Màu nền Màu tối Mặc định Xám nhạt Xanh nhạt Xanh đậm Vàng nhạt Màu sepia Vàng đậm Vàng ố

Font chữ: Palatino Linotype Bookerly Segoe UI Patrick Hand Times New Roman Verdana Tahoma Arial

Chiều cao dòng: 100 120 140 160 180 200

Kích cỡ chữ:

Chapter 11

"What do you mean you can't?"

P'Arthit looked very desperate and his fingers were gripping my arm really tightly. I couldn't meet his eyes and I couldn't move away. Why did P'Arthit come back with such a question?

"You are really going to stand there and not say anything?" he asked, his voice hard. It felt painful not to reassure him and ease his feelings. I didn't want to lie to him which is why things became like this. Maybe I should have denied it when he asked me what I was hiding. It wasn't something I could even reveal to him in the first place, why did I accept it?

"Fine then, keep your secret." He shoved me and walked towards the door. "I will find out sooner or later. Winry seems to know what it is after all."

WInry? That was P'Arthit's step-mom. How can she know? "That's impossible," I said looking at him the way one would look at a wild cat. "This is something that no one else knows and I promise you P'Arthit it isn't what you are thinking. I haven't lied to you about anything since I came back. "

"Then why won't you say it? If it really isn't what I am thinking then you have nothing to worry about. Why are you keeping it a secret?"

"Because—"the words failed me. Because I don't want you to get too worried. Because I am scared you'd run away if you know. Because I don't want you to blame yourself after I die. I can't tell him any of this so I swallowed. "Just trust me."

P'Arthit laughed. "Sorry Kongpob but we aren't there yet in our relationship. I still distrust about seventy percent of the things that comes out of your mouth. I still expect you to disappear at the next minute. I can't trust you."

"I see." So that's how it is. I lowered my head, astonished at the amount of pain this caused me. We've only been dating for a little over two weeks, why did I think that P'Arthit no longer suspects me? Did I really think that he forgot about the two years I betrayed him.

Still there was nothing I can say to that. "I'm leaving," I said and walked towards the apartment to go grab my things, my head lowered the entire time.

He grabbed me when I passed him and I resisted weakly before giving up to listen to whatever else he still had to say. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't be," I replied hastily, my throat scratchy, "you have every reason not to trust me. I haven't given you any reason to after all."

"Kongpob."

"Just let me go, I'm tired."

He exhaled. "I really am sorry. Paula messed with my head and I lashed out."

What did he say? "You met Paula."

There was a moment of 'oh shit' painted on his face then he clammed up. "Forget it, let's go inside."

"P'Arthit, we are still talking."

"Weren't you leaving?" he entered the apartment without waiting for me.

"I am not going anywhere until you tell me what you and Paula talked about. Why didn't you tell me you met her?" I marched into the apartment after him.

He stopped in the middle of the room, his shoulders tensed. What is he thinking? I can't see his face because I am standing behind him.

"I didn't want you to see her," he said in a rather loud voice. "I lied about who came to see me because I was worried about what you would do if you saw her again."

"P'Arthit." I loved how intense P'Arthit's feelings were and I knew that this instinct to cover up things and lie when it came to Paula, this irrationality was born from all the time I put him second. P'Arthit still thinks of himself as second and he believes that I would abandon him.

I turned around him and stood till we were face to face. He refused to meet my eyes so I made do with things the way they are, a smile on my lips. "I love you."

"What?" he frowned at me, finally meeting my eyes. He was confused and I found it very endearing.

"I love you," I said smiling brightly. "More than anything in the world. More than water, more than light, more than air, certainly more than Paula. More than my soulmate. I love you so much P'Arthit and I swear you will be the last love of my life."

He stared at me his face bright and flushed. "That's a little—"

"Embarrassing?"

He nodded. "Do I have to say it back like that?"

"No," I shook my head, laughing softly as I closed the space between us. "You just need to know it. Know it to the depth of your bones, to the very cells of your body and every breath that you take, know it to your soul that I love you, P'Arthit."

His lips quivered then broke into a smile. "You are always so damn sweet Kongpob, I can't take it." To hide his embarrassment he hugged me very hard, nearly pulled me off my feet.

I laughed and hugged him back. He groaned and kissed my neck, the side of my face and my hair. "There are no words, Kongpob," he said. "No words that are good enough, strong enough to define this feeling inside of me. I know I said I don't trust you, but I want to now. I will from today onwards, I will never utter the words I don't trust you again."

"Even when you doubt me?"

"I love you anyway so what do I care that you have secrets. I can't stop and I can't live without you so even if I doubt all that you say, I will still trust you anyway."

I laughed." that's contradictory, P'Arthit."

"Leave it alone. Not everyone has the perfect words to say like you."

I laughed again and we pulled apart. The pain and the anger no longer evident anymore, washed away by the love we both felt for one another.

"Then," I started looking deep into his eyes, "can you tell me what you and Paula talked about?"

He nodded, a frown regretfully encroached the brightness in his face. "I don't know how she found me but she came to deliver a message from Winry."

"That I am hiding something?"

He nodded and we separated fully to sit on the couch together. "The thing I cannot tell you, P'Arthit is something only one other person knows and I cannot imagine he would tell your stepmother."

"Who is this person? You trust them with this secret but not me?"

"They are a weirdo, P'Arthit. They managed to believe something unbelievable and they found out due to my carelessness, not because I wanted to tell them. "

P'Arthit exhaled and got that look in his eyes that said he was contemplating something. "Then let me ask this," he faced me intently. I tensed in anticipation, not wanting to ruin the good mood we were both in now. "This secret has nothing to do with Paula?"

No, it didn't. My soulmate didn't break the soulmate bond so she wouldn't be suffering like I was nor was bound to die and never be reincarnated again. I nodded.

"Is it something that could ruin our relationship?"

I hesitated. If I answered yes, P'Arthit might become more curious and this would not end. "Yes it does but not in the way you think."

He bit his lower lip and scowled. "I really want to know what it is but... let me ask one more question. My knowing, is that the reason our relationship would be ruined and not the secret itself?"

"Yes." I intended to be with P'Arthit for a long time, no matter what happens to me. I won't end our relationship for any reason so the person who could end it was P'Arthit.

He ran a hand over his face and groaned in frustration. "This is killing me. You really can't tell me? I promise no matter what it is I won't end our relationship unless—"

I knew the moment something tinged in P'Arthit's mind and my body froze that I should not say anymore.

"This secret, is it about you?"

I stared at him without answering, my eyes wide and failing to hold his. It gave me away nonetheless. My non-answer seemed to push him on instead of doing the opposite.

"It is," he said with certainty and jumped to his feet. "You said someone found out by believing what is unbelievable... the only thing unbelievable about you is..."

"P'Arthit," I begged and that was a mistake.

"It's related to your soulmate. That unbelievable story you told me. What was it again?"

"P'Arthit!" I got up and grabbed his arm. "Please stop, don't go any further."

He stared at me but he wasn't seeing me. "I can't remember. Something about you and your soulmate having to live and die?"

"P'Arthit! Look at me!" I took hold of his face with both my hands and kept his gaze focused on me. "Do you want to be with me for a long time? Do you see our future together?"

He nodded. "I do. I want to be with you forever, Kongpob."

Forever. I whimpered and almost gave in to despair. "I can't... give you forever, because forever is so far away but I can give you now, and tomorrow until the end. But if you do this, there may not be a tomorrow. Do you understand?"

"You are scaring me more," he said softly and wiped my face. I am shocked to see there were tears. I am making this worst instead of better. "If this makes you look like this then I am sorry, Kongpob. I must know."

I slowly shook my head. "You can't."

He took my hand from his face very softly and held them in his grip for a quiet moment then he said, "I will go and see Winry. Since you won't tell me I will find out."

"I told you to trust me!" I shouted, desperation making my throat hurt. "You don't have to know. Nothing good would come of you knowing, I promise you. Just let it go, P'Arthit. Let's continue as we were."

"Kongpob,"he whispered and I had to rein my emotions. They were whipping and lashing all over the places as I tried and failed not to see P'Arthit's reaction to the truth when he finds out.

"This would destroy you," I whispered with a sob. " you can't know."

He pulled me into a hug that was tight, warm and relieving. I sighed into his shoulder, my eyes burning. I didn't think things would ever reach this point. Even though I am sure Winry knows nothing, I am concerned about Paula's memories. As my soulmate she should have memories of our past lives but usually this happened near the end of the death circle. Could it be that she remembers now since there's just less than a year away? Are the memories returning to her now? Paula would know all there is to know about the soulmate bond if she has her memories but why did she say it was Winry that wanted to tell P'Arthit.

P'Arthit pulled back finally as I began to calm down and think rationally. "Feeling better" he asked, peering into my face that I was trying to hide. I have never cried in front of him before and now waves of embarrassment were making it impossible for me to meet his eyes.

He buried a chuckle under his breath and one-arm hugged me again. "What are you getting embarrassed for, you won me over. I can't just ignore your worries when you are like this and find out the truth anyway. I said I would start trusting you again so I guess I should start with this."

I cleaned my face and nodded, opening my mouth to say thanks but he interrupted me. "But just promise me that you will tell me eventually. When it is okay for me to know."

I hesitated for a while. I couldn't see a time when it would be okay for P'Arthit to know and I wanted to treasure the trust he has given me. "That time may never come," I said.

"Really?" he asked and if he was annoyed by that I didn't hear it in his voice. "Then I guess I don't need to know that badly. Just make sure whatever it is doesn't take you away from me."

My lips trembled and another fresh burst of tears rolled down my cheeks then I said clearly, "Nothing like that would happen." Because my heart would always be with you no matter what happens to me.

We drifted once again into a normal life. P'Arthit asked me to move in with him the very next morning and I didn't have any reason not to. In fact I have wanted to do that since the moment we started dating. I wanted to sleep next to P'Arthit, something I denied myself in the past. I wanted to take care of him, see him off to work in the morning, greet him when he came home. I wanted to listen to him bitch about work and I wanted to give in when he reached for me with need. I wanted to answer those needs desperately, to cross that final line but with each day that our intimacy increased, I began to realize that crossing that line would be impossible.

The burns on my back are getting worse, so much worse that I have started taking drugs for the pain. I looked in the mirror and did a double take. I looked like I haven't been sleeping enough, there was a red rash on my neck that wouldn't go away, my eyes were bloodshot with nerves and my usually tan skin was almost white. The burn was extending away from my back and it started to come with other symptoms too such as nausea, fatigue, and insomnia.

It's been a week since we started living together and I couldn't have been happier but my body was gradually becoming worse. I put two and two together and came to the conclusion that moving in together and doing all the things that I wanted to do happily had broken the bond even further. I imagined the bond as a red rope of fate, similar to the one I tied at that temple. Little by little, with each action I took to become closer to P'Arthit, that rope became thinner and thinner till right now there was barely a strand of fibre keeping it together.

P'Arthit thinks I have the flu. I sighed. This was happening way too fast. I hadn't expected this at all. Am I really going to die like this? Would I go to sleep beside P'Arthit one day and not wake up? I imagined P'Arthit's horror, his grief and trembled. I couldn't seem to get warm enough anymore. What should I do?

I am not afraid of dying but I am afraid of what my death would do to P'Arthit. Is this better or is there something else I should do?

The door opened without preamble and P'Arthit walked in. "what are you doing, we have to go to the hospital."

"I-I" There was no explaining to P'Arthit that the doctors wouldn't know what was wrong with me and it was a waste of time.

"Hey," his fingers softly slipped into my hair and massaged my scalp and I sighed. "Is something bothering you?"

No, I shook my head. "I just think a little rest would be fine."

"Yeah, that's what you said yesterday and I let it go but you look even worse today, is something going on that you aren't telling me?"

I didn't respond and continued to stare at his worried face from the mirror. I notice him notice the rashes around my neck. "Look at this," he said, "this isn't normal. Let's just go get a professional look at it, okay?"

I yearned to say the truth, after all, this is a waste of time and P'Arthit would be angry if he learns later after spending so much effort trying to treat something that wasn't a disease, something I knew very well wasn't a disease but kept quiet about. Yet my mouth simply opened and nothing came out. If I told him then it would be over, the bond wouldn't magically repair and I was still headed for death but I wouldn't have P'Arthit. I can't say it no matter how much I wanted to.

"Come on." His fingers left my hair and clasped around mine. "Let's go, Rin is waiting outside for us."

"Rin," I muttered, all the energy in me to say more drained.

"Yeah, she is almost due. In a month. We are going for her check up too."

"I see."

"Are you cold?"

I nodded and he released my hand for a moment and I watched him search the wardrobe for a thick winter coat. When he came back with it, a rich waft of his scent enveloped me. P'Arthit smelled of sunshine and hope.

"Hey," I said, "if-if it is worse than it looks, would you leave me?"

He stared at me with visible expression of astonishment then he scoffed. "Is that a serious question?"

"What if I am dying?"

He kissed me as if saying shut up. "You aren't dying, stop exaggerating. I am sure it is just a really bad flu or something. Stop trying to scare me."

I smiled weakly. "Yeah, you are probably right."

He helped me wear the coat and we both walked into the living room. Instead of meeting the waiting Rin, we saw her standing at the door with Paula. My eyes widened but I couldn't have said a word even if I tried the hardest.

She exclaimed when she saw me and brushed past Rin to me. "Kongpob, you look like death, "she said.

"Thanks, I don't hear that every day." I tried for some humor but couldn't maintain my smile. "What are you doing here, Paula?"

She blinked twice and glanced at P'Arthit. "I wanted—"

"We don't have time for this," P'Arthit pulled me nearer to himself and glared. "I thought I told you never to come here again."

"P'Arthit, you can't keep running away forever. This is too important. Look at him."

P'Arthit looked at me and even though he tried to hide the worry, I could still see it in his brow. He must suspect that I knew what was wrong but he is fighting himself not to doubt me. I loved that but once again, I cannot speak. I just can't see how his knowing would change anything if not make it worse, if not make us both suffer.

"What are you saying?" I asked Paula, confused at how she seemed to know what was wrong. It can't be that her memories are back. Even so, would she really know about this? Even I didn't know it would get this bad.

"Kongpob, P'Arthit has to know. This has to stop."

"What are you talking about?" rubbing her belly slightly, Rin joined the conversation with worry.

"Just come to the house, let mom explain everything."

"Are you saying that Kongpob's illness is also something Winry knows about? How is that possible?" P'Arthit sounded really interested now. I should divert his attention now or this might really go somewhere. I opened my mouth to speak but broke off into a cough. I couldn't have thought of it but it effectively stopped the conversation.

"Kongpob?" P'Arthit cradled me in his arms and rubbed my back to help me breathe better. His hand on my back was warm and I could almost feel the love and affection he felt, and the worry. P'Arthit has been so good not to panic so far, his patience was completely surprising, especially as I didn't seem to be getting better.

"He looks really sick, Arthit," I vaguely heard Rin saying, "let's go and check him in at the hospital."

I shook my head but I was still coughing and couldn't really protest. P'Arthit grabbed my raised hand and said, "No, Kongpob if we have to check you in, that's what we would do. This has gone on long enough."

I let my disappointed eyes speak for me. Getting admitted into the hospital wouldn't do us any good.

"P'Arthit," Paula said, "If you really care about Kongpob you will come home and talk with mom. If you really want to be with him."

We both watched Paula leave and I said, "P'Arthit," then cleared my throat. "You don't have to know anything she has to say."

"Yeah..." he didn't sound like he was listening.

"Let's go."

We walked out the door after that and we went to the hospital. Of course the doctor didn't find any reason why my internal organs looked like they are on fire and why I was sick. He just knew I didn't have long to live. I wish he hadn't said that though because the look on P'Arthit's face nearly destroyed me.