam ko naman mali-mali yan. Siguro kaya hindi ako sinusulatan ng tatay ko kasi di niya maintindihan. Nahihiya naman akong humingi ng tulong kay Cosme kasi ako yung Ate tapos ako pa yung magpapaturo sa kanya.""English is a very complicated language to non-native speakers. Hindi naman mahalaga kung tama o mali. Ang mahalaga naiintindihan ang gusto mong iparating. I'm actually impressed with how you're able to express yourself in this letter.""Talaga?" Tanong ko.Ngumiti siya. "You just need to learn how to put the right words together in the right order. You misplace some words, and miss a few out of the sentence but it's pretty understandable. The important thing is that you're trying. You have to try because that's how you learn.""Try and try until you die."Lalong lumawak ang ngiti niya at parang nahulog ang puso ko. Mas guwapo talaga siya pag masaya siya at maaliwalas ang mukha niya. "Yes, sometimes you have to go after what you really want to attain or die trying."Tinulunga niya akong ayusin ang sulat para sa Daddy ko at pagkatapos ay nag-ayos na ako para sa appointment namin sa doktor. "Ma'am, dadalhin ko lang si Saskia sa doktor niya para sa monthly checkup." Magalang na paalam ni Migs kay Mammy."Ano ba yan, Migs? Mukha ba akong titser para i-ma'am mo? Tatay ka na nang apo ko. Mammy na lang." Sabi niya."My naman." Nahihiyang sabi ko."Kung ayaw mo edi Sasha na lang para parang bagets pa rin ako." Sabi ni Mammy. "O kaya Mamang Sasha. Yun tawag sa akin dati ng mga alaga ko sa bar.""My, enrollment na nga pala namin. Paano yan malayo na yung school namin dito?" Tanong ni Yuka habang abala sa pagdutdot sa iPhone niya."Meron naman eskwelahan malapit dito. Doon ko na lang kayo i-eenroll.""May university malapit dito. Isa sa dahilan kung bakit pinili ko itong lugar para sa inyo dahil alam kong nag-aaral pa si Yuka at Cosme. Doon niyo na lang po i-enroll ang mga bata. I'll take care of their tuition, books, and whatever they need.""Di nga?" Nag-angat ng tingin si Yuka kay Migs at nanlaki ang singkit na mga mata nito sa gulat. "Oh my gosh! My, mag-aaral ako sa private school?!""Nako, Migs, kahit huwag na. Sanay naman yang dalawa sa public school." Kontra ko."Saskia, it's fine. My family's been sponsoring students and giving out scholarships for years. Ano pa kaya si Yuka at Cosme? They're my child's Aunt and Uncle." Sabi niya. "YES!" Lumundag si Yuka sa sofa. "Mag-aaral na ako sa private school! Ang bongga naman nito! Maiingit sa akin yung mga dati kong kaklase!""Yuka, masira mo yung sofa natin! Bumaba ka nga diyan! Kukurutin kita sa singit!" Galit na sabi ni Mammy."Ang dami mo nang naitulong sa amin, Migs. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakabawi sa'yo." "Para naman sa kinabukasan ng mga bata ito. Education is something you should never compromise. Yan yung dapat hindi pinanghihinayangan. They'll be able to use what they've learned in the long run." "Saka si Cosme, matalino yan. Hindi ka talaga manghihinayang sa pagpapaaral sa batang yan. Kahit nga pabaunan ko yan ng trenta pesos araw-araw, hindi na ako manghihinayang." Pagyayabang ni Mammy."I agree. I want to give them the best education possible." Sabi ni Migs."Cosme, mag-aaral na tayo sa private school!" Tuwang-tuwa si Yuka nang bumaba si Cosme. "Pag-aaralin daw tayo ni Kuya Migs!""Talaga Kuya Migs?" Halos magkanda-dapadapa na siya sa pagmamadaling bumaba sa hagdan."Yes." Nakangiting sagot niya. "I only ask one thing from you two, pagbutihin niyo ang pag-aaral niyo.""Syempre, Kuya, mas mapapabuti na ang pag-aaral namin. May aircon na sa classroom eh. Hindi na kami tatagaktak sa pawis habang nakikinig sa klase. Saka wala nang dugyot na boys na aali-aligid sa akin. Hindi ba lahat ng private school may aircon? Sabi kasi ng classmate ko dati na nagtransfer sa private." Sabi ni Yuka.Tumawa ng bahagya si Migs. "I guess. I'll have to ask when I enroll you two.""Yuka, yung bibig mo walang preno! Hindi tayo dugong bughaw ah. Ngayon lang nga tayo nakaranas ng aircon, huwag ka nang maarte." Inirapan ko siya."Kailangan na namin umalis ng Ate niyo. Baka malate kami sa appointment sa doktor. I'm excited to see our baby." Hinaplos ni Migs ang tiyan ko. Bakas sa mga mata niya ang tuwa habang nakatingin doon."Sige, mag-ingat kayo." Sabi ni Mammy."Ano bang gusto niyong kainin? Dadalhan na lang namin kayo ng pasalubong." Tanong ni Migs sa mga bata."Kuya, gusto ko ng Starbucks." Agad na sabi ni Yuka. Ubod talaga ng kapal ang balat ng batang ito. Yung isang kape na binili namin doon noon, halaga na ng isang araw na budget namin."Yuka, huwag na doon. Ang mahal mahal naman ng mga gusto mo, mag init ka na lang ng tubig diyan at pagtimpla mo ang sarili mo ng kape." Sabi ko sa kanya. "Ako, Ate, kahit yung burger na lang sa Angel's." Sagot ni Cosme."Yuck! Sana man lang sa Mcdo naman." Si Yuka. "Yung cheeseburger ako na may shake shake fries saka coke float. Saka yung swirly bits.""May Mcdonald's naman sa baba ng ospital na pupuntahan natin." Sabi ni Migs. "Ikaw, Cosme? Hindi ba gusto mo yung kidney meal?" Tanong ko sa kanya."Ate, kiddie meal." Sabi ni Cosme.Umalis na kami ni Migs at sumakay ako sa kotse niya. Umupo ako sa tabi niya habang nagmamaneho siya."Pagpasensyahan mo na si Yuka. Ganon talaga yung kapatid kong yun eh. Masyadong ilusyunada." Mana lang sa akin."No worries. I understand. She's a teenager." Tumawa siya ng bahagya. "I honestly love being around your family. Everything just feels easy and light with you and them.""Bakit? Hindi ba ganon sa pamilya niyo?" Tanong ko sa kanya. "Mukha naman mabait ang Mama at Daddy mo.""Mama, Dad, and my siblings are the best. It's just that, I don't know, as the eldest I feel like I have to maintain an image of what they expect from me.""So hindi pamilya mo ang may problema. Ikaw lang talaga?" Tumaas ang isang kilay ko."I guess." Hindi niya naman dineny. "I guess I feel like the real me isn't good enough. I don't believe I'm good enough. So I try to be the best son to my parents, the best brother to my siblings, the best boyfriend to Hazel, I try to be the best in everything. And I hate myself in the process, Saskia. I don't even know who I am anymore without my facade."Ramdam ko ang lungkot sa tinig niya. Yung pakiramdam na nang-iisa ka lang, yung walang nakakaintindi sa'yo. Parang nararamdaman ko ang mga nararamdaman niya."Migs, hindi mo naman kailangan maging best sa lahat ng bagay. Hindi mo naman kailangan na parating ipakita sa kanila na malakas ka. Hindi ka naman robot, tao ka lang. Hindi mo naman kailangan ipakita sa kanila palagi na perfect ka. Gwapo ka lang, hindi ka perpekto. Katulad naman nila napapagod ka rin, umiiyak ka, umuutot ka rin, dumudumi ka."Napuno ang kotse niya ng malakas ng tawa niya. Maya-maya ay humina ito hanggang sa tumigil siya. Pinihit niya ang ulo niya para titigan ako sandali. "You know, Saskia, I feel like you're the only one who sees through me."
HAZEL"Migs, honey?" I gently patted the napkin around my lips and carefully laid it down the table. His spine stiffened as he lifted his gaze up at me. I forced a smile but it was very constrained because I wanted not to smile but to sigh. "Kanina ka pa walang kibo diyan."He looked at me for a moment, his eyes scanning my face. "Hazel, I'm sorry..."I had this feeling that he was apologizing for something else. I swallowed, putting moisture to my throat. Migs hadn't been himself since the bachelor party. Hindi naman ako tanga o manhid. I knew something was going and the woman who walked into his office had something to do with it. I just kept it to myself and tried to put the pieces together. I came up with the conclusion that he was having an affair with the woman. We had been together for two years and Migs had been nothing short of a perfect boyfriend. This was just a phase he was going through. Maybe he got overwhelmed with the idea of being stuck with one woman for the rest of his life and had once crazy night with that woman. "Do you remember the hydroelectric power plant Dad was planning to build?" I tried to sound enthusiastic even though I felt like I was dying in the inside. "He had a meeting with some investors from UAE who are interest in funding his project. They're really eager to have him push through with his plans. Isn't that amazing?"Migs let out a smile that didn't reach his eyes and nodded his head."You don't seem like you're enjoying your food." My eyes lowered to his plate. He was playing with his food with the fork he had in his hand."I am..." He silently said and put the fork down when he probably realized what he was doing."Baka naman ibang pagkain ang hinahanap mo?" I cocked a brow, trying to hide the bite in my tone. I let out a playful chuckle. "Wala naman pumipilit sa'yo na kainin yan. We can order something else if you want.""No, the food's fine." He said. "Migs, is it really what you wanted?" I sighed, my shoulders sagging. "O-ofcourse..." He tried to sound lively. Take the serious tone and transform it into something lighter. It sounded so fake.I had no doubt in my mind that Migs loves me. He had told me countless times before. Nagkamali lang siya at tatanggapin ko ang pagkakamali niyang iyon. Call me a martyr but I wanted so bad to marry him. We'd already had an engagement party. My family, his family, and everyone were expecting us to get married. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. And what would people say if we call the wedding off? People would ask. Paano ko sila sasagutin? Paano ko sila haharapin? Ano ang sasabihin ko? I lifted a glass of wine and gulped it down to calm my insides. Hindi masisira ng isang pagkakamali ang relasyon na ito. I decided to push that thought away and tried to act normal. Ignore is a bliss they say.We shared a quiet dinner together and then we decided to head home after. I didn't bother calling my driver as he offered to drop me off. "Hazel..." He said, pulling up in front of our house. I turned my head to him and smiled. He took my hand in his and brought it to his lips. "Oh Hazel, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve you." He exhaled."Bakit mo naman na sabi yan?""Because the past two years we've been together, you've been a wonderful girlfriend. You are so perfect. You are everything I've ever wanted." I could sense the sadness in his voice. I could feel his anxiety and guilt in his actions and words. It surrounded him like an opaque aura, like an invisible leprosy devouring his skin. "Miggy..." My eyes softened as I looked at him. "I ruined everything, Hazel. I ruined our relationship." His voice cracked. "What do you mean?" My brows furrowed."I slept with a woman and got pregnant." Migs' face sagged with a weary resignation. Just like that, my whole world collapsed before my very eyes. My hands clenched into fists on my lap. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I felt nauseous. I was lost for words. Gusto kong magwala. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto ko siyang saktan. How could he do this to me? How could he cheat on me? I had loved and admired him for so many years. I'd spent two years of my life with him. I already had our future planned out. We were going to live in an italian style house with our two children and we'd probably even get them a dog. And now this?Matatanggap ko pa sana kung may nakasiping siyang ibang babae pero ang mabuntis niya ito? Hindi ko matatanggap iyon. Hindi ko kayang isingit ang anak niya sa ibang babae sa plano ko para sa amin at ng magiging pamilya namin. How could I even face others once they find out about his child with another woman? We wouldn't be able to keep it from people. They'd be talking behind my back about me. I'd be the poor idiot who got cheated on by her fiance."Hon, say something..." He squeezed my hand. "Magalit ka sa akin. Saktan mo ako kung gusto mo. Huwag lang ganito."I just stared at him, my eyes void of any emotions. If there was one thing I'm good at, it's keeping my emotions in. I'd been trained since I was a child. I was taught to sweep my feelings under the rug and mop of my emotions. They were nothing but mess. Emotions complicate everything. As the future heiress, I was taught to hold myself together at all time, to always keep my feelings hidden, to not move without approval or speak without proper opinion. My father told me that personal emotions would only keep you from making the best professional decisions."Hazel..." Desperation resonated in his tone. "It's late. You should go home." I tried to keep my voice steady."We need to talk." His eyes were begging me. "I'm sorry, Hazel. I'm so sorry. I know nothing in this world will ever undo the mistake I did. Pero sana mapatawad mo ako.""We'll talk some other day. Wala akong time ngayon. I need to finish my presentation for tomorrow." I swallowed, keeping it as casual as I could. I kept the turmoil inside me from brimming. Only the outside mattered. Maintaining my composure was all I was focused on. In a casino, keeping a poker face is an essential skill for gamblers. It prevents opponents from reading your emotions while you think of the next step. It's like that in the world I am in. Business is nothing but a big gambling jungle. You have to be detached, you have to be consistent in apathy while you think ten steps ahead. I was using the very same skills I'd learned from Dad now. I couldn't just break up with him. I couldn't let my emotions run me. I needed to think this through. I thought of my family, they were expecting us to get married. The company would do fine without the Cordova but merging with them would immensely boost our company's stock price. Maraming mawawala sa akin kapag iniwan ko si Migs. I needed to calculate the risks.I pushed the car door open and stepped out. The tears I'd been holding in flowed down my cheeks as I walked. I harshly wiped it away.
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