ZingTruyen.Xyz

How To Find Your Soulmate

Chapter 6

He returned fully dressed and I hated the disappointment I felt at seeing his body no longer exposed. I have seen many people naked before, not countless, but enough to be somewhat immune to nakedness. I certainly wouldn't feel excited if a man or woman walked in here without their clothes, but apparently, the story was different when the man is your ex who you used to be completely crazy in love with.

It surely didn't help that I could still feel his hands on me still and still taste his kisses. Kongpob is lucky that I am a decent person, that I was the one who found him at that bar, and that I had good self-control otherwise if he had done any of the things he did to me to a lesser man they wouldn't have been able to stop themselves from taking advantage of him.

Damn him, I thought as I watched him come over to the kitchen counter all calm and poised, his hair combed back, his lips still looking red and his neck showing a little bite mark that I had made. He turned me on, damn it. I have never been so sexually frustrated in my life since I started having sex with people. More often than not, sex itself was a chore that occasionally got pleasurable. It was something I did for no reason though Rin would probably say that I was doing it to punish myself.

For the first time, I felt the temptation that led people to commit crimes, the desire to take without consent. I wanted to push Kongpob down even now and do all the things he begged me to do last night. Bite every inch of his skin, kiss them afterward and satiate the desire that threatened to drive me insane last night. I withstood the temptation easily when Mimi was with me but the moment we separated and I was in that bedroom with Kongpob alone, it took everything in me not to touch him, not to cross that line.

"P'Arthit?"

I started at his face that was staring at me and my face went up in flames. What am I thinking?! "What!" I raised my voice and glared in retaliation.

Kongpob flinched away from me. "I'm sorry. You are angry. That means I did something wrong last night. I don't know what it is but I am truly sorry, P'Arthit."

He is sorry? As if that was enough. "Damn it," I muttered to myself. I want to punish him. He has no right to make me feel like this. He hurt me, he destroyed me. I can't ever love again because of him. I can't ever trust anyone again. He ruined me forever. How can I ruin him too? I want to hurt him worse than he hurt me and... I want to kiss him.

I had thought by morning the heat under my skin provoked by Kongpob last night would be gone, but I still have these thoughts about him. I still can't stop desiring him. It's crazy because I still hated him and didn't want anything to do with him, but there's no denying this feeling. It may not go away simply by ignoring it.

"What is on your mind?" he asked. What a question, as if I could tell him. I looked at him and he looked withdrawn, his emotions closed off. I don't think this is an expression I have seen on his face before. It looked really dark and hopeless like he has given up on everything. He looked like he didn't have any other course of action, as though he would just go with the flow. It was an irritating expression, I realized. Does he even understand what position is in? He doesn't get the right to look so pitiful. He says he came back here for me but those were just empty—wait... my eyes blink up to the ceiling. Has Kongpob ever said that he wants me back? Well, not those exact words but he keeps saying he loves me all the time so I just inferred. So far he hasn't done anything to really push that fact. He doesn't want me back. He is here for some other reason I just don't know what it is yet.

"How much did you have to drink last night?" I asked, pushing a glass of hangover drink to him.

He accepted it and took a long sip before saying, "I don't know. I don't remember."

"How far back do you remember then," I snapped my irritation unable to be controlled. He irritates me. That look on his face, his actions last night that frustrated and excited me, all of it annoyed me to my limits.

Kongpob jerked a little and pulled back. "I don't know. I think up till when I sat at the bar and started drinking. Someone joined me and we started talking." A small flush showed on his face and he said quietly, "I must have told him so many embarrassing things."

"Not only that, you almost followed him home. What is that, if you are so bad at drinking then you shouldn't have gone in the first place. Are you stupid?"

"I needed to. I couldn't help it."

"That's what I am saying. Take someone along with you next time if you are going to get wasted.|"

"Who would I take, I don't have any friends."

I couldn't say anything to that. It's true, all of Kongpob's friends are nowhere to be found, probably because they went on with their lives, and Kongpob, the jerk that he was never saw fit to keep in touch with any of them. I will admit that if he had I would have eventually found him which wouldn't have helped me on my journey to recovery, but that was beside the point.

"What did I do last night," Kongpob asked, interrupting my thoughts.

I wanted to tell him how loose he was yesterday and make fun of him. Use hurtful words that would destroy his pride and humiliate him so much that he wouldn't want to show his face to me but, that's not the punishment I want to give him. It wouldn't be nearly as satisfying.

"It doesn't matter. It's probably best if you forget about it."

Kongpob went wide-eyed. "Is it that bad? Was it something I said or did? Please tell me P'Arthit."

I looked away from him and thought about the words Kongpob said last night. After we left the car he said a lot of things and of course did a lot of things. I had thought he was sleeping when I carried him to bed but the minute we were in his room and I pushed him on the bed, he was up and dragging me down with him. Flipping us around and taking off his shirt.

But none of that bothered me as much as the words he told me in the car. "Well," I started, "if you really must know, you told me that you haven't done it yet."

We looked at each other and Kongpob kept blinking cluelessly. "Done what?"

My face tingled with the threat to flush but I struggled to keep it down or I would lose the higher ground. Kongpob can easily shift the attention to me, he is good at that. "You said you haven't slept with anyone."

His face went white then he avoided my eyes. What!? I doubted it up until this moment. Kongpob left me and flew away to another country with his true love, soulmate, whatever. He stayed there together with her for two years, you expect me to believe that he and Paula didn't do it together. Impossible, especially when he claims to love her so much.

"Is it true," I demanded, reaching forward so he couldn't escape. After a short pause, Kongpob nodded. "How is that possible?"

"What do you mean?" he finally looked at me.

"You left with Paula, your soulmate right? Why would you wait to sleep with her?"

Kongpob let out a sigh and lowered his head. What was that, I needed answers damn it. Angrily I turned around the counter and stood in front of him. "Answer me," I said.

"What's the point P'Arthit, no matter what I say you won't believe me."

"Try. After everything you've done the least you can do is try to make me believe you."

He turned to me with an astonished expression as if seeing me for the first time. "P'Arthit?"

I know, I am not making any sense to him. It would seem as if I am trying to tell him not to give up on us. It would seem like I actually want him fighting whatever battle he came here to fight, but I don't, I sincerely don't. I just want him to think that way.

"Then, will you believe me if I tell you that I didn't go to South Korea with Paula?" He was on his feet and stepping towards me. "Because that's the truth. I didn't leave you to go be with her, I left because I didn't want to hurt you, ruin you the way I thought I was doing."

He was too close.

"You left me not to hurt me? How did you think that was going to make me feel? You didn't even say anything, no note, nothing. Did you even consider how I would feel waking up to see you gone, did you even think that leaving me is probably the worst thing that you could have done to me?"

Kongpob gasped and moved even closer. "I didn't see that. I blinded myself with fear and I didn't know how I really felt about you. I didn't know how much you meant to me, how much you mean to me, P'Arthit. I wasn't ever able to forget you, not once. No matter what I did, where I went you were all I could think about."

"Wait," I raised my hand to his chest, my breathing fast. Why am I the one getting pushed back and what am I getting excited for? I can't be this weak. Did I forget everything he has done? I won't let him take the upper hand.

"P'Arthit," his voice called and I could literally feel every part of me responding. I can't resist the desire to meet his eyes and let that gaze capture mine even though I told myself not to. "I know that you hate me now, but please give me the chance to make up for what I have done."

"Fine," I pushed him away and took two steps away, my hand over my chest. I glared at him. "Say I believe you that you loved me so much you thought you were doing me a favor by leaving me. Say that I accept your feelings for me, I can never trust you again."

His hands dropped to his side and he nodded. "I know."

I straightened and focused on him, the feelings he brought out slowly being pushed back by the memory of the pain I suffered, the pain he caused. "I will never look at you the same way again."

"I know..."

"I will never feel the same way for you or even put you anywhere near my priority. You would mean almost nothing to me."

There was a long pause but he said, "...I know and I am willing to accept that. I just want to be with you, P'Arthit."

"Yes. So you say... that that's the reason you came back."

"I don't have any other reason, believe me."

He sounded sincere but my eyebrows twitched and I didn't believe him. I couldn't. I don't even want to believe him because if I dared to soften my heart, my resolve, I know Kongpob would get me again. I would fall in love with him again and then eventually get hurt. We've done this before so I am well aware of it.

"Then, know this too. I won't give up the person I am with. Good thing you've already met Mimi so there is no need for introductions. "

"What?"

I heard the crack in his voice. Did that hurt? It's exactly what I'd had to endure. It doesn't feel good does it, when you have to settle as second in the life of someone you love? I was the one who insisted on being with you even though I knew you loved someone else, I probably shouldn't have held on as hard as I did, but you kept me hanging. You gave me hope and then destroyed it, only to build it up again.

"P'Arthit, what do you mean?"

I didn't want to have to spell it out but I gritted my teeth and said it, "I mean that I will accept you back on these terms. It is the only one and if you don't like it you can leave and never come back."

Kongpob's face twisted into something I could only describe as devastation. He took a step away from me and I almost wanted to take a step after him but I stepped hard on the feeling. It's okay if he says no. in fact I want him to say no even if a part of me would like him to say yes. If he said yes then everything will change and the risks would be high, the risk of us ruining each other completely.

"So what is it going to be, Kongpob?"

"I'm sorry P'Arthit but you are saying you want to be with me and Mimi as well. I-is that what you are saying?"

I didn't respond and merely stared at him.

He suddenly laughed and it sounded painful. "This is just like then... no, it's a little different," he said and swallowed. His expression twisted again as though he had tasted something bitter. "I didn't tell you this before P'Arthit but I am so sorry. This. This feeling must have been what it felt like for you. It really hurts," he turned a watery smile at me. "I don't know how you endured it."

"Save it, Kongpob, and answer the question. I don't have all day."

He didn't answer. He was going to say no. not many people can choose to live like that after all, not Kongpob at least.

"Yes," he said, surprising me. We stared at each other as if his answer had sucked all the words in our mouths.

I wanted to ask why. For some reason, I was a little disappointed that he agreed. It's not something you can say yes to, not so easily at least unless you don't love the person as fully as you think. Or maybe you do, so much that it wrecks you. Which is it for you, Kongpob? I couldn't ask him that.

I left his apartment on that note and we didn't speak to each other for the whole day.

Even though it was a decision I made myself, I started to wonder if I had really thought things through when I made it. I decided to stay away from Kongpob to wait and process. I still wanted to see how Kongpob truly felt. He hasn't shown me all his feelings yet, I still don't know all his truths and If he is willing to put himself through this, through my harsh treatment, I wanted to understand why and I don't believe any reason he gives me.

"You are back."

I returned to my apartment to find Mimi lounging on the couch watching a movie in nothing but her underwear. Mimi had helped in finding this place which was surprisingly closer to the office and to my mother's house than I thought possible, somehow she seems to think that earned her the right to move in. I haven't said anything otherwise so I can see why she would feel that way.

I sat on the couch with a sigh and began to take off my shoes. "What's with that sigh," she said as she came to me. Her fingers stopped mine which was undoing the lace of my sneakers and completed the action herself before gently sliding herself onto my lap.

I groaned. "Mimi, I'm not in the mood."

She laughed, "I know." Then she kissed me slowly. I guess she didn't know. While her eyes fell shut mine remained open staring at the door to my bedroom. What does 'being together' mean to Kongpob, I wondered not for the first time. He threw the words 'I love you' all over the place and 'I want to be with you' as if it was air but... in the end, I can't figure out what exactly he wants.

"Mimi," I pushed the girl who was still kissing my neck as I called her name. "Listen. Kongpob and I are going to start seeing each other."

"Eh? Finally?" her smile was bright. I almost forgot how much Mimi loved sharing me with others. She must think this will be the same thing.

"For now," I said, "I don't want to do any more threesome. "

"What? Why not, I thought—"

"Yeah, I know what you thought." I interrupted her and made her get off my lap so I could stand to my feet. "But this is different. "

Yes, this is different. This is my vengeance against Kongpob for what he did to me. Rin said I needed closure and sleeping with Kongpob would give me that closure because it is something that I was denied two years ago. After last night I can't help thinking she was right. I may not be in love with Kongpob anymore but I am still attracted to him, maybe even more so than before. There is likely a psychological explanation for it but, even so, I know that won't be enough. I won't be satisfied until I've left my own scar in Kongpob's heart and I needed Mimi to help me. Maybe not her exactly but she was the one I had, so I said,

"Mimi, will that be a problem for you?"

She tilted her head to one side and asked, "Are you going to stop sleeping with me?"

"...no," that wasn't the question I wanted to answer so I said it anyway. "I want to keep sleeping with you and I also don't want you to sleep with anyone else."

Her face flushed with a happy smile and she hugged me. "Then we have no problem, P'Arthit."

End Note: thanks for reading. See ya next week. Please leave a vote to encourage me ;)

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