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I immediately looked away and got up from my feet. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ba kinukuha ang lakas na tumayo at maglakad papalabas sa Sweet Desire nang walang lingon-likod kay Cloud. All I knew was I was clenching my fist so hard that I could feel my nails digging into my palms. I have no words to describe what I feel at that very moment.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit sila magkasama.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nasa isipan ni Cloud...
Pero malinaw sa akin na nasasaktan ako at hindi ko siya magawang sisihin dahil doon. Hindi ako maaaring magalit sa kanya dahil ako ang may gawa nito sa sarili ko.
Kung hindi ako nagpadalos-dalos, kung nakipag-usap ako ng maayos sa kanya bago ako nagbitiw ng mga salita, bago niya naisip na hindi ko talaga siya mahal dahil sa mga duda sa isipan ko, wala kaming dalawa sa sitwasyon na ito.
Now, I have to live with the fact that we're over...
Kaming dalawa ni Cloud, wala na.
"Ashanti!"
Nanigas ang likod ko nang marinig ko ang pagtawag sa akin ni Therese. Hinabol niya ako hanggang sa labas at nilapitan ako. I breathed heavily before I composed myself and turned around.
"Yes?" I tried to be as formal as possible. Lumingon ako sa kanya at nakita kong nakangiti siya sa akin. I badly wanted to wipe off that smile on her face.
"I just want to apologize for my part in what happened..." sabi nito sa akin na akmang aabutin ang kamay ko ngunit mabilis kong iniwas iyon. Hindi ako nagsalita at tinignan ko lang siya, hinihintay kung mayroon pa ba siyang sasabihin na kasinungalingan.
"I'm sorry, I just really thought that it was what he was planning all along. Nagkamali ako, Ashanti... I heard you broke up with Cloud."
"Are you done?" I asked her after rolling my eyes. "Because I have some errands to run and–"
"But, do you really love him, though? You believed what I said that easily. I mean, I was wrong and I think that was okay because you should know him more than me, but you... you really thought he was the one behind what happened to your dad's company..." iiling-iling ito habang nakatingin sa akin. Gusto kong sampalin ang babae sa harap ko pero pilit kong pinigilan ang sarili ko.
"I don't know what your plan is, Therese. I don't even know why Cloud is with you because I know for a fact that he listened to what I said about you... and in case you're dreaming of having Cloud as your boyfriend, it will stay as it is. A dream. Alam mo kung bakit?" humakbang ako papalapit sa babae at tinitigan siya sa mga mata.
"Cloud will never love you the way he loves me."
Tumalikod na ako at binuksan ang pinto ng sasakyan ko ngunit natigilan ako at napangiti ng maliit bago muling lumingon sa babae.
"And one more thing, your brother Lester, I know he's in trouble now. You might want to help him since you're very good at helping, right?" I gave her a sarcastic smile before I went inside my car and started the engine and drove home.
"So, magkapatid sila, tapos... 'yung Therese na 'yon, kinaibigan si Cloud with a purpose?" tanong ni Anj sa amin ni Ryn.
I am having a video call with them because I called them as soon as I went home.
I nodded my head and leaned on my seat.
"You know, una pa lang talaga 'yang Therese na 'yan, duda na ako, e," sabi ni Ryn na kasalukuyang nasa spa. "I mean, the only intention she had when she said those words, which you believed stupidly, Ashanti, by the way, was to break you and Cloud. And you did believe her!"
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. I know that already, I know how stupid I was for believing Therese, Lester, them! I know how stupid it was to believe them instead of trusting Cloud...
I was... scared.
I was really scared that it could be true.
"So, what is your plan now?" si Anj ang muling nagsalita. I looked at them and I shrugged. I can't think of a plan right now.
I don't know where to start, actually.
Nagiging maayos ang company ni Daddy at inaasikaso na ang lahat ng kailangan gawin pati na rin ang pag-aayos ng office. Malaking funding ang kailangan at laking pasasalamat din talaga ni Daddy kay Cloud sa mga partnerships na binuo nito kaya hindi masyadong nahihirapan ang mga ito para roon.
Nabanggit ko na rin sa kanila ang napag-usapan namin ni Lester at pareho silang gusto pa ring makulong ang lalaking iyon sa mga ginawa nito noon. I told them, too, what I heard from him earlier and they said he deserved it.
Alam ko na higit kaninuman, they should apologize to Cloud. Siya ang sinaktan ng mga ito noon, pero kung tutuusin, kahit naman ako, sinaktan ko rin siya.
Wala siyang ibang ginawa kung hindi ang mahalin ako pero sa huli, ako pa rin ang nang-iwan sa kanya. Ako pa rin ang nanakit sa kanya.
"Ashanti," untag ni Ryn sa akin kaya nilingon ko silang muli.
"Yes?" I breathed heavily.
"You know that you have to apologize to him, right?" sabi nito sa akin at napatango naman ako. Alam ko naman ang tungkol sa bagay na iyon. Sinubukan ko rin naman na humingi ng tawad sa kanya...
Hindi niya ako pinakinggan at naiintindihan ko naman kung bakit.
"I know..." sagot ko sa kanya at ngumiti ng maliit. "I will apologize to him, and I don't even know if he will understand me or what, but I will. It's the least that I can do..." muli akong huminga ng malalim bago nagpaalam na rin sa mga ito nang tawagin ako ng kasambahay. Sinabihan ako nito na ipinapatawag ako ni Daddy.
I ended the call and went out of my room to go to Dad's library. Maybe he will ask about the company and I really wasn't able to finish the task that was on me. As much as I am trying to focus, I can still get so distracted and just cry.
I knocked first before opening the door. Nakita kong naroon din si Mommy kaya bahagyang kumunot ang noo ko pero nagtuloy pa rin ako sa pagpasok. By the looks of it, I don't think we will talk about the company.
"Pinatawag niyo raw ako, Dad?" I asked him as I walked towards them. He gestured his hand and asked me to sit down. Tumalima naman ako at naupo na rin sa sofa na naroon.
"What's going on...?" tanong ko sa kanila kahit na may ideya na ako kung bakit ako pinatawag ng mga ito. Ikinakalma ko ang sarili habang nakatingin sa mga magulang ko.
"Cloud told me what happened, Ashanti."
Tumuwid ang likod ko at napayuko ako.
"I'm... I'm sorry, Dad..." mahinang sabi ko. "What happened was my fault and I shouldn't have said those things to him..." nag-iinit na muli ang mga mata ko kaya mabilis kong ipinikit-pikit ang mga iyon.
"I know that he was just really helping the company and–"
"What are you talking about?" He cut me off and I looked at him. Kumunot din ang noo ko sa pagtataka sa kung ano ba ang pinag-uusapan naming tatlo.
"W-what... what exactly did he... tell you?" I asked him.
"I believe his exact words were you two broke up and if he stays in the company, you will just hate him more. I asked him what happened and he just said it was his fault and he apologized for hurting you. Now, tell me. What did Cloud do to you?" tanong ni Daddy sa akin.
Umiling ako sa kanya at pumatak na ang luhang pinipigilan ko.
"Wala... wala siyang ginawang mali..." panimula ko.
"Ashanti..." tumayo si Mommy at naupo sa tabi ko. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko habang nakatingin sa akin. "What's wrong? What happened?" she asked.
"It was my fault..." I cried. "I... I was the one who hurt him, Mommy... Daddy..." pinalis ko ang luha sa pisngi ko bago tumingin sa kanilang dalawa. "I... made a mistake, and I don't know how to fix it..."
"What did you do?" Dad asked me and I looked at him again. Nahihiya ako kay Daddy. Nahihiya ako sa ginawa ko dahil alam ko na simula pa lang, sinasabi na nito na malaking tulong si Cloud sa amin at sinira ko iyon.
"I told him he was behind what happened..." basag ang tinig na sabi ko na ikinagulat ng mga magulang ko.
"Ashanti..." Dad looked at me. "I don't know what's gotten into you and you thought about that..."
"I was wrong..." I guess there's really no explanation for what I did. Mali ako. Maling-mali ako sa ginawa ko. He could've easily forgiven me, yes. But what I did wasn't that simple.
I showed him I didn't trust him.
I made him feel that I don't love him enough.
"I was wrong and I am so sorry, Daddy..." hindi ko na napigilan ang paghagulgol. Naramdaman kong niyakap ako ni Mommy at kalaunan ay si Daddy rin. Tumabi siya sa akin at niyakap ako ng mahigpit habang inaalo ako.
"You, silly girl. Cloud was really helping us, Ashanti. He's helping us and I know that was because of you..."
"I'm sorry..." mahinang sabi kong muli. "But I really love him, Dad... since college..." pag-amin ko rito. Hindi naman ako nakakita ng pagkagulat sa mga ito. He nodded his head and looked at me.
"Cloud told me that, too..."
"Did he also tell you what I did before?" humihikbi na tanong ko sa kanya. I never told them about that. Hindi ko kailanman sinabi sa mga ito ang nangyari dahil hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag ang mga iyon.
I was too young back then.
I was too young but I could've done something, but I didn't.
Instead, I chose to hurt Cloud.
"It doesn't matter to him, anak. From what I saw, Cloud loves you..." hinaplos ni Mommy ang pisngi ko. "And I am so happy to see someone love my daughter like that. Because I know that he will take care of you, he will love you..."
"But... he's gone now..." nanghihinang sabi ko rito. "And it was my fault..." niyakap ko ng mahigpit si Mommy at tinapik naman nito ang likod ko.
"You know that we're just here for you, right? We're here for you and your dad and I love you so much, Ashanti..." pag-aalo nito sa akin.
I stayed with them and told them what happened before. Inamin ko sa kanila ang lahat at sinabi nila sa akin na hindi ko kasalanan ang nangyari noon, sinabi rin nila sa akin na nasisiguro nilang napatawad na ako ni Cloud sa nangyaring iyon.
Kahit papaano, nakakagaan din sa dibdib ko nang sabihin ko sa kanila ang nangyari noon. Now they understand more why I never introduced anyone to them, or why I didn't entertain anyone.
"Hindi nawala ang pagmamahal mo sa kanya, anak," sabi ni Mommy sa akin na sinagot ko ng tango dahil alam kong hindi ko kailanman nakalimutang mahalin si Cloud.
I may have buried it at the back of my mind, I may have tried forgetting it, but that kind of love... it was impossible to forget. Hindi madaling makalimot ang puso na labis na nagmamahal.
Palakad-lakad ako sa loob ng kwarto ko habang hawak ko ang cellphone ko at kanina ko pa iniisip kung tatawgan ko ba si Cloud o ano.
I really want to talk to him now...
I really want to apologize... explain, I don't know.
I just really want to talk to him.
Hindi ko naisip ang mga bagay na ito nang nagpadalos-dalos ako. Hindi ko inisip ang pwedeng mangyari sa aming dalawa dahil sa ginawa ko...
But I just really want to talk to him.
He made it clear. He was done chasing me... but maybe... maybe this time I can chase him.
Ako naman.
I breathed heavily and dialed his number. It took only two rings when he answered his phone.
I bit my lip hard while waiting for him to say anything. Wala akong naririnig mula sa kabilang linya. It was a long deafening silence when finally I heard him talk.
"You called and you're not talking."
Muli, huminga ako ng malalim at naupo sa kama ko.
"I... yeah... I called..." mahigpit ang hawak ko sa phone ko habang iniisip ang pwede kong sabihin sa kanya.
"Cloud, I–"
"It's late, why are you still awake?" He cut me off. I looked at the clock and it was almost 2 in the morning.
Napapikit ako ng mariin dahil hindi ko na napansin ang oras nang tumawag ako sa kanya.
"I'm sorry... Did I disturb you?" I asked him and shook my head. "I'm really sorry, I didn't noticed the time, I will just call and–"
"It's okay. What is it?" muling putol niya sa sinasabi ko.
I want to see you...
I missed you...
I bit my lip hard. "I..." I paused and looked at the ring on my table. I smiled sadly. "I just want to talk to you..." mahinang sabi ko rito. "I know that... that you're mad at me, Cloud, and you have all the rights to be mad at me... but I just want to talk to you..."
Hindi ito nagsalita.
"Is it okay to see you now? Please? I just really need to talk to you, Cloud..."
Muli, wala akong narinig na tugon mula sa lalaki. Tumango ako ng marahan nang maunawaan ko ang ibig sabihin nito.
I tried stopping my sobs. "I'm sorry for disturbing you... I'll hang up now and–"
"I'll go to you. Don't drive, it's already late."
Natigilan ako sa sinabi nito.
"What...?"
"I'll be there in 10 minutes."
"What do you mean you'll be here? Hello? Cloud?" I looked at my phone and he already hung up the call.
I looked at the clock again and to the ring on the table.
He will go here...
I took the ring and went out of my room. Sa labas ko na hihintayin si Cloud kahit na hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang desisyon ko ngayon o impulsive na naman ako.
But one thing is for sure, it's either we will be together again... or it's really the end of us.
Hopefully not the latter.
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