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Ramdam ko ang mabilis na tibok ng puso ko habang nananatiling nakahiga sa kama. Maliwanag sa loob ng kwarto dahil na rin hindi pinatay ni Cloud ang ilaw na siyang ipinagpapasalamat ko.
Namamanhid na rin ang kanang parte ng katawan ko dahil sa paghiga ng patagilid. Gusto kong humarap pero hindi ko magawa dahil kinakabahan ako na paglingon ko ay nakatingin sa akin si Cloud.
I am not even sure if he's still awake, though. Kanina pa siya nagsabi sa akin ng good night at hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako makatulog. Tunog ng air conditioned sa loob ng kwarto at ang mga hampas ng hangin ang naririnig ko, kasabay ng mga iyon ang tibok ng puso ko.
Para kang tanga, Ashanti. Cloud warned you! You're no longer sixteen years old and you're not naive. Tapos ngayon matatakot-takot ka matapos mong sabihin na matulog siya sa tabi mo!
I breathed heavily and hugged the pillow tight.
Mahina akong umiling para ipagpag ang nasa isipan ko at dahan-dahan na umayos ng higa para tuluyan na ring makatulog. The last time I checked the clock, it was almost 2 in the morning already.
Nakatingin lang ako sa kisame habang nagpapaantok nang magsalita si Cloud sa tabi ko.
"Can't sleep?"
Mabilis akong napatingin dito. He reached for his eyeglasses and looked at me again. "You're uncomfortable?" he asked again. Bumangon ito ng bahagya at sumandal sa puno ng kama habang nakatingin pa rin sa akin.
"I..." huminga ako ng malalim bago umiling ng maliit. "I'm fine..." bumangon na lang din ako at sumandal din gaya ni Cloud. "I just can't stop thinking about home..." pagdadahilan ko. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung naniniwala ba si Cloud sa akin o hindi.
"I mean... I don't know how long we are going to stay here," I added to make it more believable.
I saw Cloud smiled a little, as if he didn't believe what I said. "I'll make you warm milk so you can sleep better," he offered before getting up and walking towards the table. Inabot ko na lang ang unan at niyakap iyon habang pinapanuod si Cloud.
"Why are you still awake?" tanong ko sa kanya habang pinapanuod siya.
"I can't sleep," he shrugged and walked back towards me and gave me a glass of milk. He made himself a coffee, too.
"Tapos magkakape ka pa?" tanong kong muli nang abutin ko ang baso. He looked at me and chuckled a little. "I can't sleep," he replied again. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Inilapag ko na lang din muna ang baso sa may lamesa sa gilid ng kama at bumalik sa pagkakaupo.
"Baka ikaw ang hindi kumportable na katabi ako?" biro ko nang maupong muli si Cloud sa kama. He looked at me and smiled a little.
I think I am not uncomfortable, I just don't know what I should do? Most especially when some things kept on running inside my head... like what happened back in the river.
"Why would I feel uncomfortable?" he asked me while still looking at me. I shrugged my shoulders and looked away.
I really can't stand it when Cloud is staring at me like that... para bang nababasa nito ang nasa loob ko, para bang nanunuot sa akin ang paraan niya ng pagtitig na kahit itanggi ko ang isang bagay, malalaman niya kung nagsisinungaling ako o hindi...
"You're turning the table, baby. You're the one who's uncomfortable," sabing muli nito sa akin bago inabot ang tasa ng kape at sumimsim doon.
"I am not, I just really can't sleep," pagdadahilan kong muli bago inabot ang baso at uminom mula roon.
"If you say so," he just nodded his head and smiled at me.
I stared at him while leaning on the headboard. "You really changed..." halos pabulong lang na sabi ko habang nananatiling nakatingin sa kanya.
He slowly looked at me. Napayuko ako dahil alam kong narinig niya ang sinabi ko.
I heard him breathing heavily before looking away as well. "You think I changed?" he asked me, while looking at the floor.
I nodded my head. "Mostly physically," I replied. Sa palagay ko nga ay wala ng kahit na sino ang makakapagsabi na hindi gwapo si Cloud. No one will ever dare to say bad things about him or insult his appearance. Noon pa man ay alam ko naman na magandang lalaki si Cloud. He had that nerd look before, but still... it didn't make him less attractive.
Ngayon, mas defined na lahat ng features nito.
"Not everything you see outside says it all," he said before looking at me again. "But I admit, you were right. I changed... I had to," he added before finishing his coffee.
I bit my lip a little and nodded my head.
Of course... that's why you're back, right? Because you changed and you wanted revenge.
Kumuyom ang kamay ko nang maramdaman ko ang paninikip sa dibdib ko dahil sa kaisipan na kaya lang naman din nanumbalik sa buhay ko si Cloud ay dahil may galit pa rin ito sa akin dahil sa nangyari noon.
I cleared my throat and finished the glass of milk, too.
"Matutulog na ako," paalam ko sa kanya bago muling humiga at tumalikod na rito para hindi ko siya makita.
"Alright, sleep well," sabi naman nito sa akin bago ko naramdaman ang paggaan ng kama nang tumayo ito para magpunta sa banyo.
Ipinikit ko na lang ang mga mata ko at sinubukan kong matulog ngunit mas naging mailap iyon sa akin nang hindi ko naramdaman na bumalik sa kama si Cloud. He's probably sitting on the couch again... or maybe sleeping on the couch?
I bit my lip again.
What the hell is wrong with you, Ashanti!
I stopped myself from groaning in frustration because I couldn't sleep without knowing where Cloud was... hindi ko na rin napigilan ang sarili ko at marahan akong bumangon para silipin ito.
Nagsalubong naman ang tingin naming dalawa nang tumingin ako sa may couch. He was sitting there while holding a book. Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin.
"What's wrong?" he asked me again while staring at me.
"What are you doing?" I asked him back while looking at him. I was holding the blanket on my tummy.
"Uh, reading?" He raised his hand that was holding the book. "Did I disturbed you?" he asked me as he put his book on the coffee table.
"No..." halos walang boses na sabi ko. "I... it's late. You should sleep, too," sabi ko sa kanya at gusto ko na ring sabunutan ang sarili ko dahil alam ko naman na mas makakabuting huwag ko na lang siyang pakialam pero hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ba hindi ko maipagpag sa sistema ko si Cloud ngayon.
We've been together for some days already... I have no idea if he already imprinted his presence on me, but I am also getting annoyed with myself. Parang nasasanay na ako sa kanya...
Nasasanay na ako ulit at hindi ko alam kung magandang bagay ba ito... o kung may maganda bang kahihinatnan ito.
"I will," sagot niya naman sa akin at hindi ko alam na napasimangot ako dahil sa sinabi nito.
"Bahala ka nga," sagot ko pabalik bago muling humiga at niyakap ng mahigpit ang unan at pinigil na ang sarili na gumalaw.
He doesn't want to sleep, so no. Hindi ko naman siguro siya dapat pinipilit, I should just worry about myself. I need to sleep, I need to rest.
"Are you mad?" I heard Cloud say before I felt the added weight on the bed. Hindi ako kumibo habang yakap ko pa rin ang unan.
"I just thought of letting you sleep first since you seemed uncomfortable with me here and–"
"I am not uncomfortable," I cut him off before looking at him, more like glaring.
He smiled a little while looking at me. "But you are mad?" he asked me again, I replied by rolling my eyes and looked away again.
Naramdaman ko rin ang paghiga nito sa tabi ko.
"I am here now."
I nodded my head while still looking at the wall. Hindi naman muling kumibo si Cloud nang hindi ako magsalita kaya naman dahan-dahan akong humarap sa kanya.
"Are you having a hard time sleeping with lights on?" I asked him while holding the pillow. Nakalagay ang braso ni Cloud sa likod ng ulo nito at ito ang inuunanan nang tumingin ito sa akin.
"You can't sleep with the lights on?" I asked him again.
"I am good," he replied. "Go, sleep now."
"You can turn it off so you can sleep." Alam ko naman na hindi lahat ay kayang matulog ng nakabukas ang ilaw kaya naisip ko na baka nahihirapan din talaga si Cloud na matulog.
He chuckled a little before turning on his side to face me. Halos dangkal lang ang layo ng mukha namin sa isa't isa.
"I said I am good, Ashanti," he said softly. "I am fine, I know you don't want to turn it off, you don't have to do it for me, okay?" he added.
I stared at him before I moved my hand and reached for his eyeglasses and put it on the table.
"Can you see me?" I asked him while I was still staring at you.
"I can see you," he chuckled a little and reached for my hand. "I am not blind, baby," he added before moving his head and the next thing I knew, I felt his lips on my forehead.
I felt my cheeks burning because of that. Hindi ko alam kung nakikita iyon ni Cloud pero ipagpapasalamat ko kung hindi.
"Matulog ka na nga," sabi ko na lang bago nag-iwas ng tingin dito pero hawak ni Cloud ang pisngi ko kaya naman iginiya niya akong tumingin muli sa kanya.
"I told you that we're no longer sixteen... things can happen."
Huminga ako ng malalim bago nananatiling nakatingin kay Cloud. Ramdam ko ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko at hindi naman ako inosenteng bata na walang ideya sa possibleng mangyari sa aming dalawa...
There's a tension between us already. Hindi ko alam kung kailan pa iyon nagsimula. Kung noon bang nasa Manila pa kami, o noong dumating kami rito, o noong nasa ilog kami kung saan kamuntikan na may nangyari sa aming dalawa...
"Cloud..." I swallowed the lump on my throat and I saw him looking at my lips. I couldn't stop myself from biting my lip because of that.
I felt his thumb brushed lightly on my lip.
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at mabilis na ikinurap ang mga mata bago mabilis na tumayo at naglakad papunta sa may bintana. I clenched my fist while feeling the hard thumps of my heart. Humihinga ako ng malalim habang pilit na pinapakalma ang sarili ko.
"Ashanti..." Cloud called my name and it brought me lots of memories... the way he calls my name, the way he holds my hand, the way he looks at me...
I looked at Cloud and I saw him standing near me, while staring at me.
What are you doing to me?
I bit my lip a little and breathed a little. I let all my inhibitions go and walked towards him and kissed his lips.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and I felt him hold my waist and pulled me closer to him. He welcomed me and responded to my kisses with hunger and passion.
He pinned me on the wall and kissed me deeper. I could feel Cloud's body rubbing against mine while he's still kissing me harder.
I could hear small moans from him while his hands were roaming against my body. Nararamdaman ko ang hawak ni Cloud sa katawan ko habang hindi binibitiwan ng mga labi nito ang mga labi ko.
His lips traveled south and kissed my neck. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata habang nararamdaman ko ang mabining halik ni Cloud sa leeg ko. He was kissing, licking and nibbling it, enough to make me moan.
"Baby..." he whispered as he carried me and pinned me on the wall deeper.
"Cloud..." I called his name while I was still wrapping my arms around his neck. Mainit ang pakiramdam ko... it was somewhat similar to what I felt when something almost happened to me and Cloud before...
He carried me back to the bed and put me down. Sumunod naman ang katawan nito sa akin kaya ramdam na ramdam ko rin ang init ng katawan nito habang nakatingin sa akin.
I could also feel his breathing while still looking at me.
I bit my lip while I was staring at him.
"Are you sure... about this?" he asked me softly, he's trying to restrain himself and I could feel it. Nagpipigil ito ng sarili nito habang nakatingin sa akin, habang nasa ibabaw ko.
Muli akong napalunok habang nakatingin kay Cloud.
I don't want to think now... I don't want to think about what will happen tomorrow... all I want is now.
Was he back for revenge? Maybe... but I don't want to think about that now...
I slowly nodded my head while looking at him and it was the turning point for him. He lowered his head and kissed my lips again.
I pulled him closer and kissed him back, I reached for his clothes and pulled it up to remove it from him.
Maybe this was wrong... but it feels right...
And I have never felt this from anyone else, too...
Kay Cloud lang.
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